Another ūüí°

Oh, they’re coming thick and fast now!

Last Tues, when my parents were down and AH turned up at Ms7’s dance to take her to 1-on-1, then ended up scarpering really quickly without her …

He took off at great pace so he didn’t risk facing my parents. ¬†Me going to the car to get her uniform and schoolbag freaked him out as the clock tick … tocked … tick … tocked … and my parents slowly edged their way to the exit from the other side of the studio.

He knows they don’t buy his ‘act’ anymore. ¬†They’ve seen through him.

And he wouldn’t have been able to look them in the eyes.

Luckily, the CCTV captured the exact moment he realised he had to¬†move fast …

chicken

ūüí°

Had a bit of a moment today…

I had a great session with my counsellor on Friday. ¬†I hadn’t been back for ages; not for a lack of desire, just a lack of funds.

By ‘great’, I actually mean I spent pretty much the whole hour in tears. ¬†With Mum and Papa leaving the previous day and AH’s on-going shitty behaviour, I was already somewhat emotional so it wasn’t going to take much to set me off.

Had a bit of a breakthrough with her: ¬†My perception of myself is fairly harsh. ¬†Throughout the relationship with AH, I would tell others he was the nice one and I was the bitch (My! ¬†How that table has turned). ¬†With the separation and his hooking up with a mum who has a ‘lovely’ reputation, I’m analysing myself more than ever. ¬†It’s at the stage¬†where I question everything: “is this the real me, or am I doing [x] purely to enhance how I’m viewed”. ¬†At some stage of my past, I¬†started to truly believe I was a bitch who would never do anything good for others. ¬†She tried to get me to pinpoint where this came from … and I seriously can’t. ¬†I know it wasn’t primary school (where I was every teacher’s pet). ¬†It may have been when alcohol became more involved.

I can now see not being too in touch with certain feelings probably gave a heightened impression of being a bitch Рwhen actually what I was/am is hurt, jealous, insecure and tired.  And, yes, drunk!

I have let my mind convince me that I’m a horrible person. ¬†I have repeated this mantra for so long, I believe it.

I have also repeated the mantra that I am to blame for breaking my kids’ hearts. ¬†And my mind also believes that firmly now too.

So it is time to re-wire those neural connections. ¬†To stop doubting myself (perhaps, a result of the last 16 years of subtle gaslighting) and to start remembering that I’m a good¬†person. ¬†I do good things for others because it’s the right thing to do; it has nothing to do with enhancing¬†judgements¬†others have.

imag 3

Self-love is needed. ¬†It’s never been something I’ve been good at but if my kids are to grow up resilient and believing in themselves, they need to see that from me.

All that from 1 hour of counselling! ¬†Man, she’s good ūüôā

Grateful for:

  1. my awesome neighbour who has saved me about $300 by fixing the faults in my car;
  2. great yoga session; and
  3. post-dinner bike ride with M12 and Ms7 (M10 on 1-on-1 with AH) … and no fights between them ūüôā

Ripped off

It feels like today should be Sunday, not Monday. ¬†It feels like I’ve been ripped off by a day.

days

Had M12 for 1-on-1 on Friday, rather than Saturday, as we were off to Twenty One Pilots. ¬†I got him a ticket for his birthday so it’s been a long wait. ¬†Their music is ok, so my expectations for the concert weren’t high. ¬†BUT OMG!! ¬†They¬†were fantastic. ¬†They truly entertained!

I got general admission tickets as I don’t like sitting for concerts. ¬†M12 spent a fair bit of time at the start saying he wanted to be in the seats but, thankfully, once TOP came on, he seemed to get it – especially when the singer got into a human hamster ball and rode on the raised hands of the pit crowd. ¬†He had a blast.

Day to myself on Saturday.  Had planned to go into a street festival in town but saw the bank balance and decided belt needed tightening.

Got the kids back Sunday morning. ¬†They’re all tired as they were at Skank’s the previous night, with AH drinking too much that they had to get a cab back to his. ¬†Ms7’s skin/eczema is bad (I text him to check that, when he got Skank to do his washing recently as his machine had broken down apparently, she used the right laundry power. ¬†I also checked if she had a dryer as he sent the kids uniforms back clean but wet. ¬†Infuriates me as I now have to use up electricity to dry them … and I wouldn’t do the same to him. ¬†He doesn’t answer the dryer question).

With my immediate neighbours, organised a street party for Neighbours Day for Sunday afternoon.  Thankfully the rain stopped so had a great afternoon.  The only upside of being in this community is being part of this street and people on it.

So a good weekend, but over too fast.

AH is still a dick, refusing to answer child-related questions. ¬†With my¬†having the kids for two of his days while we’re in Melbourne, they want to ensure he gets two of my days. ¬†I’d suggested the only two days he could have them during the school holidays and he, despite his ‘work is very flexible’ mantra, apparently can’t do either of them. ¬†He also emails, “this week and next week is going to be very busy work wise” – can I swap his kid-free weekend to next weekend. ¬†I’ve already organised M10’s friend to come for a sleepover on Saturday and we’re at the neighbours for dinner on Friday. ¬†No doubt, I’m a bitch for not saying yes and he’ll only believe that I’m trying to be difficult. ¬†Heaven forbid I actually make plans for when I have my kids!

Grateful for:

  1. good neighbours (needed to be at a meeting a school re M10, and she came to sit with Ms7);
  2. M12’s soccer teammate’s parents (who dropped him home after practice so I could go to the meeting); ¬†and
  3. my 3 gorgeous kids who did me proud at the street party yesterday.

Victim

[started this on Wednesday, but couldn’t finish due to tiredness]

I loved having my parents here. ¬†They¬†will be¬†there for me always. ¬†Papa has some seriously awesome DIY skills (he’s blue-collar [stainless steel, before it became cool]), financially savvy and cooks some mean meatballs. ¬†Mum can drive me nuts (now I have a Capricorn child, I can understand aspects of her more; she can’t do ‘comfortable silences’ which means she also struggles to understand me as I enjoy that peace, at times) but she has my back.

 

Mum reveals that part of the reason for them to come down is to look at local properties for sale with a view to buying one for me and the kids. ¬†Papa has done calculations comparing purchase prices over rateable value so think it a solution so I don’t have to stress about what AH is doing to me while we fight over the price of this house and split of relationship assets.

And I don’t know how to feel about that!! ¬†I’m not meant to be mid-40s, with my parents bailing me out. ¬†But more than that, ..

I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE!!!

I want to be closer to Mum and Papa, and family, and friends.  This place is too judgmental, and cliquey.

It still feels empty here now that they’ve gone. ¬†Can’t wait to see them in Melbourne in 3 weeks!

They got to hear¬†AH in his element. ¬†Watching tele on Tues with M12 on the couch. ¬†M10 says he asked if he could sit with us and apparently M12 said ‘no’, so he went to pat the cat and sit on the floor by Grandma. ¬†AH calls to say goodnight and, as soon as M10 gets on the phone, he starts crying. ¬†None of us know why but he’s upset about being told he couldn’t sit with us … YET WE NEVER HEARD HIM ASK!

This has nothing to do with¬†AH and it peeves me that M10 brings it up – if he’s been upset by how he’s been treated at AH’s in the past, generally I’ve pointed out that he’s on Daddy’s time and Daddy has dealt with it; it’s not my place to get involved (unless there’s physical violence). ¬†I wish AH would do the same.

But he doesn’t! ¬†As M10 puts the phone on speaker, we all hear him asking, “What happened then? ¬†And what did Mama say?”

Why does he even ask? ¬†It doesn’t concern him! ¬†He is simply playing into M10’s hands and nurturing that victim¬†mentality. ¬†Drives. Me. Nuts!!

Ms7 is playing with other kids on the street so doesn’t want to speak to AH when M12 goes down to get her. ¬†Next morning, as we’re walking to school, M12 makes Ms7 cry when he tells her, ‘you upset Daddy last night when you didn’t say goodnight’ (apparently, AH said he was sad when he passed on her message). ¬†Good God – he’s meant to be the grown-up. ¬†He’s not meant to be making the kids feel guilt for having fun!

It’s exhausting! ¬†It’s immature! ¬†It’s heartbreaking!

And he’s too stupid to even see it ūüė¶

 

2 years + 1 day

My parents planned to leave today.  My kids were on changeover.  I was meant to meet up with Mr Lee.

And my parents left today. ¬†My kids went to AH’s. ¬†I bailed from meeting up with Mr Lee.

So I’m sitting, just with my cat, on a Thurs night. ¬†First time it’s been me and him for a long time. ¬†I know why I usually have a busy Thurs¬†calendar … empty bed syndrome.

But this is worse.

Today is a sentimental day for me. ¬†It’s 2 years + 1 day since AH left this house. ¬†It’s 2 years + 1 day since we tore our … MY … kids’ hearts out and let them know we were separating. ¬†I can still vividly see their faces at the local park as we announced it. They crumpled.

And that is the image I can’t get rid of tonight. ¬†2 years + 1 day on.

I failed them.

2 years separated!

But unfortunately not 2 years free of him. ¬†More’s the pity.

We can now officially get divorced. ¬†He emails today to ask, “How do you wish to proceed?”. ¬†Smooth, AH. ¬†Real smoooooth. ¬†This, after he tried to get the marriage certificate underhandedly so that he could make a sole application which would result in me getting served at any time! ¬†My last lawyer’s letter said I would provide the certificate if a joint application was done. ¬†His lawyer’s reply didn’t even mention it.

My parents got here on Monday; not in time for school pick-up unfortunately but had 3 very surprised little ones when they heard Papa’s deep voice. ¬†Big cuddles all around.

It was great they could see Ms7 at her jazz class on Tues. ¬†I ducked out to the supermarket and when I got back at 4:05, felt sick to see AH there. ¬†It was Ms7’s 1-on-1 so figured he got there early to watch then would take her directly – so it was odd when we went to the car to get her uniform and school bag, he left without her. ¬†And without waiting to say ‘hi’ to my parents who he definitely would’ve seen through the studio windows. ¬†Papa didn’t want to go and say ‘hi’ to him either which is unusual for him. ¬†They have been very supportive of AH – they appreciate he is the father to the kids and will always be in all of our lives, and they’ve let him know this. ¬†But they’ve seen what he’s done and can’t believe his actions.

I took Ms7 to the pharmacy before school as she’s got a couple of skin ‘rashes’ and I wanted to know if they were school sores. ¬†Nup – he was sure they weren’t. ¬†No angry, red bits so he thought the infection had gone and they were just healing.

During jazz, AH texts me [yes, from one side of the studio to the other] asking if I’ve had the sore under her arm checked. ¬†An hour after he’s collected her for 1-on-1, another text:

[Ms7] has told me you’ve taken her to the chemist to get it checked. ¬†Did you show them the one by her virgina [sic!]?

WTH? ¬†Ms7 would’ve told him that it was checked as well. ¬†What was the point of the text?

He takes her to the emergency doctors before I’ve even responded. ¬†Ends up, chemist got it wrong and they ARE school sores. ¬†She’s back on meds for the week.

I question where he got her mattress from as there were no spots when she left on Thurs – it was only on Sun, once she got back from his, that she said it was sore and showed me (I’m able to get an immediate response when he calls me from the doctors to find out the name of the meds he got given a week or so ago¬†[new mattress, apparently]).

Sores.png

I’m keen to try and find potential sources for the sores as these kids have NEVER had them until the last few weeks. ¬†As I’ve mentioned before, I am concerned at the amount of illness they seem to be¬†attracting the past few months. ¬†They used to have great immune systems.

Clearly the “severe stress” they’re under is what’s messing with their systems.

That’s funny, as most people tell me how great the kids are and how well they seem to be getting through this horrible process.

Hardly signs of “severe stress”.

His comment “you can ask all the questions …” is vile. ¬†I’m the one who’s solely taken them to the doctors for the first 10/8/5 years of their lives. ¬†It implies I’m neglecting them which is exactly what he would’ve been aiming for. ¬†There was NO reason to take her this evening – it could’ve been done this morning. ¬†He will need to pay the charge … but he won’t. ¬†He’ll take it out of the joint account with no regard to my still outstanding debt.

And more on this tomorrow as my eyes are too heavy…

Adios, weekend!

In a blur,¬†another weekend bites the dust. ¬†Didn’t get half as much done that I needed to ¬†… but ticked some things off my list, so I’m taking that as a win ūüôā

Kids were met by the babysitter once they’d walked to AH’s after school again on Thurs. ¬†He definitely doesn’t seem to be getting the flexibility he claims his work gives him. ¬†Fri was St Patrick’s/Green Day at school (fundraiser for a local hospice that assisted a¬†teachers a few years back). ¬†AH calls first thing Thurs morn and, as the kids haven’t done all their jobs yet, he leaves a message asking them to bring green clothes for the following day.

The kids know I’m not keen. ¬†I’ve provided clothes for his place … and never seen them again. ¬†When I comment on it, he cares not a jot! ¬†He’s bought sod all clothes for them (thankfully, the new skank is giving her daughters’ hand-me-downs to AH, so at least I know Ms7¬†is dressed). ¬†I text him my concern:

GreenDay

AH earns 5 times more than me! ¬†If I notice clothes are needed, I buy them [when the sale hits, naturally. ¬†Scottish ancestry, after all]. ¬†I don’t have the funds to be the only person providing wardrobes for two houses.

I ask the kids to choose green clothes, asking they ensure they come back but say they’ll need to collect them after school – at least, I’ll get to see them when I normally wouldn’t.

I’d grabbed some activewear at a sale for Ms7 and got her to try it on when they came. ¬†Bought a size 7 and an 8 to see which was better, with a view to returning the other.

Ms7 calls me on Friday afternoon asking if she could come collect her new activewear. ¬†I’ve not yet washed it (and don’t want it going to AH’s) so say she can’t. ¬†She’s upset. ¬†Told you I was a Mean Mama! ¬†Had a brainwave though so suggested AH buy from me the set I was going to take back. ¬†Rather than put her in the middle, I get¬†AH on. ¬†He didn’t even ask how much they’d be … just not¬†interested. ¬†The hatred towards me far overrides his daughter’s request. ¬†She’s still harping on about them on Saturday; wanting to know how much they’d be (and because of all the grief he’s given me, he can pay the full price, not the sale price!). ¬†He doesn’t bother to even let me know if he’ll take them or not. ¬†It’s not until today, when I get Ms7 back, does she tell me that AH has said he’ll got out and buy her gear.

Had M10 for 1-on-1 last night. ¬†He was shattered. ¬†Apparently skank [must think of new name], Grolsh and Sputnik were round for a BBQ so they didn’t go to bed until 10pm. ¬†Ms7 and M12 are dropped back 15 mins late this morning … it’s happening every week and I’m getting a bit peeved. ¬†Know it’s only ¬ľ-an-hour, but it’s¬†the principle ….

Nice day with the kids. ¬†My parents are coming for a 3-night visit tomorrow so have tried to get the house looking less like a tip. ¬†Kids don’t know yet so hope they get here in time for school pick-up surprise.

Grateful for:

  1. Fun day in the sun with the kids listening to live music today;
  2. Kids helping move firewood without any issue; and
  3. Broadchurch.