Midweek update

Was surprised to not have any bed invaders, despite the thunder and heavy rain last night.  Actually slightly missed not having someone in there 🙂

Another lovely day with minimal contact from AH.  It really does dispel those stomach churns and any feelings of fear and frustration.

Feel satisfaction in getting dinner in the slow-cooker before going to work.  Didn’t do it last week and felt under the cosh once I got in from dance and soccer.  When it’s only me, I have no choice but to be all over it on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Have started to notice the tedium of solely doing dishes too – resentful, almost, that AH has 3 adults to do that monotonous chore.  Oh well, still better than having him in my life!

Quick drive-by to see if the drinking habits of those 3 has declined at all … no, it would seem not:

20150722_085017← Last week’s efforts (with Sputnik sick)

and this week’s → 20150729_153412 (1)

Miss 5 asks if Daddy’s coming round and, with the icy, strong wind, I’m not keen on them being taken out into it.  She’s clever though so asks if he can come in.  “Please”, she says.  I point out that I’m not able to go into his house but I have to let him into mine which stinks a bit, and we’ll see what he wants to do when he gets here.

AH calls at about 5.15 pm and Master 8 tells him that we didn’t go to his soccer training (I figured training would be off as the grounds were closed so didn’t bother making the trek).  AH sounded disappointed for not dropping in, but he walks past to get to his bro’s and would’ve seen the car in the drive so that didn’t really cut it.  Loved it when Miss 5 got on the phone to say her goodnights — and you could hear his sphincter tighten when she asked if I could come over there coz he comes over here.  He fumbles and says there’s nothing for me there, but (and I told you she was clever) Miss 5 says Sputnik could share hers with me.  He makes some comment about he doesn’t really get to spend time here but she didn’t notice.  Have no doubt he’ll manipulate her and try to find out where that came from but it was ALL her, baby!!  My beautiful Libran girl who’s all about fairness.

AH texted me earlier saying he’s likely to take a house about 5 km away from here, rather than the 15 min walk.  It definitely looks nice online, but surprised he’s not absolutely confirmed that there’s no chance of meth being present; he’s purely taking the agent’s words that she is ‘fairly confident that nothing’s taken place’.  Is it sufficient?  No, I don’t think so.

Positives from the day:

  1. NOT having to deal AH at my house;
  2. getting a nice IRD refund.  Will be needing that!;
  3. that I’ve told the kids they’re not getting the tablet to take to Daddy’s (I mean, two tablets and a computer should suffice … think of the poor African kids who don’t even have electricity) … and I don’t get tantrums in return 🙂

And a peace descends

I’ve got to say, NOT having contact (whether via email, phone, face-to-face) with AH definitely brings a much calmer ‘aura’ over me.

I have to text him as Miss 5 and Master 8 are desperately needing haircuts, before a photo shoot on Saturday.  Unfortunately the hairdresser can’t make it on my days so thankfully he’s accommodating (well, I did say I’d pay for the cuts).  He asks if he’s taking Master 10 to judo this evening but I let him know he’s on swimming duty today so will have to leave work early to get the boys.  I am getting Miss 5 though as she’s seen other girls in her class go off to Pippins so wants to see what that’s about.  AH drives past me walking to the school pick-up and actually offers me a lift for the last 500 metres but I’m enjoying the exercise so decline.

Miss 5 and I are already having dinner by the time he drops the boys back.  Thankfully he doesn’t push for time with Miss 5 and actually asks what time we’ll be back tomorrow after dance and soccer.  I give him the cash for the haircuts, he says his goodbyes to the kids and he’s off.  It was great.  No whinging from the kids to spend time with him instead of coming to judo and no having to let him into my sanctuary.

He did let me know he’s looking at a rental that’s quite a distance away from me – but even further from his brother, which is surprising.  I ask if he’s looked at a place that’s only a 15 minute walk to me, as Master 10 has often said he wants to be close.  He says he wants low maintenance and not much to keep clean, as he’s incredibly unmotivated and lazy (I might have added the last bit).  I tell him I know the existing tenant so will check with her why she’s leaving.  I was there on Thursday after the movie and it had a great vibe.  Very retro.  AH doesn’t do retro though.  He does dated.  I just wish he’d hurry up and get something sorted that’s clean, safe and settled.

Today’s positives:

  1. Miss 5 saying she wasn’t that keen on Pippins – don’t need extra after school activities or expense;
  2. the thunder and lightening storm tonight;
  3. Empire – the duet between Jamal and Lucious sent shivers!!

Feeling energised

Is it sad that spending the day dusting and vacuuming the house can make me feel uplifted?!  Haven’t done a proper clean of the kids’ rooms in particular since before my niece’s passing – there’s been holidays and way too much Lego on the floor to be able to do it to my standard.  One room left to go (lounge) and a desperate need to declutter once I get in there but will leave that excitement for another day.  Don’t want to overdose now, do I!? 😉

Still have elements of spoilt brat manifesting in Miss 5 but they don’t last long, thankfully.  Ironic that I’ll get MY girl back just in time for her to go to AH, then I’ll get the spoilt one back … in a vicious circle of unfairness!

Text AH to bring the 2nd external hard drive with him this afternoon and let him know he can take the kids for ½-an-hour, depending on what time he gets here.  Thought that might compel him to actually let me know what time he plans to turn up, but, alas, he doesn’t have the manners to do that.  He arrives just before 5 pm (hmmm – kids are usually fed 5-5.30 so not sure he thought that through).  Luckily I need another 15 mins to get things sorted so let Miss 5 know that’s how long he’s got.  In two minds as to whether sending him out to spoil them with fluffies is a good thing for me: if he’s in the house, I can keep an eye/ear on what’s being said.  As he didn’t come with his bro’s car, he took the family car so effectively it’ll be me who has to put petrol in.  But the advantage is that I don’t have to have him in the house or deal with him.

And that’s a BIG advantage!

Positives from the day:

  1. lovely warm winter’s day.  Probably don’t even need the fire going;
  2. having a 90% clean house;
  3. hearing how hungover the stayers at the party were.  Glad I didn’t have that to deal with!

I’m a legend!

Yes I am!  Not something I usually do – blow my own trumpet.  But I’m stoked that I actually drove people home from both parties last night.

So, with that positive reinforcement out of the way … 😉

AH gets me on Saturday for the boys’ soccer.  Miss 5 stayed with uncle, which is sad as I’d love to see her, but, hell, I know where I’d rather be and it’s not on the cold sidelines.  Get a hug from Master 10 and a ‘sorry for not coming to see you yesterday’.

AH informs me that he’s spoken with the P-decontaminators and it’s favourable that he can get his stuff out of the place (ie he’d cleaned the heatpump filters and vacuumed regularly, it had been repainted/recarpeted, hadn’t been in there long, no DVS system).  Tells me he’s going to get new mattresses, go to the laundromat for the linen and dryclean all duvets.  Doesn’t ask me how I feel about it.  But I feel sick!  What if there’s still contamination on the stuff?  Do we risk it?!  Conversation over.

It goes downhill with Master 10 when I say that I’m thinking of keeping the tablet because of his overreaction yesterday.  ABOUT A TABLET!  A piece of technology!  When they have 2 in their possession!  I’m actually impressed he’s putting up a fight about something … just wish it was an issue that had importance.  He ends up saying “I want to stay at your place tonight Daddy.  I don’t want to go to Mama’s”.  I stay schtumm – I’m curious to see what AH says.

I’m pleasantly surprised by his answer: “No, it doesn’t work like that.  You aren’t talking nice and hurting Mama’s feelings.  We’ll talk about it later”.   I wonder, if he wasn’t going to a party, would he have said the same thing.

I get dropped at MY place to goodbye hug from Master 8 (who got player of the day.  Superstar!).  Master 10 doesn’t even want to look at me.  I felt I kept it all calm when I explained that, as a mum, there’s going to be many moments in our future when he’s not happy with me and I’m ok with that.  He needs to work out why I’m saying/doing what I’m saying/doing.  I can’t control what mood he comes back in, but hope he is able to see things differently.

The car stays at the bottom of the driveway for quite some time; eventually appears at the top with Master 10 getting out and saying, very red-eyed, “sorry for hurting your feelings”.  So, AH had actually spoken with him further.  I’m surprised.

Kids come back at 5 pm.  AH disappears and I find him out the back of the property cutting rosemary.  Hypocrite!  Happy to say he’s not going to contribute to anything around the house, yet walks around taking stuff without the decency to ask.

None of them can finish their soups for dinner (lunch was Dominos at 2 pm).  I’m considering pushing Saturday changeover to 6 pm and stipulating I get them back fed as this is the second week where they’ve had such a late lunch, they can’t eat what I’ve prepared.  I’m amazed to hear that Friday’s dinner is takeaways from the Turkish again … have to ask if they’ve had anything homecooked and laugh when I got told “TOAST!”.

Kids are excited to hear my work colleague is babysitting.  Head to first party, a 40th where no-one from my local clique will be.  It’s good fun but not drinking much as have to head to the second party, where I know AH is.  He’s on the dance floor by the time I get there.  Notice his new threads – shame the dance moves haven’t been updated as well!  The music is the same that’s been heard at too many parties … after the second play of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” within half-an-hour, I find a willing participant to play pool.  Get the call at 2 am from Master 8 that none of them have settled so finish my game and drive home … amazing many from the group that I was sober/responsible enough to do so.

Babysitter informs me that Master 10 opened up to her tonight.  He’s being verbally bullied by a friend, J, the son of a AH’s colleague and one of my Friday drinking buddies.  Calling him every name under the sun (MoFo, c***) and purposefully befriending people who Master 10 has made friends with, then turning them against Master 10.  J’s happily teaching little kids all the swear words he knows too.  I’m disappointed to hear he told AH about this the night of Master 8’s sleepover, yet neither said anything to me.  AH’s advice: just ignore it and maybe make a sarcastic remark back (‘thanks for that’, ‘you’re too kind’).  Really?!  That’s it?!  You’ve made our kids socialise together on a Friday evening at J’s house, yet not mentioned shit to his parents about what he’s doing to Master 10.

Finally get to bed – with Master 8 and Miss 5 already sprawled in it, I’m on the edge.  Literally!

Have a lovely relaxed Sunday with the bairns.  Miss 5 is a spoilt brat for a large part of the afternoon and it concerns me to hear her saying “I don’t love the boys.  They don’t love me”.  Wonder how much is coming from hearing me/AH saying they don’t love the other anymore.  She’s not her normal self.  Also very scared to sleep in her bed when she gets back from AH’s.  This is real odd.  She’s never had an issue until the past few weeks.

AH calls to say goodnight, but asks kids to call him back as he needs to go on the charger.  NO!  You’ve made me pay for all the costs coming out of this house, so I WILL NOT call you back.  If the kids want to call you, that’s fine.  But you pay for the calls you make.  Again, 5 TIMES MY SALARY!  ONLY PAYING ¼ OF IT FOR ME AND YOUR 3 KIDS 5/7 NIGHTS PER WEEK!!!  Do the maths!

So I now have major concerns:

  • the kids only seem to be eating takeaways, now that AH is flush with cash;
  • he’s buying them new clothes (YAY!) but doesn’t wash them before putting them in them – ewww.  Who does this?
  • he’s not telling me when one of our kids confides in him;
  • Miss 5 spent 2 hours on the tablet yesterday morning while the boys were at soccer.  2 HOURS!!!!  5 years old!?!?
  • Master 10’s reaction to not having our tablet Fri/Sat, when they have two others;
  • decontamination of what was in the P-house.  Can’t it be tested to put minds at rest?

And, from the negatives, here’s my positives:

  1. Master 8 stepping up this afternoon and unpacking the groceries, and generally kicking ass!
  2. not losing at pool last night;
  3. Masters 8 and 10 laughing their butts off as the latter did homework: animals with weapons 🙂

Spiteful little manchild

Had a great time with the ladies watching Magic Mike XXL last night – better than the sequel as they didn’t seem to take themselves seriously this time.  I would love my next husband to have that bod! :).  Got a couple of them to shave my head as the bald patches are growing and this gives me back some power.

Another late night and crashed in front of the fire as it was a lot warmer there than in the bedroom!

Chased AH for answers to two major outstanding questions: (a) was he being spiteful not allowing me to see Miss 5 until changeover; and (b) will he deal with the leaseholder of our London property?

Not trying to be spiteful – [Miss 5] didn’t go with Saturday past, she asked to stay behind. I was merely pointing that out. I also don’t get to see the children on a Sunday so from handover at 5pm on a Saturday, I have to wait 48hours to see them again. I have also been limited to the amount of time I can spend with them when I come to visit in the evenings. If you want fairness, then you need to meet half way.
I don’t have the time to deal with [the leaseholder] anymore. When I tried to get the ball rolling, you didn’t seem to see the need for urgency and you had other requirements. You can now get the flat sorted.

I’m sick of him!  I’m sick of his immaturity.  I’m sick of his sole desire to hurt me.  He knows I have no income yet thinks my need to sell London will work against me.  He’s vile.

I question myself as to whether I’ve made him this way.  Have I turned him from a nice guy to this poisonous prick?

Have a counselling session today and this is one of the questions I’m trying to dig under.  Takes nearly the whole hour to get to a discovery.  Self-loathing.  I’m unsure how to rediscover me and my happiness – especially with what’s going on.  I think it’s sad that I don’t even know what I actually enjoy doing.  I want the ‘old’ me back; the fun one who had a positive outlook.  Where is she?

AH texts to see what time I’ll be home so he can get the tablet for the boys.  I get them to call me and break the bad news to Master 10 that they’re not having it today.  He’s not impressed.  I mean, two tablets are clearly not enough!!  Miss 5 isn’t that bothered but does let me know she wants to stay with uncle instead of soccer coz her feet get cold.  Master 8 takes the news a bit better but cries as he’s left his teddy here.  Arrange for AH to come and pick it up – so at least get to see my babies; well, two of them as Master 10 didn’t want to see me so stayed away.  Jeepers, don’t think I’ll let them take the tablet at all in future!  AH’ll be loving it.

I’m dreading tomorrow as going with him to the boys’ soccer, as well as both being at the same party in the evening.  I’m not someone who can pretend.  If I’m hurting, I struggle to even speak.  And I’m hurting BIG time.  I don’t plan to drink much which will make it harder.  Oh boy!

Positives from the day:

  1. a lovely, quiet Friday night alone;
  2. having a good laugh and perv with Channing Tatum;
  3. going to bed early tonight 🙂

So. Much. Anger.

I’ve spent a long time and a lot of effort to NOT jump onto the things AH says or does … until I’m pushed too far, when I will of course bite back (ie when accused of knowingly letting my kids stay in a P-house).  I have bitten my tongue on many occasions, I’ve been hung up on, I’ve had stupid faces pulled at me instead of discussion, my questions don’t get answered, I’m pissed off with what he’s done and said, and yet I can honestly say I am not reacting like ME, pre-my niece’s passing.

His reply to my asking if we can meet to get things back on track comes at 06:57:  “When do you want to meet up and what do you want to discuss?”.  What the .. ???!!  He really needs to ask the latter part??  REALLY?!

I want to say ‘stop being such an immature little boy’, but keep it nice.  His response is not:

Yes, I seriously need to ask that question!!!! There are that many things to discuss to get it to an amicable stage that it is a relevant question. I want to know what you feel is the most important right now (the children is a given and will be dealt with at mediation). Amicable is a nice to have….it needs all our stuff to be sorted and time to move on to get to that.

I suppose this says it all.  I let him know that I disagree.  “Amicable” needs to happen NOW so that we can get stuff sorted!  While there’s all this toxicity, we’re not going to get anywhere.  We BOTH need to concentrate on the present and the future.  It’s not a “nice to have”.  It’s a necessity!  He is under such a cloud of rage, he can’t see it.  He is only prepared to continue the blame game and lay everything at my door, like he’s faultless.  I want each of us to let the other know what they need to make things amicable.  The kids are definitely suffering at the moment.  I can’t force him to come on board but, to not do so, confirms he’s an utter prick!  His response:

I asked when did you want to meet…you never replied to that.  IMO, this has been an exercise for you to take the moral high ground.  If you really wanted to meet and sort all this out, you would have taken up my offer a while ago or given me a response in this email exchange.

(He had suggested a meeting on the 2nd Monday of the holidays but: (a) I had an appointment with a lawyer; and (b) I had the kids with me, so it couldn’t happen.  He derailed the previous planned meeting when he spoke with his lawyer and refused to discuss the name change – I’m struggling to keep myself from saying that).

This is not an exercise in taking the moral high ground, you spiteful jerk.  This is trying to make things better for us all, and if he chooses not to get on board, so be it.

He stopped in to see the kids while we were still out at dance and football, again without any forewarning of what time he’d turn up.  He obviously jumped to the wrong conclusion as, by 6 pm, he hadn’t even bothered to call the kids.  Miss 5 calls him and asks him to come round.  He turns up while we’re still having dinner.  Whilst I don’t want him in the house (it’s always been shoes are left at the door, yet every time he comes here, he insists on keeping them on = a red flag in front of me.  Last time I asked him to take them off and got a snarky response), the kids do so I put aside my feelings and he’s allowed in.  Got to show willing, don’t I!  Kids need a shower so thankfully he doesn’t stay long.

Get a response re my proposed dates – he goes for Monday at 2 pm.  I say at the local pub so I can do the school run afterwards but he demands at the food court as he’ll have to go back to work (“it’s better for both of us”, he says … well, no, it’s not as I will be within walking distance of the local and school).

I want to say that he needs to calm down before the meeting, but I don’t.  I want to say he needs to grow up, but I don’t.  Not sure why I’m bothering as he won’t notice anyway and will still focus on all his negative misconceptions in any event.  Oh well, I’m being the bigger person and that will count … one day!

Positives:

  1. keeping calm replying to emails which clearly weren’t written from a peaceful place;
  2. watching Revenge of the Nerds.  Oh wow.  That’s a blast from the past;
  3. pay day!  Hurrah!

The spiral down continues …

Boy – things are toxic and I’m not sure if there’s a way back.

Emailed AH this morning as needed to see if he’d do judo with Master 10, as I would do swimming (as we’d done last term).  Also wanted to know what ointments Miss 5 had got from the doctor last Thursday (despite specifically asking at 15:17 for the names, he has not given them) and whether Master 8 had been given the Ventolin I’d asked for (I have him in the bed during the night and can hear the wheeze).

Takes two hours to get his response, which still does not tell me the name of Miss 5’s ointments, says the doc said Master 8 had a slight infection and therefore didn’t give it, but he would take Master 10 to judo.

Why the need to withhold information on what ointments he was given??  I am their mother and have brought them up.  I know them better than anyone – especially when something is wrong with their health.  It’s childish and vindictive.

Finally responds that he only got the existing cream.  What a shame I hadn’t been the one to take them to the doctor as I could’ve said that it’s not doing a good job and requested something else.  I would’ve also ensured we got more ventolin so that when they get their mild asthma, it can be sorted.

Now that I know he’s at work and answering emails, I ask if he’s heard from the mediation service, and:

Please explain why the kids have been left alone with [Sputnik] twice, when I have specifically said they are not to be until such time as the parenting plan is agreed.  You are putting them in a difficult position.

It’s like getting blood out of a stone, as he ignores the questions I’ve put to him.  He eventually comes back with “I don’t need to explain myself regarding [Sputnik]”.  Yes, you do!  I’m primary caregiver and don’t trust her.

He ramps it up on the ass-scale:

Only if you explain yourself as to why – the children LOVE💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 her.

I don’t even know where to find those emoticons!!!  I say happy to say when kids aren’t around.  His response:

If you put it in writing today, I can consider your instructions and possibly implement this Thursday should they be reasonable.  If it is to wait until mediation then the children can continue to enjoy their time with their [Sputnik].

I ask him if this is blackmail?  It looks like blackmail.  His reply astounds me.

Blackmail???? Well you do have more money than me!!!!!
Let me think on a figure….da da da DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the suspense must be killing you!!!!

Oh.My.God!!

He emails separately re my mobile.  He’s moved it onto pre-paid but I should be grateful as he ‘chose’ not to cancel the contract completely.  He lets me know I owe him for it since March and he’ll “add it to my account”.

Oh.My.Fucking.God!!

Take the kids to swimming then quick detour to the beach to try and catch the sunset.  The sky was AMAZING (though Miss 5 didn’t think so as she’s been completely not herself since school pick-up.  She’s verbally nasty to the boys: “I don’t love you, I don’t care”, etc.  It’s not her at all).  Ask on the way home if anyone wants some one-on-one time with me and they all say ‘yes’.  As Master 10 has to go do judo and Miss 5 has been vile, agree Master 8 should be the one.  He’s on the tablet when AH arrives as I prepare dinner.  He tells AH he’s staying to have time with me and AH makes a charming dig “is this your one-on-one” (referring to the tablet).  Nasty.  Get out of my house!

Master 8 chooses the game (Top Trumps) then get down my backgammon set as he’s keen to learn that.  What a superstar!  He picked it up and really enjoyed it.  Little tinbum actually beat me the first game.

AH drops the others home and leaves.  Master 8 starts saying he wants one-on-one with me on Fridays and wants to call Daddy about it – I let him know we can’t do that as Daddy needs his time, but he insists on ringing.  Not sure where that conversation went but Master 8 ended up in tears on the phone – caught the tailend and AH told Master 8 to think about if he wants Thurs and Fri with me, and let him know tomorrow what he wants to do.  I only hope he doesn’t think I’ve sown any seeds about this.

Clearly, he thinks I did as get an email at 19:52 re “adult conversations”.  The two kids spoke about going up to my parents’ for Christmas and that I had said we would be up there this year and AH wouldn’t be happy.  He mentions Master 10’s therapist saying not to have adult conversations in front of the kids.

It is unlikely you will get that approval. You told the mediator that you wanted fairness, how is that fair and why do you think it is fair that the children spend both Easter and  Christmas without me?

God – it was such a nothing of a conversation that I didn’t even think about it until he mentioned it.  The kids instigated it and it went along the lines of my saying I’d like it to be at my parents’ as we didn’t go last year, but that AH would want to spend it with uncle; so it’s something that we need to discuss.  Hardly an adult conversation (unless of course it was a typical adult conversation with AH … as there was no definitive conclusion ;)!).  I ask when he might be able to have an adult conversation.

Along with:  “Can we meet up to get things back on track.  This isn’t helping anyone”.  I have no doubt he will not be mature enough to do this.

Positives:

  1. how quickly Master 8 picked up, and enjoyed, backgammon;
  2. being organised enough to get the slow-cooker on before school; being mindful enough to recall I’d put it on high and dash home to put it on the low-down before it was too late;
  3. Master 10 being wonderfully helpful again pre-school;
  4. tonight’s sunset!  An absolute stunner.

Back into school mode

EEK!  Woke up 20 minutes after the time I really need to get out of bed to get out of the door without too much panic.  Not a great start to term 3.

Boys are already awake so ask them to start getting on with breakfast while I shower.  And, holy hell, did they start getting on?!  They were phenomenal.  Master 10’s job is to set up the Weetbix (chopping fruit to go in it) and he does this, along with putting the clean dishes away, starting to fill the lunchboxes, filling water bottles, and anything he can to help.  Master 8 gets on board and is doing his best to help out over and above his expected jobs – makes his bed and then Miss 5’s bed … and even tidies up her floor.  They’re amazing!  Miss 5 sees what they’re doing and gets on with doing her basic jobs (obviously, hair takes time!).  I feel as though I’ve got MY kids back and the walk to school is pleasurable, rather than a time to calm down from the morning stresses.

It’s nice to be back to school as I’m hanging out the washing by 9:10.  Meant to be my day to clean the house but have been invited to meet another local mum who’s going through a nasty separation for morning tea.  What an amazing woman she is!  Her ex is going out of his $200k/annum way to make life as desperate as possible for her.  She’s a year further down on the path (and unfortunately there’s another woman involved), but she seems in as good a place as she can be – despite the shite he’s throwing at her.  She’s able to laugh things off.  It’s still not easy as he fights her for everything and there’s no moral accountability on his part; but she seems to deal with it well.  Thought I’d be there for a couple of ours … left almost 4 hours later :).  Got some good advice, book title suggestions and a vital tip regarding ‘alienation’, which I’ll need to remember to keep me safe from him.

Had arranged to pop in and see another friend after school so do that with the kids.  AH hadn’t let me know what time he was coming so got back for 5 pm as this is sort-of the time he’s turning up now that dinner’s not on the table for him, but had missed him.  Master 10 calls him and asks him to come back so he borrows bro’s car and does that.  Master 8 asks if he can come through the house and I ask ‘for what purpose’ (I really don’t want him in my space at the moment as I’m still feeling miffed that he said I knowingly let him take my kids into a P-house!  I’m also not pleased that the kids told me today that Sputnik had been left alone with the kids while AH and bro went to the dump, and apparently at another occasion when the boys went to the shops.  To see him now, when I’ve just been told that my saying that she was not to left alone with the kids back on 23/05 has been overridden, would’ve been asking for trouble).   Boys are keen to play soccer and I asked if he’d get them back in half-an-hour.  He says he’s not taking them away so goes out the back and kicks the ball a bit for 5 minutes before leaving.

I dropped the bags of linen to the bro’s place earlier today as it was taking up room here.  Surprised that Sputnik was on the couch watching kids movies.  Knocked on the door rather than dumping and running and she looked at me with venom.  I no doubt mirrored the same look.  There’s no love lost between us two!  She’s sick and my only concern is that she doesn’t pass something on to my kids when they come at the end of the week.  Nothing since from AH to say ‘thanks’.

Positives:

  1. How incredible all three kids were this morning!  Helpful and so loving.  It was beautiful;
  2. speaking with T today –  insightful;
  3. kids going back to school and not hearing any fighting – peaceful 🙂

Still dealing with repercussions!

Am so saddened with the way yesterday went once I got them dropped home.  It was awful to get back three kids who, through no fault of my own, were miserable!  I’m sick of sending them to him well-rested, well-fed and happy, and getting back overtired, hateful and sad.  But I know there’s nothing I can say or do about what he does with them on his time.  If he chooses not to feed them dinner until 8 pm or lunch until 2 pm; if he doesn’t give them any fruit for their whole stay; if they get to play M-rated XBox games (Call of Duty); if he sends them by themselves to the park and says “don’t come back for at least half-an-hour”; if he shoves them in front of a tablet or screen for hours … there’s NOT A DAMN THING I can do about it.  It’s wrong.  It’s appalling parenting.  It’s abhorent to me.

I am struggling to stop myself applying for full custody.  I know he’s not providing them with the consistency and adequate care they need and deserve!  BUT I know it will hurt the kids more to fight for their rights.  I hate this position I find myself in:  do what’s right as a mother; or do what’s going to keep my kids happy.  It has to be the latter.  I hope they don’t hate me in future for that choice.  And I hope it doesn’t screw them up right now.

Have Miss 5 and Master 8 in my bed for the night so not the most fanciful of sleeps.  It doesn’t take long before, once all three are parked in front of the tele in the morning, the fighting/whinging starts.  I finished yesterday with that crap and I’m not in the mood for it now so send them all outside to get some fresh air and hopefully an attitude change too.  They seem to improve.

Had a call from an old friend so shed some tears.  Have had a few tell me that I need to do what I love doing … and I’m struggling to think of what that is.  I’ve spent the past ten years doing everything for my kids.  Prior to that, work was a means to getting money to go out.  It’s sad to be 44 and not know what I love doing!

Master 10 wants to speak to Daddy so calls him.  Miss 5 wants to speak to Sputnik and uncle as well, and all three ask what we’re doing today.  I get the phone at the end to let him know someone had put on FB 2 single beds and mattresses for free just down the road from him, in case he doesn’t get the stuff back from the P-house.  He says he doesn’t have storage for them until he finds a place (and though I suggest a few options, he shoots them all down), so I let him know I’ve done what I need to do by telling him, and at least get a thank you.

Ask about the place he checked out down our road and he hadn’t heard anything from the owner but didn’t want it anyway (didn’t get a good feeling and thought it might have been damp).  I tell him that’s good as there were loud vocal arguments coming out of there at times when I passed.  He asks if he can come see them this afternoon and I say no.  I say I don’t get to see them on Fridays and enjoy not having to see him today.  He offers to meet up on a Friday but I say no.  I want a day without him.

I point out that yesterday was awful, having to deal with three miserable kids [couldn’t believe that he said it wasn’t good for him either!  WTH?!!], and that if one wants to come home and the other two didn’t, why not let that one?  He goes straight on the attack and says why did I send the kids back when they’d come down when he was housesitting eight doors down – but I say that was about him taking the easy route, not the kids.  He fires up immediately.  I wasn’t going to get in a debate about that so say this isn’t about the past; it’s about moving forward.  He clearly doesn’t give a toss that it had been an awful night for me, and holds no accountability for it.  I say suggesting to put that person in a room isn’t the right action either.  He reckons the boys are using this as a manipulation tool and he’s tired of hearing it … which makes me wonder how many times they’ve said they want to come back here.  Appreciate he doesn’t like hearing it but think he eventually comes on board with the concept that, if he lets me know first so that we can be sure I’m home, he’ll drop that child back.  I say that they might actually realise they’re missing out and not want to do it again.  Hopefully he can see through his red rage that I’m not doing anything here to hurt him.

Lovely walk with the bairns in QE Park.  Sun’s out and wind’s a little brisk but we need to blow some cobwebs away.  At one stage, get them all to stop close to the ocean let out all-encompassing ‘ROARS’.  They need to grab any anger, grief, hurt, sadness from right down in their bellies and throw them vocally out to the ocean so that the tide takes those feelings away.  Head to the shops afterwards to get supplies for lunchboxes as it’s all on tomorrow.  School’s back.  Yay!  But no more sleep-in’s.  Boooo!

Kids call him to say goodnight.  Master 8 asks if he should put me on but I say “I don’t need to speak” … he feeds this back at “Mama doesn’t want to speak” … so no doubt that will go down really, really badly.  Oh well, I can’t do anything about his reaction to anything I say.  Only he can.

But he won’t.

Positives:

  1. Miss 5 actually making me laugh today.  And when she realised it was appreciated, she did it again and again;
  2. not reacting to AH’s nastiness in the call this morning;
  3. the holidays are over.  Hate the thought of early mornings but not hearing the boys fight will be priceless! 🙂

3 days of pent-up blogging ..

Been a busy few days so haven’t posted.  And not coz things weren’t going on, that’s for sure!

Wednesday (ie the day after the test results are in) and AH emails.  He’s been released from the tenancy.  He asks (yes, ASKS, which is nice!) if he can bring the kids back here for his nights for three weeks, until he can housesit at his mate’s place for three weeks after that (unless of course he finds another rental, but there’s not much out there).  Not sure I liked his comment “will you be part of the process?”.  Odd choice of words, I thought.

I try to keep my response light and free of any hint of anger.  One of the memes I now have on my wardrobe door is “hurt people hurt people” and to treat contempt with compassion, etc.  I want to go forward with that in mind.

“Thanks for asking if I can have the kids here Thurs and Fri.  I do want to help as I feel sorryfor the situation you find yourself in (bet that wasn’t forecast when the three of you made plans 3 months ago 😯).
There’s two issues I find making this a quandry for me:
  1. those are the only two nights that I can make plans to do something for myself so I would lose that freedom;
  2. I feel that the vitally important thing that I’ve asked for has been used as a pawn in a spiteful game and I’ve not been given what was promised, yet I’m expected to compromise”.

I presume he hasn’t suggested staying at the bro’s to not inconvenience them.  The kids have said how cold the lounge is so I offer a heater from here that they could use.  If that doesn’t suit, I say I’d have the kids here but already have plans for some of those nights and that he would need to bring something to the table re #2 above – making it clear that I’m not using it as bargaining or leverage; just that if I’m doing something good, he needs to too.

He lets me know the place is going to be handed over to Envirocheck for full decontamination and he’s waiting to hear what will happen with the linen, etc (as he’s been told to leave everything there.  There’s a chance it will all just need to be binned).  He asks if I was gloating with my forecasting comment [jumping straight to a negative conclusion again], that he needs more elaborating on point #2 as “he’s not sure what he’s withheld anymore” [of course he’s not as he’s withheld so much stuff, I can completely understand his confusion], that he’ll take the heater [no mention of kids though] and that he’d come pick up kids at 09:30.  All very blunt statements.  There ain’t no love lost, that’s for sure.

I’m at a sleepover with the kids.  Get them to make sure my response reads ok before sending and all agree that it’s fine.  Can’t obviously stop AH reading negativity into it.  I call him after a few beers to see if I could ring my brother to see if Master 10 can come for a visit.  He needs some time away from his siblings, and my brother and his wife would probably enjoy the distraction too.  He doesn’t make it an easy conversation and seems to be trying to be difficult.  It’s eventually conditional on my checking that he can fly unaccompanied.

I’ve emailed him and he needs to read it as it concerns, inter alia, the changeover time tomorrow.  He asks what time that will be but I want him to read the entire email so say he’ll find out when he checks his email.

Email from him first thing Thursday morning asking if he can take the kids’ duvets.  I’ve asked him to find out from Envirocheck when we’ll know whether the linen is contaminated.  He hasn’t answered.  I’ve asked for a copy of the test results.  He hasn’t answered.  It’s not right that I’m supposed to constantly give him stuff, when he gives nothing back when I ask.

I put a call out on Facebook asking any locals if they have some spare duvets/sleeping bags and get a wonderful amount donated (I also put in reference to his ‘making his first independent decision and moving the kids to a place contaminated with P’, but I’m tired of looking to be the baddie while no-one seems to know what he’s done to cause this entire situation).  I text him to let him know that there’s a bag of stuff to be collected on his way to the doctors (apparently meth can aggravate eczema and Miss 5’s skin has been worse of late).  He’s pissed that I won’t let him take the duvets from here and I explain that I’d rather not have to strip the beds and remake them every Thursday/Saturday (and it would be me doing all the work, not him) and that it would be easier for everyone.  He tells me to “don’t bother, I will sort them!” along with a dig that I know it’s for the kids to sleep under, not him.

I call him – of course I knew it was for the kids and that was why I’d sorted it.   His voice is raised and accusations start to fly so I blurt out he’s the one who moved them into a P-house.  He hangs up.

p 1  p 2  p 3

I call to say goodnight to the kids and speak with him too to let him know how much linen I was given and it would be silly not to take it.  He swallows that arrogant pride and relents.

We also discuss that he hasn’t paid the money he said he’d pay to cover the mortgage so that we’ll forfeit on tomorrow’s payment.  I don’t get child support until 7 September and don’t have enough to pay the floating interest AND the fixed.  He spurts forth venomously about my wages, Working For Families and the money I get from Work & Income (he has never actually taken the time to ASK me how I’m surviving/how much I’m getting) so I let him know I get nothing from WINZ (although have an appointment tomorrow to see if I can get accommodation supplement, but likely as we’ve got equity in the place in London).  Amazingly he uses this time to again say he just wants his money from this place and his half of what’s here.  Complains that he’s not got all his CDs (I can’t keep telling him the custody side of things are the priority; not relationship property) then tells me I need to ask my father for the money.  So he’s not paying any rent for the moment and will no doubt go three-ways on food bills so money is not tight for him.

I need to get this spousal maintenance claim in.  As he clearly feels no moral grounds to contribute more than IRD are taking.  The child support payment won’t even cover the mortgage payments, let alone any other bills.  It is a mere quarter of his net wage.

Someone has recited to him the post I put on FB so he’s fuming.  I get a comment “well go and complain on Facebook then”, I say I could’ve said much worse on there but haven’t.  Again, I’m hung up on.

Go see a friend as I’m in need of a wine while I digest all this crap.  Come home and have an anxiety attack about whether I am actually at blame for this P-house.  I’m devastated to think that I might have put my kids at risk.  But, no matter what way I look at it, I did NOT know that P- was used in that house, and my affidavit to court will say that.  Definitely mentioned as a tinny house once AH had signed the lease, and one person made a P-comment, that I let him know about as soon as he moved in.  As soon as it was confirmed that she was a user, I got him to test the place.  I’m not deserving of any blame.  Try to ring the Samaritans as I’m needing to vent and to get someone impartial shed some light and get some advice to help let it go.  Amazingly, the voicemail message is that the lines are busy and to try later.  Jeez!  Thankfully I wasn’t someone in real trouble.

Meeting on Friday with WINZ and, yup, it’s confirmed I won’t get anything from them until we sell London.  Which is a shame coz, once London sells, I hope we won’t have a need to get the supplement.

p 5He comes to the house before I go to work to get Master 10’s soccer boot and the tablet.  Having already asked him by text when his brother is going to check the meth checks they put through on their clients and been ignored,  I ask him while he waits by the car if it’s going to be done.  He just shrugs then pulls the crosseyed, scrunched nose, tongue out look.  Despite the predicament we find ourselves in now, he’s not prepared to make a call to ensure the same problem won’t be an issue.  It’s a stubborn, controlling, naive play.  I tell him to “grow up” and that he’s an “embarrassment”.

A quick squizz in the yellow pages and I ring the agents myself.  There’s no test or form they get their clients to complete.  Great!  Great, who’s to be certain of anything nowdays!?

I got to a friend’s place after work and have a good chinwag with her.  She’s two years down the separation path so it’s great to get her take on things.  It’s lovely having the ear of someone who’s been through it.  Coz you can’t possibly know the feelings that are stirred up, unless you’ve been through it yourself.  She also lives in the back townhouse of where AH moved into so is trepidatious about that.  She’s been there two years with her kids so hopefully it hasn’t travelled airborne.  Great fun then home.  Lovely and warm in the lounge so pull out a sheet, blanket and pillow and crash in there.  With the cat.

As both boys are playing football at the same venue and AH hasn’t bothered to tell me he’s getting me, I’m in for a sleep-in.  Yay!  Need that.  They still turn up here at 8 am to get Master 10’s socks.  No water bottles for the boys.  Noice!

I get a text from him at 14:12 saying kids just finished a late lunch so probably won’t need a big dinner.  Lunch at 2 pm isn’t good parenting but glad I’d not bothered to start a flash swanky meal started.  Pies it is!

The car drives up at 16:30, half an hour early.  Master 8 comes in in tears.  He didn’t want to stay at daddy’s and never wants to go back there.  Miss 5 and Master 10 then come in, in tears as well with their fingers pointed angrily at Master 8 saying it’s all his fault.  They wanted to have their remaining half hour but AH said no.

Sit and cuddle with Master 8 then try and work out what’s gone on.  After football, they went back to uncles.  Went out for a kebab lunch (coz AH is flush with cash, he probably never needs to cook again!), then went and pick up 8 bottles of Krombacher beer (4 for him; 4 for uncle).  They went back to the uncles and played on tablets.  All three of them.  Master 8 felt aggrieved as he didn’t get long on uncle’s tablet, although, as I understood it, all three had had the same amount of time.  He wanted to come back; the other two didn’t but AH threw them in the car and brought them back.  No call to say it was happening/check if I was home.

I don’t think it’s fair AH made them all come back and didn’t just bring Master 8 back.  Master 10 rings him as he’s still upset and says he wants to see him tomorrow and maybe come and play some football.  Bloody ridiculous!  He hardly plays footie with the boys when he’s here and doesn’t seem to do much of it on his watch, yet he’s asked to come and do it on my watch.  Sunday is my day without seeing him so not happy.  Miss 5 is still crying when she talks.  Master 8 doesn’t want to talk to him.

Sit down with all three and playing Monopoly as we need to be a team.  Good fun until they start going OTT crazy – that never ends well.  Watch Garfield movie.  Master 8 has calmed and wants to say goodnight to AH so he calls.  The other two speak as well and it’s mentioned about him coming around tomorrow but he’s told by Miss 5 and Master 10 “he’s not allowed” – not my exact words but, no, I enjoy not seeing him.

AH says he didn’t handle it properly earlier (no shit, Einstein) and that if it happens again, he’ll just put Master 8 into a room by himself and the others can go out and play.  Still not an ideal scenario – why can’t that person be brought back if they’re desperately ask to be??!!

Miss 5 then starts melting down when I say she’s off to bed at the next ads – I’m getting a lot of “I DON’T CARE” mouthiness from her and take it back to the day when AH used just those words loudly in front of her when we discussed the first rental.  Lie with her for a bit to make sure she’s ok.  She still holds onto the hope that AH and I will get back together.  Sorry honey, but there’s no chance!

Boys finish the movie then head to bed.  Quick chat with them trying to work out why there’s so much fighting and tears.  Feel that AH is putting the 5-day message in their heads as that’s brought up again by Master 10.  I say we need to get those sleepovers happening once AH is in his place.  I hear he’s looked at a place on this road and think he might have taken it.  Nice to have them closer to home but still not convinced it’s a safe place.  Occassionally go past and hear loud fighting and photos on TradeMe look damp.  Wonder what background checks he’s done on it.  If any.

Ring my brother and he’s agreeable to Master 10 going up and spending some time with them.  They’re moving into a 2-bed apartment in town and will look to rent out their home.  Being there still hurts them too much.  He’s still broken and that’s heartbreaking to hear.

Positives:

  1. getting a sleep-in;
  2. Not much else.  Getting those three kids back in sad moods is awful.  I don’t send them to him like that, it’s unjust for him to not do the same.