Well, that didn’t end so good.
AH comes after work to take the boys to swimming lessons. He asks if “we’ve taken a step backwards” and I ask does he really have no idea why. He says he’s not sure if it’s from Friday (when I went there for dinner), Saturday or Monday. I say the reality of bro/GF moving here is starting to play out just as I was dreading with them being involved in the friends’ moving on Saturday/drinks afterwards. Point out that they’ll now be at all parties held by people who I have instigated the friendships of – and that when I turn up, I’ll feel like its a 3 vs 1 scenario. Also say it’s going to cause an issue for those friends who will either cause upset to me for allowing AH to invite the other two, or to him for saying he can’t bring them as it’d offend me. He doesn’t get it .. but never will when it’s my feelings over his brother.
Then I stuff things up. Say I was upset with the candle as it looked like it came from the $2 shop and that was all I was worth. He flipped. “I paid nearly $50 for that. I didn’t need to get you anything, you know”. He grabs it and leaves with the kids to swimming. When he gets back, I apologise for being rude about the candle. [I subsequently find them online for $20].
At that stage, he was still able to stay for dinner.
We speak some more in the kitchen, away from the kids. He asks if he should return the candle and get vouchers. I don’t answer – I don’t want the candle and would rather the kids chose me something (plus we’re going to have to separate all our belongings, I’d rather have something that will be of some use. I don’t tell him that!). He tells me he’s trying to do things better coz of my alopecia but he’s the one doing all the accommodating and stopping the stress/hurt (implying I’m not), and that all he gets is shut out. I point out that he knows how I go when I’m hurting. Apparently I’m not telling him what I want as well, which I don’t understand. He says how it’s going down the same path as always with me playing the hurt card.
I say I’m disappointed that the brother/GF didn’t say ‘let’s give you guys some space to work out things’ (whether that be getting back together or continuing with the separation) and move further away; that would’ve been the right thing to do. He disagrees completely and starts telling me that is my issue and I have to deal with it. His voice has already gone up so I ask him to calm down. He continues with the attack so I say he needs to go. He continues. My voice goes up and I repeat he needs to leave. He continues, so I say it louder “you need to leave NOW!”. Unfortunately, all three kids hear and start to cry. He says his goodbyes and leaves.
Sit down to dinner and discuss what just happened. I’ve ummed and aahed about whether they should be told that the brother living so close is causing my upset. I decide they need to know, as we had actually discussed it before we separated (that they shouldn’t live so close once they got to NZ and start their own lives, just like we had). Master 10 gets it perfectly. One of them [I think Miss 5] suggests they should move to Hamilton and they could Skype and I say that’s too far not what I want. Made me laugh tho. It didn’t take long for them to get over their upset.
AH calls to make sure they’re ok. Master 10 refers to the earlier incident as “when Mama kicked you out” so, once the phone call is over, I make sure they understand, he was not kicked out; things were getting nastier and the best thing to do was to separate ourselves (and that it was like when I ask them to tidy their rooms and I ask the first time nicely, the second time not so nice, and the third/fourth time, they get the angry voice). Also explain to them they must learn/practice the concept of “compromise” as neither Mama nor AH are any good at it – yet I can’t see any compromise with this.
- Have booked 4 real estate agents to come do appraisals this week;
- Got a birthday cake from work … wanted to cry as AH has never done this for me over the past 12 years;
- My kids’ ability to bounce back from their upset. This is going to make them grow up a lot quicker – it will also make me have to be better with my feelings and openness, which has got to be a good thing.