And the holiday’s over :(

Had a great week up with friends and family – two nights at one of my ‘oldest’ friend’s places, two nights in a hotel for my Mum’s 75th and three nights at my brother’s bach at Mt Maunganui – just me and the kids.

My kids fell straight back in love with my mate.  She’s M9’s godmother yet we only see each other when I travel up my parents; so maybe once a year.  Was great to see my sister, who’d flown over from Perth, and all the other siblings on the Saturday.  Was great to hear my sister-in-law laugh (the one who lost her daughter 7 months ago).  I can’t possibly fathom how you let yourself laugh again after a child takes their own life.  They are really struggling but I’m so glad she and my brother came, as it was touch-and-go for a while.

Chilling at the Mt was great too.  Didn’t do too much as the kids have had a pretty hectic summer holiday (lots of travelling, and they should be developing webbed feet soon after all the time spent in pools the past week).

I’m disturbed by something that came to light on the drive up.  M11 and M9 were having a tiff before I got into the car.  M11 texted AH and let him know that he’d been called certain names by M9.  When he told me, I said he didn’t need to let Daddy know these little things that happen while on my time … I’d deal with it (and I’d expect the same on Daddy’s time).

So when we stopped on the drive, M11 tells me about texts from AH, [in particular, 13/01/16 13:33]:

I think you should delete them [referring to his messages]

This puts my hackles up.  Why would he be telling a [fairly immature] 11-year old to delete his messages?  I call him, with M11 present to ask why (and get back “why are you so defensive?” … to which I question “why are you so guilty?”).  This gives the kids carte blanche to delete their phone and computer histories – which I don’t believe the experts recommend at all.  He thanks me “for my lecture” and I ask if he’ll let M11 know that it wasn’t great advice, which he says he’ll do.  M11 is now in tears as he’s worried he’s got AH into trouble.  OMG!  He’s concerned for his 40-year old father.

Once they hang up, M11 tells me AH didn’t rescind what he said.  M11 should not be feeling that guilt.  AH should not be putting him there.  I still can’t fathom what would have made sense to suggest deleting stuff.  There are too many freaks out there and, as I said, M11 isn’t particularly street smart, so I just don’t get it.

Had a strange thing on the Wed I drove back.  Usually I get into our next town and feel like I’m H*O*M*E*.  Not this time.  It’s not my home anymore.  Where I’ve been this past week is my home.  This is now AH’s … and his brother’s.  I want out.

Let him collect the kids once the car was unpacked.  On the Monday, he’d asked if he could have all 3 for Saturday, as he’d be visiting friends.  Considering I’d just had them for a week, that was fine.  Said he’d need to get a proper tethering hook for Ms6’s carseat before they went though, as it’s a horrible road.  He suggested using ‘my’ car (ie the old family car that he hasn’t paid for for months as he’s bought this other cheap one) but say ‘no’ as I need it to get to work and around.  Glad to see their faces come into work on Thurs, as he’s at the mechanics next door getting the hook fitted (although not so glad when Ms6 comes back saying AH wants to leave them at my work while he goes to the supermarket.  Afraid not, honey.  This is my place of work and I’ve had lots of time off lately – and still need more time off next week to look after you – so Daddy can’t dump you on me to make his life easier).

Had a few things on the to-do list (ie him to arrange haircuts as I’ve paid for the last 3, the kids’ school stationery that he said he’d do while I was away, a Chromebook for M11 and getting a special dress I’d bought for Ms6 back here) and figured easiest to text them to him, which I did on Thurs evening.  Tried to make it light and not a directive.  He fires back within 7 minutes:

Lovely to hear from u too

This is one of the ways he knows will bait me.  It’s a defensive reaction that he knows isn’t funny.  It’s meant to be entirely provocative.  Point out that is simply a list of things that we have to deal with and what am I meant to do exactly (I mean, I’m damned if I do; damned if I don’t!).

I’m told “it’s a long list … all of a sudden I am expected to report back”.  This is wrong.  I put the list there not for an immediate response .. but a discussion ‘agenda’, if you will.  It’s out there more so I don’t forget than anything.  But that’s not good enough for him.  He questions what’s going on with the UK flat … clearly forgetting that he had absolutely no input on this when I brought up the fact we were heading into default a week or so ago (despite his lack of interest, I engaged a lawyer and a valuer to get the lease extended as I want him out of my life).  He eventually says he’ll do the haircuts, stationery and Chromebook – in return I’ll need to sort the sale of the UK flat.  Yeah … coz that sounds like an even distribution of workloads!!

He wants to meet up to discuss moving forward.  I refuse to have these conversations in the presence of the kids.  The atmosphere (even if the words aren’t) is toxic and they shouldn’t be subjected to that.  He doesn’t agree and keeps pushing for meeting.  Unfortunately, I’ve planned things so can’t make any of his suggested times … even if I was ok with putting the kids into that environment.  It’s banging my head against a brick wall.

On the Friday morning, he turns up with the kids to get their bikes and camping bunks.  He sends the kids on their way and says ‘he wants a word with Mama’.  I’m not interested so head back into the house and lock the door.  So he puts his head through the lounge window and starts throwing crap in my direction: “you want things to be like last year, that’s fine.  I’m happy to go back to that”.  Refuses to take any responsibility for letting things get acrimonious by sending his nasty little response, rather than maybe taking a breath and only replying with an adult response the following day .. ?!  It’s all on me.  End up yelling at him to “grow up” as I’m pushed to my limit.  I should’ve just walked away!

He doesn’t help things by texting me at 2 pm to say M9 wants to have his 1-on-1 with me on Saturday, ie. when they’re all meant to be staying with his friends.  NOT that he doesn’t want to go with AH … but that he wants his 1-on-1 with me.  Clearly, they’re having a not so fun time and, in the heat of the moment, M9 is playing the ‘I want to go to [other parent’s] house’ card.  What the hell is wrong with AH to even include me in this?  It’s now up to me to say ‘no’, as I don’t often get a free Saturday, I’ve made plans.  So I’m the baddie.  Not AH!

I had such good intentions of not going down the same route as last year.  But I can’t figure out how!  My head spins with thoughts but I can’t quite reach the answer as to how to stop that feeling of being sooooo let down and hurt.  I don’t want him back – that much is clear.  But why does it still sting that he’s potentially seeing this other mum?  Why am I still hung up on the fact that his brother and Sputnik settled in my back yard?  Why can’t I simply be happy that he’s a lazy, unmotivated father to our kids – it’s not on my time.

I think some good counselling is in order.  I want to move past this.  I want my kids to not feel stuck in the middle.  I want an amicable ‘alliance’ (as ‘relationship’ isn’t the word I want to use here).  I want to be happy!

theeliminationdiet

Need a break

And thank goodness that tomorrow, I sort of get one.  Yes, there’s a 5-hour drive with the three kids up-country but there’ll be no running kids to-and-fro, no pressure from AH to come and see the kids, I won’t have to cook for 4 nights [as you may be able to tell, I’m not the world’s biggest lover of cooking.  I love providing good food for my kids.  I love discovering new recipes that are easy and tasty.  I love it when the kids enjoy what I’ve made for them.  But I hate the planning that’s required to get to that stage.  And I begrudge the amount of money it takes every week to provide that.  And, now it’s just me, I hate the amount of time I spend in the kitchen, not only preparing, but also cleaning up.  Oh, for a dishwasher!].

I’m excited to get away from the house, as I only see things that need to be done.

I can’t wait to see my whole family – this will be the first time since my niece’s funeral in June.

I’m hopeful I can get some of the bond back with the kids that seems to have gone since I’ve got them back.

M11 came to read in bed this morning as we were both too tired to do it last night.  He’s in a foul mood already.  He does terrible reading (slurs his words, misses lines) and isn’t happy that I get him to start sentences again.  Trying to stay calm when he’s acting the victim isn’t easy for me.  He eventually comes right – not before having a physical fight with M9 and being sent outside to calm down.

Drop all 3 kids at their plays then into work for a few hours.  Good thing I did, as the money I earned for that short time went straight onto petrol and oil.  Boy, I must be paid in liquid money as it sure slips through the fingers like water 😦

Pick up Ms6 then M9 comes home.  M11’s play is going well so let AH know that he’ll just need to pick him up from the other kid’s house at 6 pm.  I’m happy that there’s no need to see him this afternoon, as there’s a new issue…

Our flat in London is now in default.  I had thought I’d negotiated a mortgage payment holiday but, having checked the account today, they’re still taking payments – yet we’ve not got any rent coming in.  I let AH know and point out that all my savings have been used the past 10 years paying the monthly shortfall, so what does he propose to do for payment.

Interestingly he comments, “If we got rid of it years ago, who knows where we would have been now…” (he’s wanted to sell it for a while, but as I didn’t trust his ability to not overspend, I felt it was better to keep it as a rental until we’d got our spending under control).  I’m not sure what else his comment is meant to mean (but remind him that he still would’ve put his brother above me and refused to acknowledge that he also needed to change, and selling the flat wouldn’t have made a jot of different).

I’m shocked by his response about the flat going into default.  Rather than a ‘what do I need to do?’ or ‘sorry I’ve been so useless and done absolutely nothing to help progress the sale, so I’ll do everything I need to do’ … not:

“Well I don’t have any savings … the bank will sell it … we likely to loose [sic!] a lot of money … oh well … we live and learn”.

Why did I ever go for such an unmotivated, lazy loser?!

I think back to M11’s reading this morning and am concerned that he’s too much of a chip off the old block.  They’re both victims.  AH really needs to step up and become a better role model … but I don’t think he’s got the ability to change.  His father isn’t motivated, so hardly a great role model there.

I call M11 on AH’s phone at 20:15, once the other two are tucked in bed.  AH picks up – nearly laughed at his high-pitched, happy voice – clearly expecting the kids.  I tell him they’re already in bed and I’m not going to wake them.  Ask why he didn’t call earlier, and he’s ‘watching a movie with M11 and forgot’.  At least he was honest.

Speak with M11 and he’s yawning big time, so ask how much longer the movie has to go.  Apparently it’s got another half hour, so suggest (given our drive tomorrow) an early night might be a good idea.  AH pipes up that ‘they should stop it and watch it another day’.  Wow!  Now there’s an idea.

M11 wants to speak to the other two so check and they’re not yet asleep so he speaks to them, as does AH.

Ask what time he’ll be dropped back and throw a ‘close to 9 would be good’ out there.  I think AH had a near heart attack in the background: “no, no, no.  Close to 7.30 and if you’ve got a problem, then I’ll drop him at 6.45”.  Not particularly thinking things through as the earlier he gets here, the less likely that the other two will be awake – and I will definitely not be waking them if they’re still asleep so that he can say goodbye.

Positives:

  1. finding a frame and mount for a sketch of my niece that my colleague commissioned  – hope my brother and his wife like it;
  2. how nice M9 and Ms6 got on this afternoon;
  3. hearing so much David Bowie.  I’m so saddened by his death yesterday, as his music has been in the background of my entire life.  The positive from this awful news is that M9, when choosing his songs from my Nano, chose Bowie!

All is NOT fair …

… in love and separation.  It is definitely not fair.  Especially if he can’t see anything past his blinkered, black-and-white vision.

Yesterday, as he’s gone back on his agreement to swap his Thurs/Fri with my Mon/Tues this week before heading north for my Mum’s 75th, I figured, why not go up on Tuesday (as I was only leaving on Wed to get a couple of days work in) and put that to him.  I actually thought he’d say ‘no’ as he’d miss out on his 1-on-1 with M11, but he didn’t.  It didn’t even enter the equation.

Our consequent texts show what I’m dealing with.  I sit here and wonder if I’m being unfair.  Am I being unreasonable?

Tron 1

I’m seriously trying to see it from his point of view, rather than just mine.  But I can’t.  I’m fuming that he tries to put this onto my Papa.  His immaturity at times astounds me (but am I being just as immature but saying I won’t go until Thursday?) …Tron 2

Get the kids once I’ve finished work as I’d arranged a friend to have them all.  Have lined up plays for each of them individually with friends tomorrow as I really need the cash at the moment.  Petrol alone is going to cost me $200 at least.  And the car (which he no longer pays anything for) is overdue for its warrant of fitness and you never know what that’s going to end up costing.

The issue I have is not a straight-out expecting money for looking after my own kids; the issue is that he went back on swapping 2 days this week so that I could work.  Yet, I still find myself thinking I’m a bitch.

He turns up to take them for a fluffy, just as I’m telling the kids that I’ve said I don’t want the Monday dinners anymore – in case he brings it up, I want them to know I’m the one who’s poo-pahing it.  It’s not brought up, but as soon as the boys get back, they’re asking for the PS3 games (we had a PS that broke not long after we got it.  I asked AH to return it as it was his toy, not mine, and he never did so now it’s well past its warranty).  The boys tell me that AH is going to buy a PS and a new TV as he can’t play PlayStation through his existing one.

Now I’m angry.  When I first suggested he give me a $200 petrol voucher to cover my lost wages/his childcare if he had to have the kids on his days, his response was:

I need to ensure I meet my child support obligations so don’t have any extra cash.

Riiiiiggghhttt!!   So that new tele and PS?  Where are they coming from?

He claims he wants fairness.  He claims he wants give AND take.  I’m yet to see it.

Positives:

  1. seeing this little fella, who ventured onto my mate’s beachfront property (very unwisely considering there were 9 kids running around there today … and a golden retriever)penguin;
  2. organising plays for the kids so I can get income;
  3. getting M9 to sit on my lap and hug the tightest hug when he was having another meltdown.  Explained to him I’m going to get him some counselling [“what’s that?”] as I think there’s something going on that he might want to get out.  I’m not sure how often AH is repeating a couple of mantras that he might be struggling with: (a) “I don’t get as much time with you as Mama”; and (b) “don’t talk with Mama about this if I’m not there”.  He seems open to the idea at least, which is positive.

And they’re back!

Few busy days that kept me away from the keyboard: kids went back to AH Thurs morning so, after work, went and stayed at a friend’s.

Spoke to the kids to say goodnight from there, and it’s not good.  M11 is not happy with me.  I found out some time ago that AH’s ex-colleague’s missus has been talking about me behind my back, telling people to watch out for my “dramas”, when she’s only heard AH’s version of events via her partner.  And we all know how precise Chinese whispers are!  She’s the one who’s organised the NY camping trip, and she’s set the invite list.  I believe there’s been a jealousy there that I was part of the inner sanctum of that group, and she wasn’t.  This is now her “in” .. and she’s completely taking it.  There’ve been other issues over the past year so, when she suggested a catch-up, I let her know I didn’t believe there was anything that she could say to justify what she’s done.  M11 also doesn’t like her boy (nearly 11, and a disrespectful bully) but M9 does.  Ms6 gets on with her Ms8, who isn’t as bad as her brother, but can be a manipulative little minx herself.  Anyway, this mum (let’s call her Mary) is part of the Friday evening get-together.  She’s spoken to the hostess that she won’t be able to do Fridays with me there.

How old are we again?  High school students, or 40 year olds?!  

Anyway, I’d mentioned that ‘our boys don’t like each other’ (which she is completely aware of as I had to call her only a few months ago as my M11 was being bullied by him, and also wasn’t keen on the fact that her little shite was teaching youngers kids at school how to swear.  M11 had spoken about it to AH but he took it no further, just told M11 to ignore the other kid).  But this had obviously slipped her memory, as she felt the need to text AH to find out if everything was ok (AH has never liked her kids that much and sees them as disrespectful snots).  M9 and Ms6 had asked that these kids come over for a play, as they’d been with them at camp and AH’s place is a 3 minute walk from Mary’s.  Mary’s partner then questioned why they’d want them to come for a play as “our kids don’t like their kids” …. hhmmm, quite different from what I had said (and considering it was via text, think I’ve got some pretty good proof about the words I used, rather than this poisonous troll’s overexaggeration).  M11 is peeved that I let Mary know as he thinks the kids knows too and it wasn’t up to me to say anything (funnily enough, he asked me to get involved those few months ago, because AH wouldn’t).

AH gets on the line and he confirms he knows that M11 doesn’t like their boy.  He says he won’t force him to mix with the other kid [yeah, coz he’s done so well on that front, so far].  I’m told that they got on well today, but I point out that, without an Xbox or PlayStation, would that be the case?  And he agrees that it wouldn’t.  I’m not going to spend any more energy on defending myself so I hang up.  Lovely text from AH straight after:

kemp

Call the kids in the morning.  I’m keen to have some time with M11 to make sure he’s ok with me, and not been fed BS by three other adults.  Arrange to take him for a fluffy once I’ve finished work, and before my Friday soiree.  Explain that I’ve fallen out with the mum but I won’t stop them seeing each other.  Apologised for upsetting him (he’s not that upset as the kid never got told, which I think might have scared him as to what reaction it might have elicited).  He said it’s not so bad with the other kid as, if he’s getting bullied, he ‘just tells Daddy and then he gets to go on the tablet’.  Excellent!  Forcing your kids to hang other with ones they don’t like, purely so you can socialise with their parents that you didn’t think that much of and, if it doesn’t work, just throw more screens in front of them.

Fun at Friday drinks.  Still no wine and took things slower than I would’ve normally.

Brunch on Saturday with the dad who’s separating.  I’m concerned he may see me as a potential, but there’s seriously no attraction for me.  Pick up Ms6 just before 4 and have a lovely 1-on-1 with her.  Love watching her breathing as she sleeps!

Boys come back at 7.25 (Ms6 is still soundly sleeping).  I’d bought her and I a Nerf gun each as want to have more fun with the boys.  So we carried out an ambush on them … once I’d had a chance to wake up a bit.

I should be stoked to have them all back but they’re fighting within 15 minutes of the gunfight finishing.  Ms6 and M9 start it off.  M9 is grumpy as.  He says he didn’t sleep well.

Can’t even remember what started M11 off before lunch but he’s got loads of pre-teenage attitude that’s being spewed venomously in my direction.  I take the kids out to try another river swimming spot (M11 starts complaining straight away; he wants to go to the one we went to on Wed, but I say it’s good to check out new things, otherwise you never know if you’ve found the best or might be missing out … hope he doesn’t think this means with women when the time comes).  It’s not as good, so we head back to the other.

M11 and M9 kick off together when we get home so I separate them.  M11 finds this unfair as he therefore cannot watch M9 on the computer.  So he calls AH in tears.  He wants to go round there for dinner, just him.  But I say no.  I’ve only just got them back and, given their angry, grumpy moods, I want to start getting them back to the more respectful kids I know they are.  I’m sick of them coming back to me tired and grumpy.

They’re all better come bedtime thankfully.  Trying to stay calm and not react to their tiredness, but it ain’t easy.

Positives:

  1. making zuchinni fritters and a chocolate zuchinni cake using zuchinni my hands grew :);
  2. vacuuming the car;
  3. the way the kids all pitched in after dinner to clean up.

It’s been too long

I get my kids back today.  It’s only for a night, before we get back into usual parent share routines.  Very excited (though the thought of having to cook/wash dishes/think of someone else does not appeal).

Given AH’s recent conversations with my Mum and Papa regarding my drinking, I felt it more important than ever to check out his, and his brother’s recycling bins this week.  This took a bit of Mata Hari planning as he was bringing the kids here (how could I possibly take the kids with me to take photos?), and the bro and Sputnik were likely still off work.  A possibility of being confronted by both brothers.  Oh, I could imagine their faces already.

Figured the only way it would work was for me instead go get them, photographing brother’s bin on the way.  Had to give him the pile of existing school stationery so he could complete the order while I was away (I’ve always done this so have passed the baton to him this year) so had a pretence for coming to get the kids.

I’m so glad I did.  As they were away camping, this is the result of only 5 nights:

Booze.png

Didn’t want to risk making noise, so wasn’t able to search under to see if there was more but reckon, in AH’s case (considering he had the kids in his care for every one of those nights), I’m not the one with the problem!

He was surprised to see me.  No hellos or anything.  I was surprised he wasn’t ready for work -he had said he wanted to go in Mon/Tues but had the kids, so couldn’t.  He’s unable to go in Thurs/Fri as it’s his days with the kids.  Apparently contractors are ‘locked out’ (not the words but similar concept) until Thurs.  Commented that we could’ve changed days had he let me know that was the case.  I’m, once again, the only one to be blamed here.  Yawn!  Change the record!

Got wonderful cuddles from the kids.  Back to mine to chill with them for a bit.  Loved my time in bed with Ms6; she’s funny and really gets it!  Started a knit-your-own hat craft that she got for Xmas.  Was just the bond I needed.

Quickly into work to run wages, picked up pizzas for lunch then off to check out a swimming hole I’d heard about.  Turns out, we’d been there before (just different roads to get there).  Kids bumped into another 3 kids they knew so worked really well.  They ask if we can come back again tomorrow, but I let them know they’ll have to sort that with Daddy.  They all say “best day ever” :).

Beautiful day so cold meats and salad on the back lawn for dinner.

M11’s meant to do the bathroom (for $5) but kicked up a stink so M9 jumps up and ask if he can do it.  M11 thinks he’s off-the-hook but get him to do the dinner dishes – at their ages, they should definitely be doing more around the house.  M11 comments he’s glad to be learning how to do the dishes as that’s something a girlfriend would want [hell yeah!].  M9 does a great job of the bathroom.  Long may it last 🙂

A really lovely day.  But concerned that M9’s attitude is volatile!  He can fire off at the slightest provacation.  The looks.  The tone of voice.  It takes a while to calm as well (I’ve said to AH I’d like to get him counselling once I’m back).  He fired off fairly early but, having not seen them for so long, found it easier to stay calm.  M11 had his at the end of the day – he’s upset his godparents are in South Africa, as we’re going to be staying with M9’s next week (she’s one of my oldest friends and gorgeous!).  I say they’ll see them when they go to SA.  M9 says he doesn’t want to go to SA, but I say he’ll enjoy it – catching up with all those cuzzies.  M11 is also down on the SA side, ie he doesn’t believe he has cousins there.  This is something AH needs to tell them about, so suggest they ask him to arrange a Skype and show them some photos.  I’m told by M9 that Daddy’s taking them in September … wow!  First I’ve heard about September being the time.

Positives:

  1. Getting my kids back;
  2. the wonderful, relaxed vibe of the day; and
  3. getting the Xmas decorations down.

The lighter side ..

So my darling ex called my parents, as he said he would.  Papa phoned me yesterday evening to let me know how it went down.  I asked if there was anything that was said that came as a surprise/that I needed to have a right of reply to.  Thankfully, this time, no.  [Last year, my parents were here when AH said it was over – so they asked to meet him for a coffee.  At that meeting, he told my parents I suffered from PND after the birth of M9 and my Mum didn’t do anything to help.  I have suffered from mild depression the past 6/7 years but I have never suffered from PND so if Mum didn’t help, it was because I didn’t tell her .. because I WASN’T SUFFERING FROM IT!  Needed to make sure he hadn’t spun a similar line this time].

He said nothing they weren’t expecting:

  • He’s peeved I’ve called his Auntie and Dad to pass on about the substandard things he’s done (I justify this as he’s a manipulator who has made me out to be the only one at fault here, and he has his brother in the neighbourhood who only hears his story to validate his opinion … I just want them to get both sides of the story; as I have always done with my parents.  He’s angry as he’s no longer the innocent he portrays to them);
  • He mentioned my drinking (my parents know this is a glasshouse scenario as he’s been an enabler for me and can’t go without, himself);
  • It is, as always, completely my fault (but Papa has already seen that AH has NEVER taken any responsibility or accountability for the failure of our marriage … Papa is not a stupid man, and is well aware that, in AH’s eyes, he’s done NOTHING wrong!).

As we’d had two rainy days since they got back from camping, they had spent two whole days in front of screen at his place, only leaving to go to the supermarket to get supplies for dinner on Sunday, when his brother and Sputnik had gone there for dinner.  Loved that the kids came to visit me at work yesterday (Mon).  They’d been at the pools with AH, which pleased me greatly that he’d actually done something fun with them.  It was Ms6’s idea while they were waiting for their pizza for lunch from just down the road from my work.  They called again Mon evening from the bro’s house where they were having toasties and salad for dinner (yay! vegies at least 🙂 .  Ms6 tells me Poppa had called but she hung up on him by mistake.  Interesting!

M11 calls at 8:20 am today.  I’ve just woken (my body clock seems to be going off at 4 am and I can’t sleep for an hour or two).  He wants to come cook brownies again but I say I’ve got to work then off to see a movie with the neighbours.  He wants to come along but let him know it’s probably not something he’d enjoy (Suffragette).  Ask that if they’re passing my work, they drop in … and they do!  Must give AH kudos for letting them do that.

Speak to my parents again this evening and, yes, they had called AH yesterday: Papa is keen to ensure there is nothing that can be done for “us”.  They love him.  They want the best for my beautiful three kids.  After Ms6 hung up, they text AH to call when it suits.  And he does at about 8 pm.  He wouldn’t let Papa speak, kept interrupting (so that Papa had to say three times, “[AH], you’ve had your chance to talk, now let me talk”, and when Papa said he wanted to come down here and bang both our heads together … AH hung up on them.  Oh dear.  Showing your true colours.  How very un-AH!  He’s usually very controlled as to letting other people see that side of him.  I’m guessing there were some beers drunk at his brother’s place!  They got a text from him this morning apologising for hanging-up and claiming it’s all about what’s in the “kids’ best interests”.  Mum’s confused.  Papa is now acknowledging that AH is not what he seems.

My kids are the ONLY thing that matter.  I get them back tomorrow – just for one night.  Can’t wait!

Positives:

  1. When the 54-year old potential FB (but subsequently discovered I couldn’t) turned up at work just after AH turned up with the kids today.  AWKWARD!  But bloody funny;
  2. Watching ‘Suffragette’ – amazing movie!  It made me feel sick, cry, shocked me … and made me feel extremely proud that NZ was the first country to give women the vote (1893);
  3. closure!  I’m not going to let 2016 be the year of being taken the piss out of.  This is my year.  If things doesn’t help my soul, they go 🙂

Happy New Year!

I find it quite amusing that, only a week ago, I couldn’t link “happy” with “Christmas” but today I sit here, quite positive, that “happy” and “New Year” definitely belong together.

After a horrible sleep on the 29th, I woke up still feeling sad and empty but the recognition that I definitely don’t want him back in my life gave me some sense of relief.  An alleviation.

And it was enough to make me look forward to the end of 2015 and see an opportunity for a new beginning.  I can tie it into a nice, little package with a bow on top … and throw it as far out into the wild blue yonder as I can!

Went for a night camping on the 30th with neighbours.  The wife ended up bringing the kids home so I stayed up with her husband (in the kids tent; him in the adult one – I’ll wait until someone starts spreading innuendo about this in our small community).  Was nice to be away from the house and routine … and loneliness.

Back on the 31st for NYE party at my Friday night drink’s casa.   I’ve decided that I will not speak about him if people ask.  Great party – though can’t remember seeing in the new year.  Had a hiccup when I tried to call my kids at the place they’re camping at with AH.  For the past few days, it’s been so hard to contact them (either M10 had turned his phone off or couldn’t find it, or AH refused to answer his).  When I had spoken to Ms6 that day, I couldn’t hear what she was saying as the adults around were so noisy and asked her if she could get AH to Skype instead.  I hadn’t seen them for nearly four days – I didn’t think that unreasonable.

But I never heard.  So I called again at 7 pm.  Again, no phones were answered (including a couple of the other mums).  God, all I wanted to do was speak to my kids to say happy new year.  I call the office at the camp and ask them to find him and call me.

Ms6 eventually calls me back. Then she starts to cry and the call ends.  WTH?  I have no idea what’s going on and phones aren’t being answered.

Another mum calls me back.  Apparently all the mobiles needed recharging.  Seriously?!  20+ mobiles and none are charged?!  I’m told Ms6 just wants to dance so she doesn’t come back onto the line and that two-faced mum who’s helped make this year awful is with her.  I ask where’s AH as he should be with her, and she doesn’t know.  M10 speaks but doesn’t know where M9 is.

He  would not tolerate this from me.  It’s alienation.  I do not deserve it from him!  [Ms6 confirmed yesterday that she asked AH if they could Skype when I had asked, and he said no].

Try to call them on the morning of NYD – to no avail.  Again, call the office and ask them to find him or the kids and ask them to call.  I text AH to ask what time can we Skype.  He texts to say they’re coming back today and will bring them by to say hello.

They arrive about 7 pm (the boys look older … and slightly sunburnt).  AH stays in the car – M11 asks if they’re allowed in the house and gets told “not for long”.  Jeez, thanks prick.  I let you have as long as you wanted at the beach when we got back – yet you give me mere minutes!

Arranged to catch up with them for afternoon tea today.  Got M11 to come beforehand so we could make brownies (he likes to cook so I got him a brownie maker for his birthday).  AH calls him back to the car and he comes back saying “Daddy says that I bring up him and [the other woman] up, he’s not to say anything”.  God – I had no intention of speaking about either of them but nice of him to put M11 in the middle once again.  

Saw the rest of them at the arranged place for sundaes.  AH asks who’s going to pay for them … (remember, he earns $100k+, I earn $17k).  Remind him the kids are on his time so he galantly says he’ll pick up the $6 tab.

Very disappointed that when I spoke to M9 the other day that we were going to head back up to my parents for my Mum’s 75th, he said he didn’t want to go.  He hasn’t had ‘much time with Daddy’ apparently.  That hurts.  I let M11 know and he pulled the same crap.  Doesn’t want to go.  It’s a long drive (that is true!), but we only do it once a year usually.  I’m wondering if there’s any coaching going on behind-the-scenes here.

We discuss what day the kids are coming back to me.  As I had them for 10 nights for Christmas, M9 is insisting that Daddy gets them for 10 days.  That takes us to Wednesday.  As AH’s normal days are Thurs and Fri, I let them know that he’ll get them back, which should make M9 very happy as he definitely seems to feel that AH is treated unfairly with the split.  AH asks if he needs to go to work on Thurs and Fri, would I be open to having the kids.  I say that I need to work as much as possible as I’m away for a week from Wed.  He looks peeved.

We talk about what time the changeover will be on Wed.  M9 says 7 … “hell no, child!  I’ll be sleeping :)”, I say.  How about 10?  There’s negotiation and we agree on 9.  AH says ‘so I’ll get them back on Thurs’, and I say I’ll drop them back at 10 on the way to work.  “So you get them for an extra hour then?”.

Again!  I can’t believe I held onto a thread of hope that the best thing for us would be to get back together.  Was I on drugs?!  LOL.

He wants an adult chat with me about the new lady.  He says he’s not going to discuss the issue itself, but only my reaction to it (my telling M11 upset him but I’m not prepared to have them be the last to know and, with this small community, it will be spoken about).  I say it’s a conversation we can have with the kids as it involves them.  He says she’s just a friend (and my tongue nearly bleeds to not yell ‘Generally, I don’t let my friends lick my nipples’!).  I say so long as he tells the kids the truth, good luck to them.

He sends the kids to the dairy to buy lollies [why do so many newly separated dads do this?  It wasn’t acceptable while we were together … why now?!].  As I come out, he says he’s going to give me one more chance to meet up with him, or he’s going to call my parents.  Not sure what he thinks this will achieve, as I’ve been completely honest with my parents.  I’ve let them know stupid things I’ve done when I’ve had too much to drink and let my emotions take over.  He’s a joke.  “Call away”, I say.

Positives:

  1. recovered the kitchen chairs which the kids have ripped and have looked awful for ages;
  2. the rain – good for my garden (got my first celery harvested … not perfect but great for a first-timer);
  3. having a Nerf gun fight with M11 while he was here.  He does really get a kick out of me being stupid with him, and I must do it more often; and, one extra for luck …
  4. my mantra for 2016.  Yes, yes I do!!

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