There’s been a turn of events that have made me acknowledge something I’ve struggled to truly accept. There’s been a small part of me that, despite what I’ve done to him and what he’s done to me, has thought that for our kids and for ourselves, we should get back together. I know, crazy, right?!
The hatred. The tears. The pain. The confusion. The exasperation. All of it. Completely hiding an underlying thought that we were/are meant to be – we worked for 15 years. How can that not say anything? No-one’s put up with me like he has. And I’ve been there to pick up his slack. There’s a reason we got together and that tiny little thought has stuck around ever since we split (although some days, I definitely can’t hear that thought over my yelling “I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!”).
But a couple of nights ago, I got a text from a friend (it was after getting back from M10’s dinner at AH’s). There’d been a party the weekend I left and AH and another mum in the circle of friends had been cosying up and, though she couldn’t say what might have gone on, they left together (despite her coming from town and staying at her ex sister-in-law’s house, who was still at the party, she left with AH). Alarm bells ringing.
You see, back in July (only 4 months after he called time), at another party, she went out the back and after a couple of minutes, he followed. I wondered then already if: (a) either he was smoking again, as she’s a smoker; or (b) had they gone for a smooch?! Why would I jump to this conclusion?
Well, after we split in March last year, he went to Cape Town for a cousin’s wedding in May. We had said we’d try to reconcile before he left, and once he got back, we both still agreed that’s what we wanted. The weekend he got back, there was a party [jeepers, we party a lot (another reason I want to get away from here)]. I let him stay and went home to relieve the babysitter.
Next day, I’m sent a photo of AH, with his top open. With this woman licking one nipple and another friend on the other side. I’m told I’m overreacting when I say it’s inappropriate .. it was just drunken fun, after all.
I’m such a mug. From that, to seeing an email from him to his brother in October saying “he should just acknowledge his marriage is over”, to being told that he was getting close with another married mum in the group after the friends’ Xmas party last year … and I still thought we could work.
And that little voice still says “he needs to come back and I need to take him back”.
But not now. I asked him when he came to get some stuff for the kids for their camping holiday (about 10 families have gone – I’m not invited but he is … and this woman will be there too) if he’s kissed her. He could only repeat “why” and “it’s not relevant”. He said ‘no, he hasn’t’, but I know him very well and if it wasn’t an out-and-out lie, he had simply missed stating the word “YET”. He’s completely oblivious to the pain this is causing.
She was supposed to be a friend. She is part of the party group that we BOTH hung with. I’ve stepped away from that group, yes, but he is getting close with her at parties that other friends are at … and making me look like an utter idiot.
I probably shouldn’t have had the wines the following day – as I rung her and she confirmed that something has happened and that he’s basically a free agent and her getting with him is no issue. Well, that’s a great reflection on her. As the mother of 3, whose husband left her for someone else, if she couldn’t have had the decency to do what she could to protect my kids, well who would? I hate that they’re there together over New Years. He couldn’t even stand up to say Happy New Year to me last year – I had to prompt him. Yet, as with any new relationship, there’ll be a massive snog this year. In front of half the community. And he sees nothing wrong.
I called his auntie (who raised him once his mother died) as I can’t carry this alone. I’m viewed as the bitch but I’m so hurt. And emotionally lacking in the skills to release, rather than react. She’s devastated. She tells me the whole family want us to get back together (I very much doubt the brother and Sputnik would agree with her). Apparently divine intervention is what’s needed. Sorry but Almighty God hasn’t done so well for me this year, so please excuse me if I don’t agree.
But it’s too late. Fight? I’m tired of fighting. Flight? He won’t let me take the kids. Acceptance. It’s all I can do. And it breaks my heart.