Been a busy few days so haven’t posted. And not coz things weren’t going on, that’s for sure!
Wednesday (ie the day after the test results are in) and AH emails. He’s been released from the tenancy. He asks (yes, ASKS, which is nice!) if he can bring the kids back here for his nights for three weeks, until he can housesit at his mate’s place for three weeks after that (unless of course he finds another rental, but there’s not much out there). Not sure I liked his comment “will you be part of the process?”. Odd choice of words, I thought.
I try to keep my response light and free of any hint of anger. One of the memes I now have on my wardrobe door is “hurt people hurt people” and to treat contempt with compassion, etc. I want to go forward with that in mind.
“Thanks for asking if I can have the kids here Thurs and Fri. I do want to help as I feel sorryfor the situation you find yourself in (bet that wasn’t forecast when the three of you made plans 3 months ago
There’s two issues I find making this a quandry for me:
- those are the only two nights that I can make plans to do something for myself so I would lose that freedom;
- I feel that the vitally important thing that I’ve asked for has been used as a pawn in a spiteful game and I’ve not been given what was promised, yet I’m expected to compromise”.
I presume he hasn’t suggested staying at the bro’s to not inconvenience them. The kids have said how cold the lounge is so I offer a heater from here that they could use. If that doesn’t suit, I say I’d have the kids here but already have plans for some of those nights and that he would need to bring something to the table re #2 above – making it clear that I’m not using it as bargaining or leverage; just that if I’m doing something good, he needs to too.
He lets me know the place is going to be handed over to Envirocheck for full decontamination and he’s waiting to hear what will happen with the linen, etc (as he’s been told to leave everything there. There’s a chance it will all just need to be binned). He asks if I was gloating with my forecasting comment [jumping straight to a negative conclusion again], that he needs more elaborating on point #2 as “he’s not sure what he’s withheld anymore” [of course he’s not as he’s withheld so much stuff, I can completely understand his confusion], that he’ll take the heater [no mention of kids though] and that he’d come pick up kids at 09:30. All very blunt statements. There ain’t no love lost, that’s for sure.
I’m at a sleepover with the kids. Get them to make sure my response reads ok before sending and all agree that it’s fine. Can’t obviously stop AH reading negativity into it. I call him after a few beers to see if I could ring my brother to see if Master 10 can come for a visit. He needs some time away from his siblings, and my brother and his wife would probably enjoy the distraction too. He doesn’t make it an easy conversation and seems to be trying to be difficult. It’s eventually conditional on my checking that he can fly unaccompanied.
I’ve emailed him and he needs to read it as it concerns, inter alia, the changeover time tomorrow. He asks what time that will be but I want him to read the entire email so say he’ll find out when he checks his email.
Email from him first thing Thursday morning asking if he can take the kids’ duvets. I’ve asked him to find out from Envirocheck when we’ll know whether the linen is contaminated. He hasn’t answered. I’ve asked for a copy of the test results. He hasn’t answered. It’s not right that I’m supposed to constantly give him stuff, when he gives nothing back when I ask.
I put a call out on Facebook asking any locals if they have some spare duvets/sleeping bags and get a wonderful amount donated (I also put in reference to his ‘making his first independent decision and moving the kids to a place contaminated with P’, but I’m tired of looking to be the baddie while no-one seems to know what he’s done to cause this entire situation). I text him to let him know that there’s a bag of stuff to be collected on his way to the doctors (apparently meth can aggravate eczema and Miss 5’s skin has been worse of late). He’s pissed that I won’t let him take the duvets from here and I explain that I’d rather not have to strip the beds and remake them every Thursday/Saturday (and it would be me doing all the work, not him) and that it would be easier for everyone. He tells me to “don’t bother, I will sort them!” along with a dig that I know it’s for the kids to sleep under, not him.
I call him – of course I knew it was for the kids and that was why I’d sorted it. His voice is raised and accusations start to fly so I blurt out he’s the one who moved them into a P-house. He hangs up.
I call to say goodnight to the kids and speak with him too to let him know how much linen I was given and it would be silly not to take it. He swallows that arrogant pride and relents.
We also discuss that he hasn’t paid the money he said he’d pay to cover the mortgage so that we’ll forfeit on tomorrow’s payment. I don’t get child support until 7 September and don’t have enough to pay the floating interest AND the fixed. He spurts forth venomously about my wages, Working For Families and the money I get from Work & Income (he has never actually taken the time to ASK me how I’m surviving/how much I’m getting) so I let him know I get nothing from WINZ (although have an appointment tomorrow to see if I can get accommodation supplement, but likely as we’ve got equity in the place in London). Amazingly he uses this time to again say he just wants his money from this place and his half of what’s here. Complains that he’s not got all his CDs (I can’t keep telling him the custody side of things are the priority; not relationship property) then tells me I need to ask my father for the money. So he’s not paying any rent for the moment and will no doubt go three-ways on food bills so money is not tight for him.
I need to get this spousal maintenance claim in. As he clearly feels no moral grounds to contribute more than IRD are taking. The child support payment won’t even cover the mortgage payments, let alone any other bills. It is a mere quarter of his net wage.
Someone has recited to him the post I put on FB so he’s fuming. I get a comment “well go and complain on Facebook then”, I say I could’ve said much worse on there but haven’t. Again, I’m hung up on.
Go see a friend as I’m in need of a wine while I digest all this crap. Come home and have an anxiety attack about whether I am actually at blame for this P-house. I’m devastated to think that I might have put my kids at risk. But, no matter what way I look at it, I did NOT know that P- was used in that house, and my affidavit to court will say that. Definitely mentioned as a tinny house once AH had signed the lease, and one person made a P-comment, that I let him know about as soon as he moved in. As soon as it was confirmed that she was a user, I got him to test the place. I’m not deserving of any blame. Try to ring the Samaritans as I’m needing to vent and to get someone impartial shed some light and get some advice to help let it go. Amazingly, the voicemail message is that the lines are busy and to try later. Jeez! Thankfully I wasn’t someone in real trouble.
Meeting on Friday with WINZ and, yup, it’s confirmed I won’t get anything from them until we sell London. Which is a shame coz, once London sells, I hope we won’t have a need to get the supplement.
He comes to the house before I go to work to get Master 10’s soccer boot and the tablet. Having already asked him by text when his brother is going to check the meth checks they put through on their clients and been ignored, I ask him while he waits by the car if it’s going to be done. He just shrugs then pulls the crosseyed, scrunched nose, tongue out look. Despite the predicament we find ourselves in now, he’s not prepared to make a call to ensure the same problem won’t be an issue. It’s a stubborn, controlling, naive play. I tell him to “grow up” and that he’s an “embarrassment”.
A quick squizz in the yellow pages and I ring the agents myself. There’s no test or form they get their clients to complete. Great! Great, who’s to be certain of anything nowdays!?
I got to a friend’s place after work and have a good chinwag with her. She’s two years down the separation path so it’s great to get her take on things. It’s lovely having the ear of someone who’s been through it. Coz you can’t possibly know the feelings that are stirred up, unless you’ve been through it yourself. She also lives in the back townhouse of where AH moved into so is trepidatious about that. She’s been there two years with her kids so hopefully it hasn’t travelled airborne. Great fun then home. Lovely and warm in the lounge so pull out a sheet, blanket and pillow and crash in there. With the cat.
As both boys are playing football at the same venue and AH hasn’t bothered to tell me he’s getting me, I’m in for a sleep-in. Yay! Need that. They still turn up here at 8 am to get Master 10’s socks. No water bottles for the boys. Noice!
I get a text from him at 14:12 saying kids just finished a late lunch so probably won’t need a big dinner. Lunch at 2 pm isn’t good parenting but glad I’d not bothered to start a flash swanky meal started. Pies it is!
The car drives up at 16:30, half an hour early. Master 8 comes in in tears. He didn’t want to stay at daddy’s and never wants to go back there. Miss 5 and Master 10 then come in, in tears as well with their fingers pointed angrily at Master 8 saying it’s all his fault. They wanted to have their remaining half hour but AH said no.
Sit and cuddle with Master 8 then try and work out what’s gone on. After football, they went back to uncles. Went out for a kebab lunch (coz AH is flush with cash, he probably never needs to cook again!), then went and pick up 8 bottles of Krombacher beer (4 for him; 4 for uncle). They went back to the uncles and played on tablets. All three of them. Master 8 felt aggrieved as he didn’t get long on uncle’s tablet, although, as I understood it, all three had had the same amount of time. He wanted to come back; the other two didn’t but AH threw them in the car and brought them back. No call to say it was happening/check if I was home.
I don’t think it’s fair AH made them all come back and didn’t just bring Master 8 back. Master 10 rings him as he’s still upset and says he wants to see him tomorrow and maybe come and play some football. Bloody ridiculous! He hardly plays footie with the boys when he’s here and doesn’t seem to do much of it on his watch, yet he’s asked to come and do it on my watch. Sunday is my day without seeing him so not happy. Miss 5 is still crying when she talks. Master 8 doesn’t want to talk to him.
Sit down with all three and playing Monopoly as we need to be a team. Good fun until they start going OTT crazy – that never ends well. Watch Garfield movie. Master 8 has calmed and wants to say goodnight to AH so he calls. The other two speak as well and it’s mentioned about him coming around tomorrow but he’s told by Miss 5 and Master 10 “he’s not allowed” – not my exact words but, no, I enjoy not seeing him.
AH says he didn’t handle it properly earlier (no shit, Einstein) and that if it happens again, he’ll just put Master 8 into a room by himself and the others can go out and play. Still not an ideal scenario – why can’t that person be brought back if they’re desperately ask to be??!!
Miss 5 then starts melting down when I say she’s off to bed at the next ads – I’m getting a lot of “I DON’T CARE” mouthiness from her and take it back to the day when AH used just those words loudly in front of her when we discussed the first rental. Lie with her for a bit to make sure she’s ok. She still holds onto the hope that AH and I will get back together. Sorry honey, but there’s no chance!
Boys finish the movie then head to bed. Quick chat with them trying to work out why there’s so much fighting and tears. Feel that AH is putting the 5-day message in their heads as that’s brought up again by Master 10. I say we need to get those sleepovers happening once AH is in his place. I hear he’s looked at a place on this road and think he might have taken it. Nice to have them closer to home but still not convinced it’s a safe place. Occassionally go past and hear loud fighting and photos on TradeMe look damp. Wonder what background checks he’s done on it. If any.
Ring my brother and he’s agreeable to Master 10 going up and spending some time with them. They’re moving into a 2-bed apartment in town and will look to rent out their home. Being there still hurts them too much. He’s still broken and that’s heartbreaking to hear.
- getting a sleep-in;
- Not much else. Getting those three kids back in sad moods is awful. I don’t send them to him like that, it’s unjust for him to not do the same.