Midweek update

Was surprised to not have any bed invaders, despite the thunder and heavy rain last night.  Actually slightly missed not having someone in there 🙂

Another lovely day with minimal contact from AH.  It really does dispel those stomach churns and any feelings of fear and frustration.

Feel satisfaction in getting dinner in the slow-cooker before going to work.  Didn’t do it last week and felt under the cosh once I got in from dance and soccer.  When it’s only me, I have no choice but to be all over it on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Have started to notice the tedium of solely doing dishes too – resentful, almost, that AH has 3 adults to do that monotonous chore.  Oh well, still better than having him in my life!

Quick drive-by to see if the drinking habits of those 3 has declined at all … no, it would seem not:

20150722_085017← Last week’s efforts (with Sputnik sick)

and this week’s → 20150729_153412 (1)

Miss 5 asks if Daddy’s coming round and, with the icy, strong wind, I’m not keen on them being taken out into it.  She’s clever though so asks if he can come in.  “Please”, she says.  I point out that I’m not able to go into his house but I have to let him into mine which stinks a bit, and we’ll see what he wants to do when he gets here.

AH calls at about 5.15 pm and Master 8 tells him that we didn’t go to his soccer training (I figured training would be off as the grounds were closed so didn’t bother making the trek).  AH sounded disappointed for not dropping in, but he walks past to get to his bro’s and would’ve seen the car in the drive so that didn’t really cut it.  Loved it when Miss 5 got on the phone to say her goodnights — and you could hear his sphincter tighten when she asked if I could come over there coz he comes over here.  He fumbles and says there’s nothing for me there, but (and I told you she was clever) Miss 5 says Sputnik could share hers with me.  He makes some comment about he doesn’t really get to spend time here but she didn’t notice.  Have no doubt he’ll manipulate her and try to find out where that came from but it was ALL her, baby!!  My beautiful Libran girl who’s all about fairness.

AH texted me earlier saying he’s likely to take a house about 5 km away from here, rather than the 15 min walk.  It definitely looks nice online, but surprised he’s not absolutely confirmed that there’s no chance of meth being present; he’s purely taking the agent’s words that she is ‘fairly confident that nothing’s taken place’.  Is it sufficient?  No, I don’t think so.

Positives from the day:

  1. NOT having to deal AH at my house;
  2. getting a nice IRD refund.  Will be needing that!;
  3. that I’ve told the kids they’re not getting the tablet to take to Daddy’s (I mean, two tablets and a computer should suffice … think of the poor African kids who don’t even have electricity) … and I don’t get tantrums in return 🙂

And a peace descends

I’ve got to say, NOT having contact (whether via email, phone, face-to-face) with AH definitely brings a much calmer ‘aura’ over me.

I have to text him as Miss 5 and Master 8 are desperately needing haircuts, before a photo shoot on Saturday.  Unfortunately the hairdresser can’t make it on my days so thankfully he’s accommodating (well, I did say I’d pay for the cuts).  He asks if he’s taking Master 10 to judo this evening but I let him know he’s on swimming duty today so will have to leave work early to get the boys.  I am getting Miss 5 though as she’s seen other girls in her class go off to Pippins so wants to see what that’s about.  AH drives past me walking to the school pick-up and actually offers me a lift for the last 500 metres but I’m enjoying the exercise so decline.

Miss 5 and I are already having dinner by the time he drops the boys back.  Thankfully he doesn’t push for time with Miss 5 and actually asks what time we’ll be back tomorrow after dance and soccer.  I give him the cash for the haircuts, he says his goodbyes to the kids and he’s off.  It was great.  No whinging from the kids to spend time with him instead of coming to judo and no having to let him into my sanctuary.

He did let me know he’s looking at a rental that’s quite a distance away from me – but even further from his brother, which is surprising.  I ask if he’s looked at a place that’s only a 15 minute walk to me, as Master 10 has often said he wants to be close.  He says he wants low maintenance and not much to keep clean, as he’s incredibly unmotivated and lazy (I might have added the last bit).  I tell him I know the existing tenant so will check with her why she’s leaving.  I was there on Thursday after the movie and it had a great vibe.  Very retro.  AH doesn’t do retro though.  He does dated.  I just wish he’d hurry up and get something sorted that’s clean, safe and settled.

Today’s positives:

  1. Miss 5 saying she wasn’t that keen on Pippins – don’t need extra after school activities or expense;
  2. the thunder and lightening storm tonight;
  3. Empire – the duet between Jamal and Lucious sent shivers!!

Feeling energised

Is it sad that spending the day dusting and vacuuming the house can make me feel uplifted?!  Haven’t done a proper clean of the kids’ rooms in particular since before my niece’s passing – there’s been holidays and way too much Lego on the floor to be able to do it to my standard.  One room left to go (lounge) and a desperate need to declutter once I get in there but will leave that excitement for another day.  Don’t want to overdose now, do I!? 😉

Still have elements of spoilt brat manifesting in Miss 5 but they don’t last long, thankfully.  Ironic that I’ll get MY girl back just in time for her to go to AH, then I’ll get the spoilt one back … in a vicious circle of unfairness!

Text AH to bring the 2nd external hard drive with him this afternoon and let him know he can take the kids for ½-an-hour, depending on what time he gets here.  Thought that might compel him to actually let me know what time he plans to turn up, but, alas, he doesn’t have the manners to do that.  He arrives just before 5 pm (hmmm – kids are usually fed 5-5.30 so not sure he thought that through).  Luckily I need another 15 mins to get things sorted so let Miss 5 know that’s how long he’s got.  In two minds as to whether sending him out to spoil them with fluffies is a good thing for me: if he’s in the house, I can keep an eye/ear on what’s being said.  As he didn’t come with his bro’s car, he took the family car so effectively it’ll be me who has to put petrol in.  But the advantage is that I don’t have to have him in the house or deal with him.

And that’s a BIG advantage!

Positives from the day:

  1. lovely warm winter’s day.  Probably don’t even need the fire going;
  2. having a 90% clean house;
  3. hearing how hungover the stayers at the party were.  Glad I didn’t have that to deal with!

I’m a legend!

Yes I am!  Not something I usually do – blow my own trumpet.  But I’m stoked that I actually drove people home from both parties last night.

So, with that positive reinforcement out of the way … 😉

AH gets me on Saturday for the boys’ soccer.  Miss 5 stayed with uncle, which is sad as I’d love to see her, but, hell, I know where I’d rather be and it’s not on the cold sidelines.  Get a hug from Master 10 and a ‘sorry for not coming to see you yesterday’.

AH informs me that he’s spoken with the P-decontaminators and it’s favourable that he can get his stuff out of the place (ie he’d cleaned the heatpump filters and vacuumed regularly, it had been repainted/recarpeted, hadn’t been in there long, no DVS system).  Tells me he’s going to get new mattresses, go to the laundromat for the linen and dryclean all duvets.  Doesn’t ask me how I feel about it.  But I feel sick!  What if there’s still contamination on the stuff?  Do we risk it?!  Conversation over.

It goes downhill with Master 10 when I say that I’m thinking of keeping the tablet because of his overreaction yesterday.  ABOUT A TABLET!  A piece of technology!  When they have 2 in their possession!  I’m actually impressed he’s putting up a fight about something … just wish it was an issue that had importance.  He ends up saying “I want to stay at your place tonight Daddy.  I don’t want to go to Mama’s”.  I stay schtumm – I’m curious to see what AH says.

I’m pleasantly surprised by his answer: “No, it doesn’t work like that.  You aren’t talking nice and hurting Mama’s feelings.  We’ll talk about it later”.   I wonder, if he wasn’t going to a party, would he have said the same thing.

I get dropped at MY place to goodbye hug from Master 8 (who got player of the day.  Superstar!).  Master 10 doesn’t even want to look at me.  I felt I kept it all calm when I explained that, as a mum, there’s going to be many moments in our future when he’s not happy with me and I’m ok with that.  He needs to work out why I’m saying/doing what I’m saying/doing.  I can’t control what mood he comes back in, but hope he is able to see things differently.

The car stays at the bottom of the driveway for quite some time; eventually appears at the top with Master 10 getting out and saying, very red-eyed, “sorry for hurting your feelings”.  So, AH had actually spoken with him further.  I’m surprised.

Kids come back at 5 pm.  AH disappears and I find him out the back of the property cutting rosemary.  Hypocrite!  Happy to say he’s not going to contribute to anything around the house, yet walks around taking stuff without the decency to ask.

None of them can finish their soups for dinner (lunch was Dominos at 2 pm).  I’m considering pushing Saturday changeover to 6 pm and stipulating I get them back fed as this is the second week where they’ve had such a late lunch, they can’t eat what I’ve prepared.  I’m amazed to hear that Friday’s dinner is takeaways from the Turkish again … have to ask if they’ve had anything homecooked and laugh when I got told “TOAST!”.

Kids are excited to hear my work colleague is babysitting.  Head to first party, a 40th where no-one from my local clique will be.  It’s good fun but not drinking much as have to head to the second party, where I know AH is.  He’s on the dance floor by the time I get there.  Notice his new threads – shame the dance moves haven’t been updated as well!  The music is the same that’s been heard at too many parties … after the second play of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” within half-an-hour, I find a willing participant to play pool.  Get the call at 2 am from Master 8 that none of them have settled so finish my game and drive home … amazing many from the group that I was sober/responsible enough to do so.

Babysitter informs me that Master 10 opened up to her tonight.  He’s being verbally bullied by a friend, J, the son of a AH’s colleague and one of my Friday drinking buddies.  Calling him every name under the sun (MoFo, c***) and purposefully befriending people who Master 10 has made friends with, then turning them against Master 10.  J’s happily teaching little kids all the swear words he knows too.  I’m disappointed to hear he told AH about this the night of Master 8’s sleepover, yet neither said anything to me.  AH’s advice: just ignore it and maybe make a sarcastic remark back (‘thanks for that’, ‘you’re too kind’).  Really?!  That’s it?!  You’ve made our kids socialise together on a Friday evening at J’s house, yet not mentioned shit to his parents about what he’s doing to Master 10.

Finally get to bed – with Master 8 and Miss 5 already sprawled in it, I’m on the edge.  Literally!

Have a lovely relaxed Sunday with the bairns.  Miss 5 is a spoilt brat for a large part of the afternoon and it concerns me to hear her saying “I don’t love the boys.  They don’t love me”.  Wonder how much is coming from hearing me/AH saying they don’t love the other anymore.  She’s not her normal self.  Also very scared to sleep in her bed when she gets back from AH’s.  This is real odd.  She’s never had an issue until the past few weeks.

AH calls to say goodnight, but asks kids to call him back as he needs to go on the charger.  NO!  You’ve made me pay for all the costs coming out of this house, so I WILL NOT call you back.  If the kids want to call you, that’s fine.  But you pay for the calls you make.  Again, 5 TIMES MY SALARY!  ONLY PAYING ¼ OF IT FOR ME AND YOUR 3 KIDS 5/7 NIGHTS PER WEEK!!!  Do the maths!

So I now have major concerns:

  • the kids only seem to be eating takeaways, now that AH is flush with cash;
  • he’s buying them new clothes (YAY!) but doesn’t wash them before putting them in them – ewww.  Who does this?
  • he’s not telling me when one of our kids confides in him;
  • Miss 5 spent 2 hours on the tablet yesterday morning while the boys were at soccer.  2 HOURS!!!!  5 years old!?!?
  • Master 10’s reaction to not having our tablet Fri/Sat, when they have two others;
  • decontamination of what was in the P-house.  Can’t it be tested to put minds at rest?

And, from the negatives, here’s my positives:

  1. Master 8 stepping up this afternoon and unpacking the groceries, and generally kicking ass!
  2. not losing at pool last night;
  3. Masters 8 and 10 laughing their butts off as the latter did homework: animals with weapons 🙂

Spiteful little manchild

Had a great time with the ladies watching Magic Mike XXL last night – better than the sequel as they didn’t seem to take themselves seriously this time.  I would love my next husband to have that bod! :).  Got a couple of them to shave my head as the bald patches are growing and this gives me back some power.

Another late night and crashed in front of the fire as it was a lot warmer there than in the bedroom!

Chased AH for answers to two major outstanding questions: (a) was he being spiteful not allowing me to see Miss 5 until changeover; and (b) will he deal with the leaseholder of our London property?

Not trying to be spiteful – [Miss 5] didn’t go with Saturday past, she asked to stay behind. I was merely pointing that out. I also don’t get to see the children on a Sunday so from handover at 5pm on a Saturday, I have to wait 48hours to see them again. I have also been limited to the amount of time I can spend with them when I come to visit in the evenings. If you want fairness, then you need to meet half way.
I don’t have the time to deal with [the leaseholder] anymore. When I tried to get the ball rolling, you didn’t seem to see the need for urgency and you had other requirements. You can now get the flat sorted.

I’m sick of him!  I’m sick of his immaturity.  I’m sick of his sole desire to hurt me.  He knows I have no income yet thinks my need to sell London will work against me.  He’s vile.

I question myself as to whether I’ve made him this way.  Have I turned him from a nice guy to this poisonous prick?

Have a counselling session today and this is one of the questions I’m trying to dig under.  Takes nearly the whole hour to get to a discovery.  Self-loathing.  I’m unsure how to rediscover me and my happiness – especially with what’s going on.  I think it’s sad that I don’t even know what I actually enjoy doing.  I want the ‘old’ me back; the fun one who had a positive outlook.  Where is she?

AH texts to see what time I’ll be home so he can get the tablet for the boys.  I get them to call me and break the bad news to Master 10 that they’re not having it today.  He’s not impressed.  I mean, two tablets are clearly not enough!!  Miss 5 isn’t that bothered but does let me know she wants to stay with uncle instead of soccer coz her feet get cold.  Master 8 takes the news a bit better but cries as he’s left his teddy here.  Arrange for AH to come and pick it up – so at least get to see my babies; well, two of them as Master 10 didn’t want to see me so stayed away.  Jeepers, don’t think I’ll let them take the tablet at all in future!  AH’ll be loving it.

I’m dreading tomorrow as going with him to the boys’ soccer, as well as both being at the same party in the evening.  I’m not someone who can pretend.  If I’m hurting, I struggle to even speak.  And I’m hurting BIG time.  I don’t plan to drink much which will make it harder.  Oh boy!

Positives from the day:

  1. a lovely, quiet Friday night alone;
  2. having a good laugh and perv with Channing Tatum;
  3. going to bed early tonight 🙂

So. Much. Anger.

I’ve spent a long time and a lot of effort to NOT jump onto the things AH says or does … until I’m pushed too far, when I will of course bite back (ie when accused of knowingly letting my kids stay in a P-house).  I have bitten my tongue on many occasions, I’ve been hung up on, I’ve had stupid faces pulled at me instead of discussion, my questions don’t get answered, I’m pissed off with what he’s done and said, and yet I can honestly say I am not reacting like ME, pre-my niece’s passing.

His reply to my asking if we can meet to get things back on track comes at 06:57:  “When do you want to meet up and what do you want to discuss?”.  What the .. ???!!  He really needs to ask the latter part??  REALLY?!

I want to say ‘stop being such an immature little boy’, but keep it nice.  His response is not:

Yes, I seriously need to ask that question!!!! There are that many things to discuss to get it to an amicable stage that it is a relevant question. I want to know what you feel is the most important right now (the children is a given and will be dealt with at mediation). Amicable is a nice to have….it needs all our stuff to be sorted and time to move on to get to that.

I suppose this says it all.  I let him know that I disagree.  “Amicable” needs to happen NOW so that we can get stuff sorted!  While there’s all this toxicity, we’re not going to get anywhere.  We BOTH need to concentrate on the present and the future.  It’s not a “nice to have”.  It’s a necessity!  He is under such a cloud of rage, he can’t see it.  He is only prepared to continue the blame game and lay everything at my door, like he’s faultless.  I want each of us to let the other know what they need to make things amicable.  The kids are definitely suffering at the moment.  I can’t force him to come on board but, to not do so, confirms he’s an utter prick!  His response:

I asked when did you want to meet…you never replied to that.  IMO, this has been an exercise for you to take the moral high ground.  If you really wanted to meet and sort all this out, you would have taken up my offer a while ago or given me a response in this email exchange.

(He had suggested a meeting on the 2nd Monday of the holidays but: (a) I had an appointment with a lawyer; and (b) I had the kids with me, so it couldn’t happen.  He derailed the previous planned meeting when he spoke with his lawyer and refused to discuss the name change – I’m struggling to keep myself from saying that).

This is not an exercise in taking the moral high ground, you spiteful jerk.  This is trying to make things better for us all, and if he chooses not to get on board, so be it.

He stopped in to see the kids while we were still out at dance and football, again without any forewarning of what time he’d turn up.  He obviously jumped to the wrong conclusion as, by 6 pm, he hadn’t even bothered to call the kids.  Miss 5 calls him and asks him to come round.  He turns up while we’re still having dinner.  Whilst I don’t want him in the house (it’s always been shoes are left at the door, yet every time he comes here, he insists on keeping them on = a red flag in front of me.  Last time I asked him to take them off and got a snarky response), the kids do so I put aside my feelings and he’s allowed in.  Got to show willing, don’t I!  Kids need a shower so thankfully he doesn’t stay long.

Get a response re my proposed dates – he goes for Monday at 2 pm.  I say at the local pub so I can do the school run afterwards but he demands at the food court as he’ll have to go back to work (“it’s better for both of us”, he says … well, no, it’s not as I will be within walking distance of the local and school).

I want to say that he needs to calm down before the meeting, but I don’t.  I want to say he needs to grow up, but I don’t.  Not sure why I’m bothering as he won’t notice anyway and will still focus on all his negative misconceptions in any event.  Oh well, I’m being the bigger person and that will count … one day!

Positives:

  1. keeping calm replying to emails which clearly weren’t written from a peaceful place;
  2. watching Revenge of the Nerds.  Oh wow.  That’s a blast from the past;
  3. pay day!  Hurrah!

The spiral down continues …

Boy – things are toxic and I’m not sure if there’s a way back.

Emailed AH this morning as needed to see if he’d do judo with Master 10, as I would do swimming (as we’d done last term).  Also wanted to know what ointments Miss 5 had got from the doctor last Thursday (despite specifically asking at 15:17 for the names, he has not given them) and whether Master 8 had been given the Ventolin I’d asked for (I have him in the bed during the night and can hear the wheeze).

Takes two hours to get his response, which still does not tell me the name of Miss 5’s ointments, says the doc said Master 8 had a slight infection and therefore didn’t give it, but he would take Master 10 to judo.

Why the need to withhold information on what ointments he was given??  I am their mother and have brought them up.  I know them better than anyone – especially when something is wrong with their health.  It’s childish and vindictive.

Finally responds that he only got the existing cream.  What a shame I hadn’t been the one to take them to the doctor as I could’ve said that it’s not doing a good job and requested something else.  I would’ve also ensured we got more ventolin so that when they get their mild asthma, it can be sorted.

Now that I know he’s at work and answering emails, I ask if he’s heard from the mediation service, and:

Please explain why the kids have been left alone with [Sputnik] twice, when I have specifically said they are not to be until such time as the parenting plan is agreed.  You are putting them in a difficult position.

It’s like getting blood out of a stone, as he ignores the questions I’ve put to him.  He eventually comes back with “I don’t need to explain myself regarding [Sputnik]”.  Yes, you do!  I’m primary caregiver and don’t trust her.

He ramps it up on the ass-scale:

Only if you explain yourself as to why – the children LOVE💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 her.

I don’t even know where to find those emoticons!!!  I say happy to say when kids aren’t around.  His response:

If you put it in writing today, I can consider your instructions and possibly implement this Thursday should they be reasonable.  If it is to wait until mediation then the children can continue to enjoy their time with their [Sputnik].

I ask him if this is blackmail?  It looks like blackmail.  His reply astounds me.

Blackmail???? Well you do have more money than me!!!!!
Let me think on a figure….da da da DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the suspense must be killing you!!!!

Oh.My.God!!

He emails separately re my mobile.  He’s moved it onto pre-paid but I should be grateful as he ‘chose’ not to cancel the contract completely.  He lets me know I owe him for it since March and he’ll “add it to my account”.

Oh.My.Fucking.God!!

Take the kids to swimming then quick detour to the beach to try and catch the sunset.  The sky was AMAZING (though Miss 5 didn’t think so as she’s been completely not herself since school pick-up.  She’s verbally nasty to the boys: “I don’t love you, I don’t care”, etc.  It’s not her at all).  Ask on the way home if anyone wants some one-on-one time with me and they all say ‘yes’.  As Master 10 has to go do judo and Miss 5 has been vile, agree Master 8 should be the one.  He’s on the tablet when AH arrives as I prepare dinner.  He tells AH he’s staying to have time with me and AH makes a charming dig “is this your one-on-one” (referring to the tablet).  Nasty.  Get out of my house!

Master 8 chooses the game (Top Trumps) then get down my backgammon set as he’s keen to learn that.  What a superstar!  He picked it up and really enjoyed it.  Little tinbum actually beat me the first game.

AH drops the others home and leaves.  Master 8 starts saying he wants one-on-one with me on Fridays and wants to call Daddy about it – I let him know we can’t do that as Daddy needs his time, but he insists on ringing.  Not sure where that conversation went but Master 8 ended up in tears on the phone – caught the tailend and AH told Master 8 to think about if he wants Thurs and Fri with me, and let him know tomorrow what he wants to do.  I only hope he doesn’t think I’ve sown any seeds about this.

Clearly, he thinks I did as get an email at 19:52 re “adult conversations”.  The two kids spoke about going up to my parents’ for Christmas and that I had said we would be up there this year and AH wouldn’t be happy.  He mentions Master 10’s therapist saying not to have adult conversations in front of the kids.

It is unlikely you will get that approval. You told the mediator that you wanted fairness, how is that fair and why do you think it is fair that the children spend both Easter and  Christmas without me?

God – it was such a nothing of a conversation that I didn’t even think about it until he mentioned it.  The kids instigated it and it went along the lines of my saying I’d like it to be at my parents’ as we didn’t go last year, but that AH would want to spend it with uncle; so it’s something that we need to discuss.  Hardly an adult conversation (unless of course it was a typical adult conversation with AH … as there was no definitive conclusion ;)!).  I ask when he might be able to have an adult conversation.

Along with:  “Can we meet up to get things back on track.  This isn’t helping anyone”.  I have no doubt he will not be mature enough to do this.

Positives:

  1. how quickly Master 8 picked up, and enjoyed, backgammon;
  2. being organised enough to get the slow-cooker on before school; being mindful enough to recall I’d put it on high and dash home to put it on the low-down before it was too late;
  3. Master 10 being wonderfully helpful again pre-school;
  4. tonight’s sunset!  An absolute stunner.