KABOOM! The fallout

Getting exhausted kids back is not going to end well.  And at 6 pm, Hell enters my kitchen.  Despite being good lil’ Mama’s helper and baking happily with me, just before sitting down for dinner, spawn of Satan came out.  She hates me and I’m not her real mum, along with worst dinner ever and any other venom she could spurt.  Spent a bit of time outside (her, not me … but it was a close call – moving far from her attitude and tears was very tempting).  She was too far past her emotional capabilities to handle.

She’s better today after a good sleep.

Me, on the other hand … I dunno but there’s that ‘flat’ feeling again.  Possibly lack of sleep, tired of insipid weather, apprehension of today’s pre-mediation meeting (both AH and I get a 1-on-1 session with our mediator before we sit down together).

I like our mediator.  She strikes me as honest and fair.  A good listener and definitely keen for the best possible outcome for the kids.  Also seems genuinely concerned for me.  Probably was a bit of a waste having our meeting before AH had his as we have no idea what he’s proposing.  I know he wants free weekends so he can party, but am completely in the dark as to how he would achieve this.  I would oppose week-on/week-off.  He hasn’t proven that he can look after the kids 3 days, why would a week work?!  He’s only seeing her on Thurs so I’ll have to wait until then to hear.

Took M9 to a hip-hop class this afternoon.  Unfortunately it only had girls dancing and a female teacher, so he’s not keen.  Thurs evening they do a boys-only class that he’d like to try.  Oh yay!  Another after-school activity on Daddy’s day!  Email him about it and he agrees to take him along (Grolsch lives nearby so they could spend some much-needed time together).

Not pleased that, instead of cleaning his room as he’d been asked, M9 decides to simulate hanging himself on his door handle.  GOD KNOWS where this has come from but I’m freaking.  Apparently one of his mates last year talked about it and has lost a number of cousins to hanging (also, it was the stupid choice my niece made … but the kids don’t know that).  He’s laughing and refusing to tidy his room when AH calls.  Cue tears!  AH speaks with M11 asking him if he could go help tidy the room (he’d done the dishes which is why he was excused … but of course AH hadn’t been told this).  AH asks to speak with me and he’s rightly concerned about M9’s actions.  M9 said he wanted AH to come for a cuddle so he asks if he can. Now I’m sure some will think be cruel but I said ‘no’.

M9 is playing AH again and again (ie running to his when something doesn’t go his way!  Calling him in the middle of a fight with his brother to get sympathy! AH then asks if M9 can spend the night when he’s meant to be with me … it’s all setting precedents that don’t need to be set).  Stop indulging him and letting him think that his manipulation is actually working!  Be a strong, guiding father … FFS!

Boys also mention cocaine so ask where this has come from: ex-colleague’s son apparently along with older brother of kid in M9’s football team (his mother and ex-colleague’s missus spend a lot of time together).  Don’t like that kids are having these discussions in their faces so much earlier.  Can’t remember when I first heard about cocaine but it definitely wasn’t while still at primary school.

Positives:

  1. bit of gardening and mowed front lawn;
  2. full baking tins;
  3. boys being excited to take Thermos’ of soup to school for lunch.  Old skool 🙂
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My morning, so far

7:36 am – M9 wakes and quietly goes to watch tele.

7:44 am – Ms6 and M11 dropped back.

7:49 am – Ms6 and M9 start fighting over the cat.  Ms6 in tears as M11 had Mentos that he says he’s only going to share with M9.

7:53 am – Ms6 in tears again as she’s whacked M9 and he hit her back.

10 minutes!!  What. The. Hell?

M11 tells me they only got back to AH’s at 20:59 because dinner took so long. Perhaps barbecuing when there’s severe storm warnings in place might not be a good idea in future!

Morons! Fucking morons!

Here for you, Johnny

So Johnny Depp is separating from his young bit of fluff.  The mud-slinging has started, I see, with accusations flying of domestic violence and drug-fuelled rages.  Apparently the whole relationship was marred with violence, which makes you wonder why she married him.  But, after only 15 months, she’s going for spousal maintenance!  Nice for some, aye!  15 months with someone who was already well-established, financially set for life, famous (how many had heard of Amber before Johnny?!), and she’ll probably walk away with a nice nest egg.

I gave nearly AH 3 kids and 15 years, helped him get to a better financial and educational place … and he will fight me for every penny!  Hollywood seems so much fairer!

AH texted yesterday saying the kids wanted time with all of us, asking if we could go to McD’s after Saturday soccer.  My God – the last thing I want to do is spend time with him.  I wish he’d stop doing this.  What point is all of us catching up when we have nothing to say to each other?  The atmosphere isn’t great and surely the kids pick up on that.  Why must I be in the company of someone who has caused, and continues to cause, so much pain and frustration?

As I’d already arranged that the fella [boss’ mate] from last Saturday would visit on Friday, going out Saturday morning was a definite no for me, but agree to meet for sundaes at 4 pm, when I’d collect M9 for his 1-on-1.  Had been texting him … I’m going to call him “Mr Lee” …  over the week and he definitely has a way with words.  I call the kids to say goodnight at 19:45.  It’s Friday, yes, but Ms6 is usually in bed at 7 pm.  Yet – they’re all still up.  And haven’t eaten dinner.

An incredibly lazy day today.  Mr Lee is very keen – possibly too keen.  I don’t see it as anything other than good fun (I need someone taller and, at the risk of sounding like a money-grabbing bitch, someone who is more financially secure.  I’m tired of having to watch money so closely.  I would like, just for a bit, to have someone pamper me – no, not with Chanel bags or Louboutin shoes … just dinner occasionally, perhaps the opera every once in a while, a rugby game in town …).

The catch-up was uncomfortable.  Lovely to see the kids but otherwise as excruciating as an anal probe.  Despite it being a cold, miserable day, both boys turn up in shorts – M9 in a t-shirt and M11 wearing his school uniform fleece.  They don’t have any warm clothes at AH’s … why doesn’t he go and buy some?  M9 rung this morning asking if he could come and pick up togs as ex-colleague’s missus was taking the boys swimming.  I’m not going to let them come home and see a strange car in the driveway so suggested AH goes and buys a pair so that there’s always one there.  This didn’t happen – am told he was made just to wear a pair of soccer shorts.  God, he’s useless.

M9 pukes a bit just before bedtime.  He had sweets while at swimming and at AH’s house.  So with a sundae and pizza for dinner, hardly a healthy diet.  He calls AH to say goodnight – they’re at Grolsch & Sputnik’s and, surprise surprise, even though it’s 19:30, they’ve not eaten!   So I’m going to get tired kids dropped back tomorrow.  I’m so lucky!

Positives:

  1. being made to feel wanted;
  2. getting everything off to my lawyer; and
  3. The Tourist on tv – not the world’s best movie but I’m waiting for your call, Johnny!

 

Master Manipulator

AH emailed yesterday evening:

Have you had a conversation with the children around suicide?

Last Sunday, a Hopewalk (suicide awareness) was due to take place and I’d told the kids I was keen to go along with them.  Oddly, M11 commented that he’d do the walk but didn’t want to do it for people who’ve committed suicide as they made that choice (he doesn’t know that that’s how my niece passed last year).  Have kept things pretty generic until such a time as my brother is ok for me to let them know.  Just opened the channels of communication … as this is supposedly now best to future-proof kids.

I felt that was a pretty open statement and wondered what exactly was he getting at.  There’s definite ulterior motive here.  And, WHOOMP there it is …

I think this is another topic that should have been discussed with me prior to the conversation taking place with the children.

So glad I still have the email I sent him back in Nov when I explained all of this.  He did what he always did and simply stopped the conversation back then.  With the Hopewalk (which thankfully got cancelled as the weather was appalling), it was an opportunity to slip it subtly into conversation.

And to ensure he’s got it in writing to show how wonderfully noble and true he is, I get:

The Children’s name change; moving to [my home town], Suicide are all instances where I have not been informed of nor kept in the loop.  Please ensure any adult conversations are discussed with me first.
Good moving forward there, honey!  The name change was a year ago.  Moving has not been brought up with the kids as a ‘this is going to happen’ scenario (more’s the pity) and suicide … well, I’ve already covered that.
20160525_085818.jpg

Perfect time to introduce this week’s recycling!  Hypocrite!

My lawyer has responded re spousal maintenance.  I like that, without knowing about AH’s $300/fortnight suggestion, he feels that we should ask for $200/wk based on the lack of income I have to support a household with 3 kids.  I’m going to say ‘go for it’.

I’ll also bring to his attention AH’s claimed “significant amount of flexibility”.  He had M11 for 1-on-1 last night and I have said that he now needs to get that child to school.  I’m not his safety net anymore.  If the job is that flexible, then to my [logical, female] mind, he could go in later and simply work later to make up the hours.  That’s flexi-hours!  No surprise to hear that he dropped M11 at ex-colleague’s house at 07:20 this morning.  M11 and their boy walked themselves to school.

Boss’ mate has been in touch and keen to catch up again.  The fact he’s not from round here is appealing.  The fact he knows my boss is not.  The fact he finds me attractive is.  Just going to wing it.  I’m still sorting myself out so aren’t after anything serious, and this is just that.

Nice to see you, Tuesday

Tuesday has long been my most disliked day of the week.  On Mondays, generally there still exists the high of the weekend and the day flies as you spend a large part of it discussing your and their weekends with friends/colleagues.  Wednesday = Hump Day and you know it’s on the downhill once it’s done.  Thurs is Friday Eve, and Friday, well, Friday needs no introduction.

But Tuesday was always just the *bleurgh* day that was as far away from the upcoming weekend as could be.

But Tuesday is now a happy day for me…

A school mum has started a yoga class right over the road from the kids’ school, right after the morning bell has gone.  I haven’t been to yoga since I was pregnant with Ms6 and I’ve missed it.  Whilst I struggle with the relaxation at the end (other women would be snoring away in their mini-coma, while my mind sprinted over the things I had to do that day), I loved the toning and extra flexibility it gave me, along with the simple awareness of breath!

breathe

So today was my 2nd class.  And it’s great.  She’s a wonderful teacher, there’s a really nice bunch of other mums and I’m getting some precious, much-needed “me” time into my life.  [Next step:  I might even read a book!  Not a self-help book or kid’s book.  An adult book for MEEEE!]

Work is busy on a Tuesday too, as I don’t usually work on a Monday, so it flies by.

And to top it off, I lose a child to AH for 1-on-1.  Now don’t jump to an incorrect conclusion (as AH invariably would).  I love my kids.  Above all else!  But I’m finding that when it goes down to 2, they’re nicer to, and support, the other.  They go out of their way to help.  They laugh more.  And if they’re doing that, the knock-on effect is that so will I.

So I no longer hate Tuesdays.  I might even look forward to them if this keeps up 🙂

Positives:

  1. yoga – no pain, no gain, right?!
  2. AH emailing before 9 am to ask if he can drop M11 back to me at 7.30 tomorrow after his 1-on-1  (he won’t have his car as it’s being fixed apparently … why he’d book it in when he’s got to drop a kid to school, I don’t know).  But I stick to my guns and say I haven’t yet finished considering the options he put on the table so he’ll need to find an alternative, as I had said last week; and
  3. thunder and lightening again tonight.  Can’t be beat a good storm (well, so long as you’re inside with the fire roaring!).

Succumbed

Tonight, I did it.  With snow falling in the South Island and on the ranges nearby, the fire is going for the first time this year.  I’ve held out for as long as I can – not because I don’t like heat.  Far from it.  But once you start lighting it, you can’t stop … and it took so long to get all my wood stacked that I feel I’m ruining a piece of art by taking wood out of it again.

Stewed on my answer to AH re buying him out of this house.  Felt he missed two important possibilities: ones that would mean that he could be removed from the mortgage immediately and I could remortgage at the cheaper rate, ie no longer under his control:

You missed:
5. You pay your half share of the loan to [my parents] immediately
6.  You sign [it] over to me as there was no equity in it when we made gentleman’s agreement last year

He responds:

Point 5 is tied up in RP and will be settled on the sale of the [London] Flat along with the other debts – otherwise we sell [it] and settle all debts as I suggested.

Point 6 is incorrect as we have always had equity in the property and the property is worth a lot more now with prices in [the area] on the rise. I wont be signing over the property to you.

I do the calculations.  If we simply use the value of this house when he left, less the mortgage and the loan to my parents, we’d each walk away with a $10k-ish share.  So I suggest that he pay his half share of my parents’ loan, I’ll pay him out based on those figures (the student loan, credit card debt can be left to come off London once sold).  This way, he’s released from liability and can stop pressuring me.

I also point out that his #2 option is not an option (“The kids need stability and [my house] gives them that. I am surprised you’d even suggest it as it shows no regard for their well-being”).

He simply tells me that “option 3 might work better for me” – but even if I agree to this, he won’t sign new mortgage documentation.

And now I’m in a quandry.  #3 makes me feel like I’d be pimping myself out.  He knows money is tight and that I quite like financial security … and eating … and paying the power bill …  It is also clear his work hours are not as flexible as he has implied to his lawyer so I’d still be his safety net … which I DON’T want to be anymore.

BUT … that $300/fortnight in would be a lot more than I’d save by changing mortgage provider.

So is it a case of cutting off my nose to spite my face?  Will pride make me make a bad choice?  If I say yes, am I his bitch?  Do I force him to step up and co-parent, at the expense of money that would come in handy?  Do I forward it to my lawyer as, if he’s able to fork out $150/wk ‘just like that’, I think he should be able to pay some spousal maintenance!?

Decisions!  Decisions!

Positives:

  1. toasty warm fire blazing (and I did it all myself: arranging for it to be chopped, stacking, cutting kindling);
  2. cleared some of the blocked guttering so there’s not a tidal wave coming over it tonight;
  3. clean lounge.  <I’m so sad :)>

Bye bye weekend

Having a free Saturday was bizarre!  Felt I got much more done.  Had swapped my 1-on-1 with Ms6 for the Fri so that I could go see a renowned NZ-musician at the local pub.  AH arrived to pick her up after M9 had finished his football.  They were heading back to that pitch as AH had agreed to pick up the son of the latest bit of fluff he’s moving in on … as she had to take her girls to netball/other son swimming.  Good Lord.  If you can’t get your kid to their sport, first point of call is someone else in the team.  As it is, my kids have to spend more time on the sideline watching her kid, instead of having some quality time with their dad (but let’s be honest, throwing them in front of screen is hardly ‘quality’).

Call them to say goodnight just before leaving for the gig.  M11 is wanting to get comics but AH is saying he doesn’t want him getting them.  I say I have no issue with comics (I read Asterix, Tintin, Mad and Archie and, other than unable to stay married, I turned out perfectly fine haha).  If AH has an issue, he’ll need to put that on a list for us to discuss – not put M11 in the middle.  As I talk to the other two, I hear AH telling M11 off for bringing it up with me.

M9 asks if they can stay later tomorrow so he can cook eggs with AH.  Say no.  It’s my time and I want them back.  If he wants AH to teach him how to poach eggs, he has all day next Saturday to do that [if he’s not having to babysit new woman’s kids of course].

As it’s almost 8 pm, I ask if they’re going to bed soon. AH says “no, about to order pizza and chicks” loud enough for me to hear, and gets M9 to repeat it.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that man is ALL CLASS!

Great concert.  Had a foolproof plan to make sure I didn’t do any drunken dials to AH or his family at the end of the night.  Took the home phone with me and left it behind the bar :).  Didn’t need it as: (a) I don’t want to do that shit anymore; (b) didn’t get to that state and (c) I had no reason to.  I’ve accepted that he’s an ass and his family will never acknowledge that it takes two to tango.

Threw a little caution to the wind and had my boss’ mate come keep me company afterwards (no, he’s not from here so not a school dad nor does he even know anyone I know other than my boss).  He’s been keen since he met me when I first started there.  Wants me to go away tramping with him.  Wouldn’t look to something long-term but it’s nice to feel wanted.  Kicked him out before the kids got back.  And it’s been a long, lazy day since.

AH responds this evening with his options re this house:

1. You continue to meet all mortgage commitments as they stand
2. We sell [this house] and settle all debts; deal with the sale of London as it occurs & split the proceeds based on an agreed split
3. I will pay $300 per fortnight to cover part of the cost of the mortgage so that the children remain in the [my] property and you find some financial burden eased if you agree to pick up the children after school on Thursdays & Fridays & I’m allowed to drop the child I have on Wednesday morning between 7am & 8am at [this house]
4. We default on the mortgaged and the bank comes after both of us.

Feel like a bit of a prostitute with #3.  I’d get paid to have the kids on his time so he can work at his job that’s supposedly ‘flexible’.

None of these options answer the original issue of wanting to get a cheaper mortgage rate right now.  How typical!

20160518_092348Forgot to post this from AH’s Wed recycling.  It still disappoints me that, when there’s so many good NZ wines here, they insist on drinking yarpie crap!  Come on, people!!  Sort it out!

Positives:

  1. seeing awesome Kiwi music locally;
  2. listening to a CD I’ve not played for ages and remembering how freakin wonderful it is (Odelay by Beck);
  3. getting a bunch of stuff onto the online auction site.  Need to declutter!
  4. M9 took off to AH’s again when he fought with M11.  I didn’t lose it when he got back.  Yay, me!