Day 4 of sunshine ..

.. and it’s another great day.  AH drops Miss 5 back at 7.30 am:  I’ve just opened my eyes as the boys have quietly plonked themselves in front of the tele.  It’s holidays after all.  Miss 5 hasn’t had breakfast (they’re meant to come back fed, but apparently they woke up late).

Drop Master 9 off for his play, then pick up Miss 5’s mate.  Master 10’s mate gets dropped off and the foursome worked great: both boys entertained the girls without causing any stress.  Had Master 9 been in the mix, it wouldn’t have worked so well.

Baked a lemon loaf then used ingredients that the neighbour had dropped off to make a bacon and egg pie, before getting lunch sorted for the kids.  Finally got out the door to go to Levin adventure park – only an hour later than planned.  Kids had a great time.  It was 17ºC at 4 pm coming back so summer is definitely near.

Drop Master 10’s friend to his home then back to ours for a bit of a chill.  Had to go to AH’s to pick up the stepladder he took (if my mum does come, windows need a clean :)).  Ask him what time he’ll get the kids tomorrow (8.30) and where Master 9 should be dropped off, as he’s been invited to stay the night.  Amazed that AH has arranged for the 3 kids to go to Craft Garden tomorrow … I mean, Miss 5 will love it, but Masters 9 and 10 have a fair bit of testosterone and to expect them to do CRAFT for 6 hours is ridiculous.  Master 10 tells him he doesn’t want to go, but is told AH has paid for it so he’s going.  Master 10 looks to me for support, but I can’t give it to him – it’s Daddy’s day/choice.  Ask what’s planned for Friday and am flabbergasted … his colleague (the partner of my two-faced Friday buddy) is taking the day off to be with his kids so AH is planning on giving him my 3 as well.  WHAT. THE. HELL!!!

This guy’s kids aren’t the most pleasant.  They allow their boy way too much time on the Xbox and his iPad – playing age-inappropriate games.  The daughter is mostly lovely but when she loses her rag, she loses it real good.  Hardly the daddy-day-care I want for my kids.

I ask whether AH’s taking any time off to look after the kids these holidays and he doesn’t know if he can.  I think he was relying on my going off to Taupo (he claimed he wasn’t aware that I wasn’t – but his colleague wouldn’t have kept that quiet).

It’s sitting really uncomfortably that this is what AH thinks constitutes holiday care.  His own thoughts on this colleague and his partner’s parenting are that it’s lacking.  AH was ready to punch this colleague last year as they weren’t getting on well at work and he felt this colleague was selling him down the river.  AH was happy, when we signed Master 10 up to soccer at the start of winter, to put him up a grade to avoid having this colleague as his coach/playing in the same team as his son.  What a difference a separation and desperation makes!

Positives:

  1. a successful 5-hour playdate for 4;
  2. being given 6 free movie passes by the expressway builders which sorts out my Tuesday next week; and
  3. sitting down at the end of a busy day …. aaaaahhhhhhh!
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Breathing easier

Third day of sunshine and it really lightens the mood … although that could do with having less to do with AH.

Kids go to a holiday programme for the first time today.  Miss 5 was a bit anxious but saw one of her school friends there so let me leave.  Boys were both ecstatic as their ‘idol’ was there … he’s a little shite (the offspring of AH’s colleague and my vindictive Friday drinking ‘buddy’) and I really wish they’d see him for the disrespectful, bully he is.  He plays GTA (the one where you go off into a dark room with a prostitute apparently) and I wonder if he’s spoken about that with my boys which has sown the ‘naked ladies’ idea … not that I’m blaming him for my kids’ decision to search online for it or excusing their behaviour.

Good day at work – even if a third of it has gone to pay for the holiday programme.  Text AH to ensure he knows he’s to pick up Miss 5 for her 1-on-1 at 4.30.  ‘Tis all understood!

He arrives on time and off they go – she insists on walking, which he can’t be happy with.  Day of playdates planned tomorrow so busy, busy, busy!

Positives:

  1. these beautiful sunny days we’re having!  I LOVE summer!;
  2. Empire being back on – “game time bitches”;
  3. that the kids have enjoyed their holiday programme.  I don’t want them to do it often, but it’s good they’re balanced enough to deal with it when needed; and
  4. a special extra one: speaking with my parents who are looking to come down for Miss 5’s birthday.  Master 9 in particular has cried twice now about missing Poppa so they’ll all love the surprise, if it comes off!

The learning continues

So much for a daily blog – almost a week since last writing.  On the upside, there’s not been much that needs recording which has to be a good thing.

AH questions during Thursday Miss 5’s party plans (she has a busier social life than me) – despite having the invitations for the parties on his time at his house, he seems to be losing track.  I’m buying presents for the kids whose parties are on my time, but leaving it up to him to get for the remainder.  Might sound mean, but he wants shared care – this is part of it.

Surprised to see $50 paid to the doctor from the cheque account (now that I pay all the bills relating to this home, he has no reason to be taking money from this account AT ALL).  Point it out to him there won’t be enough money to pay the mortgage and let him know it’ll need reimbursement; thankfully he reckons he just pushed the wrong account button … not that he’s trying to clear me out.  Haha.  Wouldn’t get far if he did that 🙂

Call to say goodnight to the boys (as Miss 5 at a party).  The brother is STILL not there; given it’s a Friday, this is curious!  Wonder if AH’s dad has fed back something from our conversations?!

Walk round on Saturday to pick up Master 9 for his 1-on-1.  Doesn’t sound like they’ve done much all day (did go to the brother’s and did some cleaning there, apparently!).  He’s happy and chatty as; looking forward to me doing personalised MatchAttax cards online.

AH calls at about 6 pm.  Speaks to Master 9, who seems rattled when he hangs up.  Phone rings again and Master 9 refuses to pick up.  Twice.  Ask what’s going on.  Seems Masters 10 and 9 decided to search online: ‘naked ladies having sex’.  These little shites have done it before and got a heck of a talking to .. so disappointed they’re doing it again.   What’s worse is that Master 10 is saying it was Master 9’s idea … and vice versa!  With them not being in the same house, it’s impossible to establish the truth.  But this doesn’t stop AH telling Master 9 (who he clearly doesn’t believe [for good reason as he’s usually the one who’s crying ‘wolf’)] he’s going to delete all their games and they’ll be never going on the tablet again.  Yeah right!  What would they do on his time if they couldn’t use screen?!

Master 9 says he doesn’t want to go to Daddy’s anymore.  But he surprises me now when he speaks up to AH: “If you delete my games, I won’t ever come to your place”.  Wow!  The boy’s got balls 😉

AH texts to ask if Master 9 has spoken to me and how do I want to deal with it.  On your tablet on your time, they searched for porn, clicked on videos and saw images that came up … and I need to be the one to say how I am going to deal with it!???  

Considering I was so “controlling” for all these years, that strikes me as odd.

Master 9 climbs to sleep in my bed.  I check my tablet … and ooh crap … same search has been done.  Thankfully, there’s filters in place that no sites/images came up.  I’m not happy though.  He’s lied to me as he’s the only person in the house who’d been on that tablet today.  He’s sent packing to his bed!

I text AH at 08:13 on Sunday asking if he’s forgotten about daylight saving (clocks have gone forward so he’s now late).  He finally turns up at 08:30.  I thought he’d speak with the boys to get to the bottom of last night’s episode but he doesn’t.  Miss 5’s on a sleepover so I get her then head off to Mitre10 – am going to get the vegie garden sorted.  It fell to AH to do it before (although his attention span didn’t last long and it’s been a home for weeds for a long time).  Just another thing I’m going to learn!

Miss 5 is FOUL.  Late night from her sleepover, but she tells me: “you can blame Daddy for keeping me up late”.  Defended him but had to snigger to myself.

Anyway, my strawberry patch is finished today.  Fingers crossed it comes to […wait for it…] FRUITION! haha.

Positives:

  1. scoring trampoline to replace the two the wind destroyed (just needs my builder to do a welding job, but cheaper than insurance excess);
  2. surviving ‘family dinner’, including putting forward three dates where I will need him to either swap nights or let me take the kids away for his days); and
  3. getting down and dirty with Mother Nature!

Left out in the cold

Winter is coming!  [sorry, Game of Thrones is on so couldn’t resist].

Today, it became very clear what happens to mutual friends in a separation.  It’s an episode of Project Runway .. “one day you’re in, and the next, you’re out”.  And you realise that, as much as you can see that it’s for the best, it still smarts!

Master 9 had a mate over for a play.  His mum comes to pick him up (she’s the hostess-with-the-mostess who has us at hers for Friday sanity!).  Lets me know something verrrry interesting …

(a)  the social group AH and I were part of are arranging New Years at a beach an hour away (we did it 4 years or so back – it wasn’t amazing).  AH has been invited.  I haven’t;

(b)  the other core member of Friday social (whose partner works with AH) made a pointed trip to another attendee’s house to “warn” her about me.  AH has been using his colleague/her partner as a sounding board.  I’ve made a concerted effort NOT to involve her.  And now, she’s gone to #4’s place to try and sway her to HIS side.  WTF!!?  Thankfully, #4 could see through it and can make up her own mind;

(c)  same core member has arranged weekly ‘walks’ with Miss 5’s teacher.  This comes after Miss 5’s teacher came to our Friday sesh, and we got on great.

I’m disgusted at her behaviour.  She’s been invited to the New Year’s thing and I don’t feel any loss about that.  But to purposefully get herself involved in turning others against me … what the hell is that about?  She’s only having her partner telling her AH’s version of events – again, I have no issue with that.  But a true friend would let the other know what was being said.

A true friend would definitely do this!  reasons  And she hasn’t.

I’m also told that another mutual ‘friend’ was feeding her things I was posting on FB, which made this [vindictive, deceitful bitch] actually start checking her FB to see what I was saying.  I’ve looked and only one post in the past 6 months points decidedly to AH.  So it’s not like there’s much there!  I’d already distrusted this person sufficiently to put her on my acquaintance list a few months back, but now I can add another gossip to that list.  You have an issue .. come ask me about it!

Thankfully, the friend whose told me this (whilst probably shouldn’t have told me as it’s only going to end badly, as I’m not someone who can let disloyalty go) can see through this person.  I really have to put that circle to one side, and find another one that better suits my needs!  And LOYALTY and HONESTY are paramount.

And feelings to one side – here’s the reality of the past 24-hours.

Lovely night with Master 9 and Miss 5.  They’re kind and caring towards each other; even sitting on the floor giving each other cuddles.  Not a fight to be had.  Even if I did end up with both of them in my bed.

AH drops Master 10 back at 07:13!!  Pretty sure we said in mediation it was to be between 07:30-07:45 … and surely he’d want as much time as possible with his kids.  Wouldn’t he?

Recycling day.  Not a bad effort from the bro …20150923_090256

and from AH ….20150923_085632

Master 10 is being an utter bully to Master 9.  He didn’t realise I was watching as he took out Master 9 with a knee to the leg in a game of backyard football.  Consequence: he ate his dinner after we’d all finished.  He still pushed boundaries after dinner when I said he could have fruit … and he helped himself to yoghurt.

So we chat this evening after our reading.  I’m told I’m stricter than Daddy.  Apparently, at Daddy’s, they were play-fighting.  Master 9 hit Master 10’s head so Master 10 threw Master 9’s head into the wall.  AH’s response: “finish it or I’ll come smash both your heads” [ad verbatim from Master 10].

And I’M the harder parent!!!???

Wow!  Today is the gift that just keeps on giving!!

So turning it around, positives are:

  1. knowing who your friends are;
  2. phenomenal bacon & egg pie for dinner;
  3. Miss 5.  She’s bossy and stroppy and determined and headstrong … and sooo mature!

Concrete plans are in order

Master 10 is ‘rostered’ for 1-on-1 with AH tonight.  Swimming has now finished so the Tuesday routine has changed, in a good way!  Master 10 is meant to be going to judo (my turn to take) but I’m happy to flag it, as would have to take the younger two as well.  There’s been no contact with AH confirming plans.

Until 16:20, when he texts to say “I will get [Master 10] at 550 if that’s ok”.

Well, no.  It’s not ok.  I’m expecting him to come straight from work and pick Master 10 up.  He always turned up at 16:30 so don’t see what that should change.  He tells me, “I’m changing the goal posts”.  He’s not organised food.   I aim to feed the other two about 17:30; and can’t exactly do that in front of Master 10 (I haven’t factored him in dinner plans as, when I’ve done my 1-on-1s, dinner is part of my responsibility – and I let him know this).

He then goes onto silent mode and I hear nothing more.  Close on 5 pm, I text to try and elicit a response.  It definitely feels like I’m expected to pick up the slack – HIS slack!  Ask what time he’s coming.

Knock on door few minutes later and he’s here, smiling at the text and making childish remarks.  So I shut the door in his face and go get Master 10.  AH asks if he can use the car and Master 10 says, “no, we can walk”.  AH asks again as he needs to get food for dinner.  Master 10 again says, “no, we’ll walk”.  AH asks Master 9 if ‘Mama is the one saying no’, but it’s got nothing to do with me – and Master 10 tells AH to his face that they can walk.  NB: AH has walked past two supermarkets to get to my house.  Considering he hadn’t said what time he’d be arriving, what would 15 mins to get supplies have done?!  I tell Master 10 that AH “NEEDS” the car and it was fine with me.  He tells me he “looks forward to my canonisation”.

Coming from the wonderful catholic that he is — who broke that vow in front of priest, god, church, family and friends to ‘love me until the day he dies’.

So what is the conclusion that we can draw from today’s misunderstanding?

That every single, microscopic detail of any plan that involves both of us, must be established and put in writing.  Regrettably, it still falls to me to initiate any plan (as he never would have those thoughts [it was part of the issue between us for the past few years; that it was ALWAYS down to me to make the plans]).  Tonight could’ve been a non-event:  AH knew that Master 10 was to go to judo before his sleepover; he knew that whilst it was my turn to do judo, I’d have had to taken all three kids with; life would’ve been easier for ALL of us if he’d have turned up at the usual time, picked up the car and Master 10 and gone from there.  He ASSUMED he’d just turn up and get a nicely fed kid, as usual.

I’m not his parent.  It’s time he started taking a 50-50 role.  Six months separated today.  Let’s hope for more growth in the next six months.

Positives:

  1. Not going to swimming!
  2. making my first ever poached egg (I know, I know!  40-something and never made one.  Pathetic!  Found a Jamie Oliver gladwrap cheat that make it not so daunting);
  3. Miss 5 and Master 9 playing so nicely this evening.

Still in turmoil!

I find my thoughts still rotate questioning the lack of understanding from some supposed ‘friends’.  Their unwillingness to hear both sides of a story (and I know some have heard his side) – I get that: they don’t want to be put in the middle.  But when you’re prepared to listen to one side; surely balance is required.  And the fact they don’t care, speaks volumes.  It’s still disappointing.

Nothing much to report from the weekend.  Rung the kids on Friday about 7 pm and they were actually in bed already (didn’t exactly sound tired).  Picked up Miss 5 for her 1-on-1 on Saturday.  Had asked AH if I could use the car for an hour when I picked her up, and he was happy for me to take it with a view to walking the boys home on Sunday.  Boys dropped back 15 minutes late on Sunday but given I had the car, let it go.

Master 9 comes for snuggles in bed.  Check with him whether he’s warm enough at AH’s (there’s a fireplace).  He says not really warm enough in bed.  I’d bought him and Miss 5 woollen blankets and given them to AH for the P-house.  He dumped them when he moved out.  Notice he didn’t dump any of the stuff he’d bought!  Not best pleased to hear the kids aren’t warm enough.

Amazed to be told that Brother and Sputnik hadn’t been around the whole weekend.  Other than their anniversary, that’s never happened!!  Apparently AH and the boys had been invited to his colleague’s place .. heaven forbid, AH just spends time with his kids and no-one else.

The weather is foul – the final sting in winter’s tail, I hope.

Still waiting for AH to respond to emails about: (i) insurance [want him to either contribute towards premiums or be removed from the policies]; (ii) Miss 5’s swimming [he said he’d prefer to do Saturday, rather than alternate Thursday afternoons].  It was only 5 days ago, after all, that he was asked about these.

He’s agreed to have his name taken off the contents insurance, and as he still uses the car, I’m happy to have it in both names, provided he pays half the premium ($6.50), which he agreed to last week.  He is joint owner of the house; I would like him to pay half the premiums and stay on the policy.  He wants the latter – but refuses to pay for it.  Rather than get angry, I ask for his reasons … let’s make sure I’m not jumping to any wrong conclusions …

No need to explain,I still have an interest in the house but no access.  I am protecting that interest.

I’m calm as I point out that:

By all means protect your interest but not at my expense.  I am already financially short thanks to my offer to help you and pick up the kids on Thurs.  You know full well the child support does not cover insurances.

If you are unable or unwilling to be fair and contribute your half (equating to a bottle of wine a week, if you want to put it in perspective), I will cancel the house insurance.

He finally sees reason and agrees to pay half.  $16/fortnight!  $8/week!  Seriously!?  There needed to be THAT much discussion for $8/week!  When you earn $1,100/week!  We go for ‘family dinner’ at his this evening.  His arrogance with the insurance hasn’t exactly made this something to look forward to.  His boss is in the office so he asks for it to be 15 mins later than planned.  He has a lovely big lounge so the kids decide to play-fight.  It’s not my house so, after a couple of times of telling them to stop, leave it up to him to parent.  Find a bundle of Master 9’s shorts which I grab to bring back to mine as my stocks are non-existent (realised they wear them to his, then wear back the ugly trackpants he bought them, which I send back as they are ugly … and he still gets more shorts then next week).  I take my old woollen baby blanket for Miss 5’s bed and he tells the kids they should’ve let him know if they’re not warm enough.  He’s got a new fridge so can’t be struggling too much.  And an empty box of beer already in recycling, and it’s only Monday!

The previous tenants must’ve had cats as my asthma starts up something chronic.  I don’t think I’ve had it that bad.  It’s a wonderful excuse to get out of there after an hour of discomfort!

Positives:

  1. getting my clothesline fixed (not that it’ll be used in this weather);
  2. All Blacks winning their first game of the RWC (though Japan beating South Africa is even better!);
  3. painting Miss 5’s driftwood rainbow with her – oh that girl knows what she wants 🙂

Guts still churning …

And my thoughts still go round and round.  I cannot bring myself to embrace the idea of AH’s bro and Sputnik living in the community we chose and where our lives have been created.  The thought of them living here for good, bringing up kids here repulses me.  They are part of the reason my kids are not in this house with me tonight but in a separate house with their daddy (no, not all of the reason; but definitely culpable).

Saw this on Facebook tonight and the timing is impeccable: perception

Yesterday’s conversation keeps repeating.  My posting on FB re the meth house (and warning the community away from it) was viewed as causing shit (without knowing that I garnered information from the owner to back-up any claim AH might make); the fact they don’t care about any history really doesn’t sit well with me.

I can’t help but think, this particular friend’s hubby had an affair.  How would she feel if that girl moved within a km of her house?  Yes, I know – it’s not the same but in some ways, it is.  I’ve felt like a third wheel when the brother is around for many years so having him here does give that same feeling.  I’m not trying to be a victim but to go places and have the three of them there is bloody uncomfortable.  To hear that people are inviting them around (‘as that’s what good people do’), or using her as a babysitter, hurts.  And I don’t think this friend, or anyone else who truly put themselves in my shoes, would be as accepting as they tell me I should be!

The more I think about it, the more I feel it’s right to leave that group behind.  If they’re not prepared to see two sides of the story; if they’re able to say in one breath “I’m not going to get involved”, yet not see that purposefully introducing them and bringing them closer into ‘my’ community is doing just that … then they’re not the people for me.

AH is taking an exceptionally long time to reply to emails so I text him to make sure he’s got the present for Miss 5’s party next Friday, and to firm up what day we’re doing her birthday treat (as it was discussed but, in our usual fashion, not made concrete).  I’m still waiting to hear a response to my email asking for reimbursement for half the UK postage costs and checking what to do about Master 10’s camp fees that are due on Monday.  There’s other questions but they’re ignored.  It’s frustrating as hell, but control so I’ll not bite 🙂

The kids, especially Master 10, seem quiet.  I’m tired of the bickering so happy to say goodbye to them once AH arrives at 16:55 to collect them.  Watch the end of Boyhood (not as good as I thought it would be) and the Grand Budapest Hotel (good) and about to hit the hay – with a bit of self-help reading to see if I can get this ‘acceptance’ malarkey down-pat!

Day’s positives:

  1. finishing the “get along jar”;
  2. pie!
  3. movies on a Thursday.  What a treat!