There goes ‘my’ time

I said I’ll sleep til 9 and I did :).  Unfortunately, was also awake at 5 am for an hour … but glad I managed to drop off again.

Lovely lazy morning.  The garden is calling but I’m pressing mute.  It’s the only day I really can be a slob .. so why not?

Text AH to see what time Miss 6’s party finishes today as I could get here as I’d be out and about.  Don’t bother with niceities (such as “hi”) as I see no decency from him.  Get a “Goooooood morning ??” back.  His smarmy, yarpie arrogance.  I know I should be the better person but I’m tired of him taking things back to a dark, nasty place; then it’s me who tries to get it back on track for the kids’ sake.  He won’t apologise but I can’t let it go so quick.  If I was me who’d caused the hurt, he wouldn’t be letting it go so fast either.

Pick up Miss 6 from her party – surprised to see Master 9 is there too, expecting for me to drop him back to AH’s.  Again, simple communication would’ve been nice: “Master 9 has been invited to stay at the party; are you able to drop him home when you pick up Miss 6 please” … you know, something along those lines.  But, no. Must lower the expectations!

Miss 6 chooses tonight’s DVD, drop Master 9 on the way back – surprised that AH was driving out as we got there.  No message from him saying where he was going so good thing we turned up when we did.

Hear that AH played soccer last night then they went back to teammates house.  Kids (who’d had bought fish & chips for tea on Thursday) got sausage sizzle for dinner last night then something back at the mate’s house “quite late”.  Quality nutrition right there 🙂

He left them with Sputnik this morning so he could go to counselling – taking her to pick up her car from the train station which she’d left there yesterday.  Hmmmm .. only reason she’d have left it there was she was over the limit.  Funny that AH claimed she doesn’t drink anymore when I brought up my concerns about her alcoholism at mediation.

Miss 6 is fantastic all evening.  Although her choice in movie leaves a lot to be desired.  Barbie Princess Power .. groan!

Positives:

  1. getting a large chunk of the bark that AH left into bags for mulching;
  2. What We Did in the Shadows on normal tele – quality Kiwi movie;
  3. Miss 6, despite a late night last night, being so damn cute!

Sold a piece of me :(

I shouldn’t gloat .. but I slept in ’til 9 am!!  I’m going to do it again tomorrow too 🙂

Yes, I woke at 4 am, missing them; but … I …got … a … sleep-in!

Down to school to parent help in Miss 6’s class then into my garden.  Tidying up the bit I weeded the other day, put in a blueberry bush and shoved some mulch around.  I have NEVER been interested in gardening before but I’m loving it.  Getting down with Mother Nature.  I really hope I get some produce out of it as imagine it would be disheartening to put so much effort in and get no return.  Haha – not unlike a marriage!

Good thing Miss 6 reminded me that I was picking them up as I’d forgotten … my bad!  Think I’ll get them to walk themselves home next week – they need to take on more responsibility and will learn a lot from it.

On the way home, Master 10 tells me he smashed his phone screen at AH’s netball last night.  Yay!  Despite him saying he’d pull out, he played (told the kids they were short on numbers and ensured the message was implanted that “it wasn’t 8 o’clock when we went home”).  School night.  And been raining all day and there’s flooding in the area.  But that’s ok … let’s take them out in the cold so HE can spend time with HIS peers.

Texted him this afternoon re payment for picking up his slack.  Said I believed $100 was reasonable for two afternoons childcare and an early morning; that would cover washing the uniforms on a Friday as it was pointless that they took them to his, just to bring them back again on Sunday (more often than not, they’re still damp so I have to hang them again anyway).

Prick said ‘include dinner on Thurs and Fri and I’ll have a deal’.  Am sure he’s kidding – that will leave him NOT picking up the kids ANY school day, only feeding them ONE dinner a week, and NO uniforms to wash.  Say ‘no’ as I enjoy not having to cook twice a week and I ‘am already doing most of his solo dad duties’.  He asks if I’ll do breakfast on that 06:50 drop morning.  I know he’s baiting.  I’m not biting.  Tell him it’ll be $110 to include breakfast.

He eventually agrees – at the end of the day, he’s getting a bargain so he’d be a fool not to.  That money will come in handy to get things fixed around the house so we all win.

Yet I still feel as though it’s a piss-take.  I’m now his paid staff.  I want to do the best for my kids (and going to after-school programmes is not it), but I’m his bitch!  Should’ve asked for more 🙂

Positives:

  1. sunshine and spending time in the garden (beetroot and red cabbage in);
  2. booking Danny Bhoy tickets …. mmmm!;
  3. Miss 6 wanting to help me in the garden.  Love my little shadow 🙂

Communication is key!

And I keep waiting for him to get on board with that!

No word from him since I sent my reply last night to his suggestion of dropping the kids at mine at 6:50 am tomorrow (ie that the kids aren’t usually even awake at that time, and that the preference for me and the kids is that I get them from school; there’s never been a mention that their day will start unreasonably early to pacify his selfishness).  At 2 pm, I email asking what’s happening tomorrow … and indeed, today, as he hasn’t even let me know that!

I intend to get the 4.15 train tonight.  I will drop children at school tomorrow morning 8.30 and get train in. I will aim to get the 4.15 train again.
I would be grateful if you could get them from school and I will collect them from yours once off the train.
Thank you for your help.

At what stage can I bring up my fee for “helping” him, as he was the one who offered to cover the salary I’d be losing .. yet it’s never been mentioned again?  If it’s not me, he’ll need to rely on the other mums being sympathetic .. or pay for after-school care.  Two afternoons and one morning … $100.  Think it’s a bargain!

He arrives at 17:35.  Master 9 is losing his rag and will need an early night.  Miss 6 is stunning as I make her Supergirl flying through the air (with my legs as trajectory).  Master 10 is up for pushing buttons.  I’m [and I know I shouldn’t say it] looking forward to having some time to me … just me!!!

Young Canadian, despite being the one doing all the leg-work, has gone quiet.  Older FB is in contact.  I’m just happy with a bottle of wine, listening to the howling wind.  Men only cause mind-chatter, insecurity and hassle! 🙂

Positives:

  1. boss is going on a roadtrip tomoro so I’m having a day’s holiday – yay!  Getting paid to clean up my house;
  2. despite the foul weather, got some bark mulch around my sweetcorn;
  3. MC Hammer blaring on the way to school.  Will now have to show the bairns the video … lol!

So it begins

The new routine.  Master 9 knocks on the door at 6:50 am.  None of us are awake in my house – I’m in the middle of a dream (and I really needed that extra sleep after the thrashing by Master 11 in the bed last night.  I’m lucky I don’t have a black eye 😛 ).  Get up and let him in.  AH is nowhere to be seen.

Agreement at mediation was that 1-on-1 kid was to be dropped back between 7.30-7.45 am.  He doesn’t even have the decency to ask if this change is ok.  I’m not even surprised.

He texts during the day to see if I can have the kids on Saturday for 1½ hours so he can go to his counsellor.  Still no mention about the Friday plan.  Point this out and he doesn’t answer the issue, just tells me he’ll get the brother to have the kids (tells me he’ll email his hours for next week).  Even when he calls to say goodnight to the kids in the evening, he doesn’t speak with me about it – but I hear him telling Master 11 he won’t let him walk the other two to my work.  Great parenting AH: happy to take sick kid out on a cold night or to drop them at every other house in the neighbour so he can play sport, yet not willing to let them show responsibility and mature by doing so!

Finally get the promised email at 8 pm.  He’s now asking if he can drop the kids at mine at 6.50 on Friday (yes, Friday.  The ONE school morning I don’t have kids in the house), then he can leave work earlier and pick them up from my work.  “Is that ok?”.

No, it’s not!  It’s NOTHING like proposed.  It’s self-serving (for him) and inconvenient (for me).  It also completely overrides the kids’ wishes (the boys want to walk to my work, Miss 6 wanted me to get them – then all come to my Friday get-together).  He says, “if [I] can’t help, he’ll ask someone else ..”.

I’m not going to rise to the bait.  Ask all and sundry to look after you kids, fool.  It all adds gravitas to my feelings that you are incapable of providing the necessary level of care for your kids.  One more month and I can apply to go back to mediation.  One more month for him to show he can be mature and has got what it takes.

I will not hold my breath.

Positives:

  1. fun reading with all three kids tonite – able to have a laugh.  That’s been a while;
  2. the rain – saves money and time watering the garden;
  3. all the kids singing along to Lorde in the car.

Wonder how long …

AH started his new job today.  He’s meant to have found out his hours so we can work out what’s going to happen with the kids on his days, in particular, Fridays.  Had expected an email once he’d spoken with his new boss.  Also expected a text to let me know what train he’d be on, as Master 9 would be waiting to be picked up for his 1-on-1.

I really MUST lower my expectations.  Only got a text from him at 16:29 to say he’d missed the 16:41 so would be late.  Well, that’s off to a fantastic start, isn’t it!?  He hadn’t arrived by 17:30 so I sat down for dinner with the other 2, giving Master 9 a small plate so he didn’t ruin his appetite with AH (bit concerned that it might be another hour before he got dinner).  AH arrived about 10 minutes later.  Didn’t seem impressed that we’d started dinner, but felt I was giving him control if I waited until he turned up.

No word whatsoever about what is to happen on Friday.  He really doesn’t have a decent, adult bone in his body.

Quick chat with the mum who invited AH to play Thurs netball and looked after the kids on Friday while he was at soccer.  Asked if she’d got the message that “Mein Führer” has said no to Thursdays and she took his side: her 5-year old only goes to bed at 8 pm so she sees no harm in him taking the kids out for a late night.  Can’t be arsed keeping quiet to that group anymore, so let her know he can do whatever as it works in my favour when the court case comes along.  It confirms he’s an irresponsible, crap dad.  She tells me I need to ‘stop the control’ and I am done!  This is nothing to do with control.  This is about routines and structures that work best for MY kids.  Not hers.  MINE!  And I know exactly what they are, as I’ve done it every day since they were born.

I really am sick of married people who’ve never been in this situation giving me advice that SUCKS!  There’s a couple of camps: (i) those who donsmug‘t like their partners anymore but stick in the marriage; or (ii) those who actually have a great relationship.  There definitely seem to be more in the former group.  But the only ones who can honestly say how this feels, how to interpret his actions or think mine through, or who can seriously listen to my concerns about his child-rearing skills are those who’ve walked this path.  And those are the ones I need to steer myself towards.

Oh, and the young Canadian, maybe! 😛

Nice evening with the other 2.  Master 10 comes in at 9 pm, saying he can’t sleep.  Looks like I’ve got Shakin’ Stevens in my bed again tonite 🙂

Positives:

  1. Master 10 and Miss 6 reading books to each other;
  2. that damn being desired-feeling again … I must look like a loonie as I walk down the road having read a text with a big smile on my face; and
  3. discovering more of Vampire Weekend.  Today’s song:  Walcott.  Replay!  Replay!  Replay!

Productive bank holiday

Jeez Master 10 thrashes about in the night.  So crap sleep for me.  Nice chilled morning though as power cuts strike so, no TV no internet, it’s not like Master 10 can do much.

AH comes at 10 and just looking at him makes the guts churn again – and not in a good way.  Let him know that Master 10 has asked that he doesn’t get called a “smartarse” in future.  He denies he called him a ‘smartarse’; he told him that he was ‘behaving like smartarse’.  Hmmm.  Not that much differentiation there!

He tells me the Thursday night calls have to stop.  I say it was Friday.  “They have to stop or I’ll start involving your parents”, he threatens.  Few issues there that need pointing out:

(a)  he refused to pick up his phone when I was calling on Friday (“I was chatting with [the couple who’d looked after the kids]”;

(b)  once he’d finished his chat, he’d have seen the missed calls but still didn’t get in touch.  He shrugs this off in his arrogant way;

(c)  he was the first one to involve my parents, when he called some months ago to try and get Papa’s intervention to get his family photos back.  It was only once he’d opened that door, that I figured it was ‘game on’ with his family.

It’s been quite a while since I’vFrozen4e had to listen to his threats – haven’t missed them at all, funnily enough.

Appreciate I do have to find a way to [break out your inner Elsa and Anna] release.  We both press each other’s buttons so beautifully.  Hell, if there were Olympics for this, we’d be top of the podium.  Forgiveness and letting go are not traits that come easy for me.

I had a great day attacking the garden and mowing the lawns.  Who the hell needs a fella!?  The place is looking better than it ever did with him here.

He brings the kids back at 16:00 as arranged.  Asks which kid is having 1-on-1 with him tomorrow, as keeping track is clearly much too hard.  Kids let me know how exciting [sic!] their day has been:  taken to Farmers, Rebel Sports (where I had said I’d get a ball for Master 9 from his birthday money as they had a sale on … AH heard and went straight there to get the adoration), round to one of AH’s mates, round to bro’s (where the boys were told to go to the park, AH went with Miss 6 to another mate’s) … with lunch of cheese sandwich and a bit of bacon … JUST BEFORE THEY CAME BACK!!!  Holy hell.  Lunch after 3 pm!!??

Ask them if anyone wants dinner and they’re all full.  That’s just great.  So glad I planned a menu, went to the supermarket and marinated the chicken.  Thankfully, by the time the chicken’s cooked at 6 pm, they’re all hungry enough to eat.  And eat some more.  All have thirds!  And now, thanks to these little buggers, I don’t have cold wings for my lunch 😦

Didn’t have to do Monday night family dinner.  Was able to put it off as he’d had the whole day with the kids so it wasn’t necessary.  Phew!  Up until Tuesday, I had actually been thinking about asking him if he would show me how to bbq then he could stay for dinner.  Oh what a difference a week makes!

Kids all in really good form this avo.  Master 10 had a meltdown and flew into a rage but I kept calm and got him down.  Miss 6 has a great sense of humour so has me in fits.  It’s a skill I hope she never loses.

Young Canadian from Saturday got in touch online again letting me know he’s good at cuddling.  Haha – that made me smile.  Maybe I might be a cougar after all ;).  Although I envisage there’s a wager going on at his end … I mean, who would go anywhere near a single mum of 3?  That’s just asking for trouble.

Positives:

  1. not having to cook for AH;
  2. looking out the window and being able to see results (lawn and garden);
  3. finally got all three kids back in a good mood!

Still can’t forgive ..

Lovely to have Master 10 back in the house for his 1-on-1.  Master 9 and Miss 6 are fighting though and both upset.  Master 9 asks why does he have to go to Daddy’s and why does he have to have a sister; Miss 6 is crying.  Obviously a late night as they’re both emotionally exhausted.  Hope AH has the nous to get them into bed early.

No dinner sorted as (having been out at a Tiki Taane concert last night and waking up at 4 am to watch the All Blacks v Boks world cup semi), had planned to just head to KFC for a treat.  Friend came round tho with a bottle of bubbles so any plans for driving went out the window and a walk to the local pub was in order.  Master 10 was in an odd mood – couldn’t sit still; eyes darting all over the place.  Like he’d had way too much sugar.

Interesting conversation on the way back when he said AH calls him ‘smartass’ and he doesn’t like it.  I pointed out I nearly called him that while we were on the phone over the weekend, but I changed it to (and he answered) ‘smarty-pants’.  Quick chat that AH shouldn’t be using those words, as they’re not want I to be called.  Yay!  Another chat we’ll need to have 😦

Also told by Master 10 that AH said he doesn’t agree to the Friday proposal “and that Mama and I will need to have an adult conversation about it”.  Wonder what his issue is and when he plans to discuss it.  Last-minute, no doubt!

So – the last few days …

Friday.  Parent helped in Miss 6’s class which was lovely.  Got the biggest cuddles from her before I left.  Only put in an hour at work before catching with my PIN (Plunket) mums for lunch, then sundowners with the new neighbours.  Called AH’s mobile at 18:15 before heading to the neighbours to say goodnight to the kids.  The phone rang and rang.   Tried a few times to no avail.  Figured he’d see the missed calls and ring me back.

But I figured wrong.  Not the decency to call me back and let me know say goodnight to my kids.

Called when I got home to find out where they were.  He didn’t answer.  Tried a few times and was ignored.  So called his brother.  No answer.  Sputnik.  No answer.  WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KIDS!?!

Left one option.  Called his auntie in South Africa to see if she could get a call answered.  She was off to a funeral so couldn’t do much.  Don’t feel at all guilty for involving her though.  That I don’t know where my kids are is wrong!  In for a penny; in for a pound … also sent a copy of my email to AH from Tuesday to his dad.  Try and defend that shit behaviour, a**hole!!

Sat – AH calls me at 06:30.  It’s a spite call for my calls yesterday.  I ignore it.  He tries on the landline too.  Like I was going to get out of bed to answer.  Managed to get back to sleep until a reasonable hour then chilled and read in bed.  Rung the kids to say hi (well, goodnight).  Find out that AH had social soccer so had left the kids with another mum.  So he has 2 nights with all 3 kids … and has scheduled social sports for himself on each of these nights.  And he sees no problem with that??

Finally up at a ridiculous hour then into the garden to try and find my happy.

The potential FB turned up without announcement and made me near on shit meself!  He’d questioned if I was ok so let him know what AH had done and, despite not drinking himself, he brought me a bottle of wine.  Had a good chat with him and got teary, which he didn’t seem to find creepy!

Kids call me to say goodnight as they’re aware I’m heading out.  No doubt in my mind it’s an early call so that I don’t discover what time they get to bed (as they’re at mates in Featherston with bro and Sputnik, the bbq is already going and no doubt the beers are flowing, and it won’t be an early night).  Unfortunately, Miss 6 cuts me off before we’ve finished our chat and I said to FB “bet I don’t get called back” (as AH has already commented about paying for the calls to me).  I was right.

I called the landline just before I went out and spoke with the missus there.  She’s got questions as to what’s going on but it’s not the time to speak about it – she wasn’t sure if she could ask but I tell her if she’s asks, I’ll tell her the truth .. but ensure she knows to appreciates there’s two sides to every story.  Speak with Miss 6 who, when I ask why she didn’t call me back, confirms it was Daddy.  This is alienation and it’s not on.

Great night at the local watching Tiki Taane.  Bloody brilliant!  Met a young Canadian who wants to meet up … he’s friended me on Facebook so would’ve already seen that I’ve got 3 kids; before he suggested meeting up.  Very young so not expecting much other than company.  Cougar, I am not! 🙂

Back in the garden today.  Keen to get this place looking good so I can move quick if/when a judge says I can move up country closer to my parents.

Bank holiday tomorrow and, as I had the kids last bank holiday, so he’s got them tomorrow.  His face is full of rage so when I ask what time he’ll get Master 10, he snarkily asks ‘when will you have given him breakfast’.  10 am.  10 am should be enough time.  He’s not happy.

And, after what he’s done this week, I don’t care.

Positives:

  1. Weed-spraying + attacking overgrown kikuyu + sowing grass = satisfication!
  2. the ABs beating the Boks and going to the final.  Can’t help but feel that’s a whole heap of karma right there;
  3. meeting Tiki Taane (not so happy about crying when speaking about my niece to him, but hell he was nice!  Cool guy!).