End of summer holidays

Today was the last official day of the holidays.  Had a quick 10-minute meeting with each of the kids’ teachers (M12 has the same teacher he had last year, and M10 has a teacher that M12 had 3 years ago, so only Ms7’s teacher was ‘new’).

It’s raining. Again.  #worstsummer.

I’ve lived in this area for 10 years.  This is the second crappiest summer I can remember.  We have one good day, then 3 crappy ones.  And what makes it worse, is that the rest of the country seems to be having sun and heat!

I think I suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder).  I need to feel the sun’s warmth on my body.  I need to spend some time just sitting, soaking up the rays (not too long, mind – despite what Trump thinks, there’s a hole in the ozone layer above NZ and our sun is strong!).

Normally, I love the holidays.  Chillin’ in the mornings with my babes, rather than the ‘rush, rush, rush’ to get out the door by 8.30.  We cruise down to the river/beach/park and just roll with what the day throws at us.  Because it normally throws lots and lots of sunshine.

We haven’t got down to the river once these holidays.  Not once!

Today, I’d organised for a few mums to meet at the local pub (with kids).  I needed to get out of the house and I needed a break from refereeing  the [what seems like constant] sibling battles.  Great ladies and great lunch.  A great way to just ‘breathe’.

Within half-an-hour of getting home, M10 deflects a soccer ball – right into his bedroom window … *tinkle, tinkle*.  Insurance excess is $400 so not worth going that route.  I’ve paid for new water bottles and lunchboxes for the kids, school shoes for M12 and Ms7, all their stationery … and need to get wood in for winter!

I just don’t need another reason to haemorrhage money.

As AH wants a cut of the profits reaped from me paying for and maintaining this place for the past 18 months, maybe he will pay a share of the repairs?? … I won’t hold my breath!

Roll on school tomorrow.  May the summer finally come, now the kids are back at school.  And may I be able to work more hours to pay for more soccer balls through windows!

Grateful for today:

  1. The company of good women;
  2. Hearing Ms7’s laugh during a Nerf war with M10 ; and
  3. Surviving 6 weeks of school holidays.

Needy

One of the things I questioned in a recent joint counselling was whether it was healthy for AH to call the kids as often as he does.  He ‘needs’ to speak to them every day.  I had to bring in a boundary that, on school nights, he not call after 18:30 (Ms7 goes to be at 19:00, with lights out at 19:30).  He was calling when she was already in bed and all it did was distress her and the boys; not what any of us needed right at bedtime.

When we were still together, my sister lived a couple of hours away and would occasionally have the boys for a few nights.  She asked that we call to do our good-nights before dinner, otherwise we put ourselves right at the forefront of their minds and it was harder for them to settle.  AH knows this.

Of course, AH brought my deadline up at counselling, attacking my ‘strict rule’ as simply another way to control.  Never any acknowledgement that it could be to reduce stress for the kids.

Despite him only not seeing the kids on Mon and Wed (and for me, it’s Thurs and Fri), I was disappointed that the counsellor said it was great he made contact every day. I love having days without him being part of my life.  Yes, appreciate it’s not about me but, before bringing this up at counselling, if the kids didn’t call him, there were days where there wasn’t that contact.  Now though, he’s making a bigger point of calling every day.  I noticed over the holidays he seemed to be putting a more emotive tone to these calls:  “I miss you so much”, “I can’t wait for you to get back” and the like.  If on speakerphone, there was a tone to his voice that was he was doing this purely to rile me.

After 3/4 weeks of this, I’m noticing the kids are also needier for that contact with him.  Where they could happily go for those two nights without wanting to call, they seem to stress if they haven’t spoken now.  I don’t know what has brought this change on but imagine there’s some behind-the-scenes manipulation going on.  I don’t want needy kids.  If they don’t talk to either of us in a day, it shouldn’t cause distress.  They should feel secure enough to know they’re still loved and thought-of, even if they don’t have some form of contact.  It was one of the reasons I stopped calling them on the nights I wasn’t with them.  I know they’re safe.  I know they’re having fun.  I would like to think they knew they were still loved, completely and utterly!

I bring this up as, despite speaking with all 3 kids last night (20 mins after the ‘deadline’, I might add, as he didn’t answer his mobile when M12 called him 3 times just on 18:30) … AH calls at 8 am this morning!!  No reason for the call.  He knows it’s still the holidays and we’d have been cruising (yes, I was still in bed!).  And he knows, with me asking the question at counselling, that I don’t think it’s beneficial for the kids.

But because it’s me who believes that, then of course he has a point to prove.  And damn any negative consequences for the kids.  Bitter little man.

reaction

Today, I am grateful for:

  1. spending time with my brother, his wife and kids (despite being in his 2nd year at university, my nephew has such patience with my 3 (who idolise him), as does his 14-year old sister);
  2. getting a hand-me-down GT bike for M12 from said nephew/niece; and
  3. M12 getting angry with me following a fight between him and M10 and my intervening to end it, but expressing his feelings so that we could talk through it.  Healthy debate and discussion is good / bottling and festering is not.

Raging

I mentioned I’m a bit concerned about the kids’ behaviours.  The boys, in particular.  Both incredibly lazy (like father, like son) but M12 is becoming quite the manipulator and M10 flies too easily into a rage.  Regrettably, as AH and I aren’t exactly ‘co-parenting’, the inconsistency between the houses mixed with his inability to view anything I say as actually being for the kids’ good, means it’s just getting worse.

This raised it’s head in the holidays with M12 having a “secret” with AH.  We’re not meant to have secrets between the houses, but M12 was adamant he couldn’t tell me what AH had told him.  Can’t believe M12 was put into that position so asked AH what the secret was.  After some time, he said he’d told M12 he could hit M10 back when M10 hits him. I’m not happy with this: I believe you can retaliate after the 2nd hit (the first might’ve been an accident).  But I’m also not happy as M12 often starts a fight with his words, knowing that M10 will come at him with his fists.  So he’s now been given permission to hit his brother and not get into trouble.  WTH?!

Get the boys back this morning and straight onto their phones they go.  Know they’ve had an overdose of screen so ask them both to put their phones in my room.  M12 does.  M10 tells me he’s put it into charge in their room.  15 mins later, Ms7 asks if she can go on the tablet as the boys are on their phones.  Deceitful little shits!

Ask the boys to bring me their phones right away.  And that’s all it takes for M10.  He’s blowing like Vesuvius.  FUMING that Ms7 narked on them but, in what is fast-becoming his typical fashion, refuses to acknowledge that he’s done anything wrong.  He grabs his Nerf gun and goes to Ms7 and shoots her point-blank in the face.

I send him outside to calm down and he takes off to a neighbours.  I already know, because of his retaliation, he’ll be banned from devices at mine this week (had he not shot Ms7, it’d just be for the day, but I think he’s getting away with blowing his top too often).  However, in an unusual step for me, I see that he’s probably had 3 late nights while with AH and that should sort of be factored in to his ‘punishment’ and text AH:

ban-1           ban-2

It took all my effort not to respond.  It would’ve been so easy….the words were right there!!

No dickwad.  A personal dig would be ‘you’re an arrogant, narcissistic, lazy, premature ejaculator with peanuts where a real man’s balls normally are’.

Instead, I chose to walk away!

So taking into account his late nights, the ban will end on Saturday morning, rather than Sunday.  M10 seems to understand that and, after a morning eeling with neighbours, seems a lot calmer already.

I wish AH could see that we need to be on the same page with these kids.  I wish he could see they need boundaries, structure and routines.  I know that those boundaries can be relaxed as they get older, show responsibility and earn more trust.   But right now, at their young ages, there should be consistency.  Unfortunately, we can’t even talk about it as he will always claim that I’m controlling … and I struggle to respect his parenting as he’s not yet shown that he can do it.  That’s harsh, I suppose: they’re fed (too much McD’s for my liking), dressed (though with M12 always being dressed in M10’s clothes, which are more often dirty, if I see them out) and loved.  But, but, but … it’s not to MY standard … in fact, it’s not the standards WE held while were together.  But considering he was pretty much an absent father for 6 years of that time while he full-time studied and worked, I suppose it was always MY standards that were set so high.

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Ms7 choosing to make dinner – a beautiful ham and peach salad;
  2. Cul-de-sac living: 4 houses of kids coming and going between the houses; and
  3. Getting some fabric cheap so Ms7 and I can do the mobile I said we’d do on Saturday (before realising, I didn’t have the right fabric on the day!).

Well-suited

Didn’t write yesterday as had an Arbonne skincare evening to go to, and ended up crashing at a friend’s. Managed to spend a few hours in the sun this morning, tidying up the front garden before getting my baby girl back for 1-on-1.  She had a tummy bug on Friday night (M12 had got it on Thursday morning) so was a little bit subdued but happy and her usual charming self.  A good day: all-in-all.

One hiccup.  Ms7 went to bring a bottle of Powerade with her when she came home.  She doesn’t usually get these – but AH decided it was a good option to rehydrate with it post-puking.  When he told me about it yesterday, I said nothing.  Kept my disapproving judgement to myself. Yes, it was good he was rehydrating … but with Powerade?!  I told Ms6 that she could give the drink back to AH as I had electrolytes at home.  He stands on the doorstep and starts yelling at me:

“You’re being ridiculous.  You’re being ridiculous”.

Call back that “it’s been delightful as always” and leave it at that.  He is, without a shadow of a doubt, insane!  Why did he feel the need to say anything at all?  

Grateful for today:

  1. Having Ms7 back and no sign of the bug;
  2. Sunshine; and
  3. Poached eggs (Ms7’s choice for dinner).  Yum!

Ω Ω Ω

Today’s recap subject matter:  AH’s new ho-bag, I mean, friend…

Some 9 months ago, I had a feeling.  A very strong feeling.  AH had taken the kids to the new house of one of the chicks in the social group we used to hang with.  Apparently, her hubby was away at work.  I smelt BS.  Even M12 at the time said “I have a feeling [they] have separated”.  Turns out we were right.

A few days later, M12 is walking and sees AH driving with this chick back from the beach – no kids in sight.

I asked AH at that time if there was something going on and that he tells the kids before they heard it through the jungle drums.  He got angry and denied it.

When we returned to mediation, I asked him if he had let this chick’s ex know that something was going on.  His face showed his rage.  You see, this chick’s ex is a good friend of AH’s.  Probably one of his best friends that he’s made here.  Said there was nothing to tell, then threw in:

“You should try it sometime” [referring to getting laid … unaware I was getting the best I’d had from Mr Lee].

Since then, he’s lied to the kids about it, repeatedly telling them they’re ‘just friends’.

Yet a few weeks back, he sits the kids down and asks them:

“Are you happy that I’m with [skank]?”

[follows this with “Don’t tell Mama anything.  If she asks, tell her to call me”].

Why the need for the lies?

Oh perhaps because she was my friend.  Also perhaps because 3 months he ended our marriage, they were seen getting very cosy at the end of a party that her ex and I hadn’t bothered going to.

Now that toxic group all went away for New Years.  Dorrie is invited this year and calls me once they’re back.  Her and this chick [as much as I am leaning towards naming her Skank for the purposes of this blog, but that’s not going to help me get over the hurt … so will give it some thought] had had a chat.  Apparently, her hubby had cheated on her for over 3 years with an employee.  Apparently, she’s had a really hard time of it.  Apparently, AH and I were split when they got together.  Apparently, there’s nothing wrong with screwing a good mate’s ex.

Oh, that got to me!  The nerve of her!  She knows Dorrie can’t keep her trap shut so that conversation would feed back to me.  And she wanted people to feel sorry for HER?!

Why do some women do this?  Often, when cheated on, they go and shag someone who’s in a relationship.  So much for The Sisterhood!

So I decided to write her an email.  If I kept all the feelings internalised, it would eat me up.  I spoke to her ex first and I admire him: he’s not embarrassed by this development (which I am); he’s let go of the guilt; and he knows fully well he fucked things up.  Interestingly, he confronted AH months ago when he heard the rumours and is sad that 5 years of friendship is gone.  As the only email address I had for her was their joint email, checked she would see it.  He said to give it a go.

Drafted and re-drafted it.  Had decided I’d be sending a copy to my parents and to AH’s auntie as I can’t keep taking these things on by myself while he portrays himself as a saint.  Knew I’d also be sending it to our counsellor so was very mindful of what to put in, and what to leave out.

And it did feel better after sending it.  It was a cathartic release.  Does it mean I’m ok with it?  No, it bloody doesn’t?  I can’t put my finger on why … jealous that he’s moved on? (no, I believe men do this quicker as they’re needier for parenting help).  Anger at her? (yes, but I know how disappointed she’s going to be so this should make me giggle more than anything).  I know that I am peeved that how easy this is for them as she was a friend and has known these kids for years so there isn’t that awkwardness of introducing a stranger as the new person in his life … and I hated hearing that she did baking with Ms7 the other day.  That’s my job!!  Yes, I know, I know … that is something I definitely need to let go of.  It’s only going to get worse.

I’ve heard from a few people that it’s not going great already.  Given the tone of his communications, he definitely doesn’t seem to be relaxed and she isn’t bringing any voice of reason to the table.  In fact, they’re the worst they’ve been for ages (so much so, I have emailed my lawyer this week that I want a protection order issued).  Knowing it’s already shaky does please me.  But why should I care?  End of the day, they’ve both showed they have no morals.  Men won’t want AH around their wives as he’s now on the second one from that one group.  Women won’t want her around their hubbies either.  Yes, they’re well-suited, that’s for sure.

Catching up

I have so much to recap.  But how to do it all without writing a 5-page blog?  Well, I can’t.   So, I’ll take on some of the story-writing skills that my young ‘uns are being taught.

Over the next few days, my aim is to dedicate a page to a variety of topics, such as:

  • counselling
  • Xmas/New Year
  • relationship property
  • protection order
  • kids’ behaviours
  • moving from this toxic place
  • his ‘friend’
  • alcoholism.

I’m sure there’ll be more that will arise as my fingers start skimming over the keys.  I’ll also have to keep up with daily events so I don’t just create more backlog.

So, no pressure then 🙂

Today … Alcoholism!

My beautiful ex, AH, has spent the past couple of years letting all his family know that it was my drinking that caused the separation.  I can put my hands up and say, yes, I have drunk too much at times.  I can also say I’m not great at acknowledging my limits – there’s definitely a maturity that has passed me by on this – I CAN be a terrible drunk.  Feelings/emotions that I’ve kept to myself, come to the surface and, on occasion, this has ended badly, ie I’ve not held back letting people know my feelings.

AH has always neglected to let his team of flying monkeys know his part in this.  AH likes a drink.  He drinks them quick.  He down-trows and ends up, face-first, in bushes.  He’s spent many an hour with his head down the loo after over-indulging.  When I took 3 months off drinking, he struggled and would go out and catch up with a friend; coming home smelling like a brewery, slurring his words.  He got angry with me when, nearly one month into not drinking, he cracked a beer.  It was Christmas Eve.  I don’t begrudge that.  But I do when every time I turned around, his beer seemed to be in front of me.  When I mentioned it, I got a stroppy “well what I am meant to do with it”.  Such support!

When we were going through too many wines during the week (as is the way in this elitist, snobby, BS-filled community), I suggested we only drunk on Fri-Sun.  He’d come in from work on Monday and say he felt like a wine.  I needed no second asking.  Down to the shops he’d go, and back home he’d come with a smile on his face and a spring in his step.

I’m not blaming him.  I have choices – I always have had them.  I acknowledge that.

There’s been many accusations throwing at me over the past couple of years that my drinking is out-of-control.  I’ll try and put them all in a document.  Little does he know, that I don’t drink when I have the kids (MOSTLY!  During these school holidays, when at my parents, I’d had a drink with them at the end of a day – but it was all controlled).  Yet, still he goes on.

I wish he’d remember what his aunt told him:  When you point your finger at others, there’s 3 pointing back at you!  Aware of his narcissistic personality, I have tried to document his recycling each week.  Thankfully our company has now changed to fortnightly glass recycling so it’s a lot easier to show how much of his bin is filled with empties.

So I ask … who exactly has the problem here? (NB: The first photo is mine).

I went nearly a year without drinking wine as I found it mixed badly with the Citalopram (anti-depressants which I stay on as, when I go off them, my hair starts falling out again).  I don’t think he knows that either. Yet, the accusations go on.  And on.  And on!

Change the record, AH!  Stones & Glasshouses, me thinks!

Ω Ω Ω

Kids have gone back to AH today.  M12 (yes, he’s had his birthday during my disappearance) wasn’t feeling well this morning so I’m relieved that it’s AH’s time.  I need the hours at work, as it’s school holidays.  Thankfully, I have an extremely tolerant boss who has let me take the kids in/schedule my work around their needs.

I’m actually feeling exhausted by them at the moment.  They’ve changed since I went away for Xmas and I’m concerned.  There’s a real ‘victim’ mentality coming through them all – a complete lack of responsibility and accountability (jeez, I wonder where they’ve got that from).  And the laziness.  Oh, the laziness!!  This sense of entitlement that they have; that they don’t need to do anything around the house and I’m there just to clean up their crap.  Is it just my guys?  I suppose it’s another of the downfalls of the separation: different houses and rules.  Whilst AH agreed with boundaries and routines while we were together … it’s much easier now to give unlimited screentime, no chores, be unaware of manipulative behaviours, etc  … 😦

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Reading SS’s post and feeling that kinship again;
  2. Having the house to myself; and
  3. Baths!

Hiatus or Hibernation

Hi.

Tonight is the first time in months since I’ve come onto the site.  I don’t know why.  I couldn’t handle it.  I couldn’t bring myself to look at others’ grief or happiness.  And I couldn’t bring myself to let my feelings out.

It’s been a fucking hard few months.  I think the lows have well-and-truly outweighed the highs.  I know I must focus on those highs but the emotions that have been brought to the surface … hell’s teeth!  Thank gawd I’m a strong chick.

I’ve been completely aware that, given the vile separation journey I am still travelling nearly two years on, it was vital that I keep a diary of what I had done and, more importantly, what had been done to me.  And the longer I didn’t do that, the harder it became.  Yet, did that make a jot of difference to me.  No siree!  Heaps of other time-wasting techniques that pushed it further down the priority list.

Tonight, that changes.  New year, new routine.  I must make the time and energy to do whatever it takes to protect me and put myself first.  Oxygen on the plane, right!

So head is now firmly pulled of out the sand.  I’m back and have many stories to tell.

Starting tomorrow …

Happy 2017 to y’all.

procrastination