Another ūüí°

Oh, they’re coming thick and fast now!

Last Tues, when my parents were down and AH turned up at Ms7’s dance to take her to 1-on-1, then ended up scarpering really quickly without her …

He took off at great pace so he didn’t risk facing my parents. ¬†Me going to the car to get her uniform and schoolbag freaked him out as the clock tick … tocked … tick … tocked … and my parents slowly edged their way to the exit from the other side of the studio.

He knows they don’t buy his ‘act’ anymore. ¬†They’ve seen through him.

And he wouldn’t have been able to look them in the eyes.

Luckily, the CCTV captured the exact moment he realised he had to¬†move fast …

chicken

ūüí°

Had a bit of a moment today…

I had a great session with my counsellor on Friday. ¬†I hadn’t been back for ages; not for a lack of desire, just a lack of funds.

By ‘great’, I actually mean I spent pretty much the whole hour in tears. ¬†With Mum and Papa leaving the previous day and AH’s on-going shitty behaviour, I was already somewhat emotional so it wasn’t going to take much to set me off.

Had a bit of a breakthrough with her: ¬†My perception of myself is fairly harsh. ¬†Throughout the relationship with AH, I would tell others he was the nice one and I was the bitch (My! ¬†How that table has turned). ¬†With the separation and his hooking up with a mum who has a ‘lovely’ reputation, I’m analysing myself more than ever. ¬†It’s at the stage¬†where I question everything: “is this the real me, or am I doing [x] purely to enhance how I’m viewed”. ¬†At some stage of my past, I¬†started to truly believe I was a bitch who would never do anything good for others. ¬†She tried to get me to pinpoint where this came from … and I seriously can’t. ¬†I know it wasn’t primary school (where I was every teacher’s pet). ¬†It may have been when alcohol became more involved.

I can now see not being too in touch with certain feelings probably gave a heightened impression of being a bitch Рwhen actually what I was/am is hurt, jealous, insecure and tired.  And, yes, drunk!

I have let my mind convince me that I’m a horrible person. ¬†I have repeated this mantra for so long, I believe it.

I have also repeated the mantra that I am to blame for breaking my kids’ hearts. ¬†And my mind also believes that firmly now too.

So it is time to re-wire those neural connections. ¬†To stop doubting myself (perhaps, a result of the last 16 years of subtle gaslighting) and to start remembering that I’m a good¬†person. ¬†I do good things for others because it’s the right thing to do; it has nothing to do with enhancing¬†judgements¬†others have.

imag 3

Self-love is needed. ¬†It’s never been something I’ve been good at but if my kids are to grow up resilient and believing in themselves, they need to see that from me.

All that from 1 hour of counselling! ¬†Man, she’s good ūüôā

Grateful for:

  1. my awesome neighbour who has saved me about $300 by fixing the faults in my car;
  2. great yoga session; and
  3. post-dinner bike ride with M12 and Ms7 (M10 on 1-on-1 with AH) … and no fights between them ūüôā

Ripped off

It feels like today should be Sunday, not Monday. ¬†It feels like I’ve been ripped off by a day.

days

Had M12 for 1-on-1 on Friday, rather than Saturday, as we were off to Twenty One Pilots. ¬†I got him a ticket for his birthday so it’s been a long wait. ¬†Their music is ok, so my expectations for the concert weren’t high. ¬†BUT OMG!! ¬†They¬†were fantastic. ¬†They truly entertained!

I got general admission tickets as I don’t like sitting for concerts. ¬†M12 spent a fair bit of time at the start saying he wanted to be in the seats but, thankfully, once TOP came on, he seemed to get it – especially when the singer got into a human hamster ball and rode on the raised hands of the pit crowd. ¬†He had a blast.

Day to myself on Saturday.  Had planned to go into a street festival in town but saw the bank balance and decided belt needed tightening.

Got the kids back Sunday morning. ¬†They’re all tired as they were at Skank’s the previous night, with AH drinking too much that they had to get a cab back to his. ¬†Ms7’s skin/eczema is bad (I text him to check that, when he got Skank to do his washing recently as his machine had broken down apparently, she used the right laundry power. ¬†I also checked if she had a dryer as he sent the kids uniforms back clean but wet. ¬†Infuriates me as I now have to use up electricity to dry them … and I wouldn’t do the same to him. ¬†He doesn’t answer the dryer question).

With my immediate neighbours, organised a street party for Neighbours Day for Sunday afternoon.  Thankfully the rain stopped so had a great afternoon.  The only upside of being in this community is being part of this street and people on it.

So a good weekend, but over too fast.

AH is still a dick, refusing to answer child-related questions. ¬†With my¬†having the kids for two of his days while we’re in Melbourne, they want to ensure he gets two of my days. ¬†I’d suggested the only two days he could have them during the school holidays and he, despite his ‘work is very flexible’ mantra, apparently can’t do either of them. ¬†He also emails, “this week and next week is going to be very busy work wise” – can I swap his kid-free weekend to next weekend. ¬†I’ve already organised M10’s friend to come for a sleepover on Saturday and we’re at the neighbours for dinner on Friday. ¬†No doubt, I’m a bitch for not saying yes and he’ll only believe that I’m trying to be difficult. ¬†Heaven forbid I actually make plans for when I have my kids!

Grateful for:

  1. good neighbours (needed to be at a meeting a school re M10, and she came to sit with Ms7);
  2. M12’s soccer teammate’s parents (who dropped him home after practice so I could go to the meeting); ¬†and
  3. my 3 gorgeous kids who did me proud at the street party yesterday.

Victim

[started this on Wednesday, but couldn’t finish due to tiredness]

I loved having my parents here. ¬†They¬†will be¬†there for me always. ¬†Papa has some seriously awesome DIY skills (he’s blue-collar [stainless steel, before it became cool]), financially savvy and cooks some mean meatballs. ¬†Mum can drive me nuts (now I have a Capricorn child, I can understand aspects of her more; she can’t do ‘comfortable silences’ which means she also struggles to understand me as I enjoy that peace, at times) but she has my back.

 

Mum reveals that part of the reason for them to come down is to look at local properties for sale with a view to buying one for me and the kids. ¬†Papa has done calculations comparing purchase prices over rateable value so think it a solution so I don’t have to stress about what AH is doing to me while we fight over the price of this house and split of relationship assets.

And I don’t know how to feel about that!! ¬†I’m not meant to be mid-40s, with my parents bailing me out. ¬†But more than that, ..

I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE!!!

I want to be closer to Mum and Papa, and family, and friends.  This place is too judgmental, and cliquey.

It still feels empty here now that they’ve gone. ¬†Can’t wait to see them in Melbourne in 3 weeks!

They got to hear¬†AH in his element. ¬†Watching tele on Tues with M12 on the couch. ¬†M10 says he asked if he could sit with us and apparently M12 said ‘no’, so he went to pat the cat and sit on the floor by Grandma. ¬†AH calls to say goodnight and, as soon as M10 gets on the phone, he starts crying. ¬†None of us know why but he’s upset about being told he couldn’t sit with us … YET WE NEVER HEARD HIM ASK!

This has nothing to do with¬†AH and it peeves me that M10 brings it up – if he’s been upset by how he’s been treated at AH’s in the past, generally I’ve pointed out that he’s on Daddy’s time and Daddy has dealt with it; it’s not my place to get involved (unless there’s physical violence). ¬†I wish AH would do the same.

But he doesn’t! ¬†As M10 puts the phone on speaker, we all hear him asking, “What happened then? ¬†And what did Mama say?”

Why does he even ask? ¬†It doesn’t concern him! ¬†He is simply playing into M10’s hands and nurturing that victim¬†mentality. ¬†Drives. Me. Nuts!!

Ms7 is playing with other kids on the street so doesn’t want to speak to AH when M12 goes down to get her. ¬†Next morning, as we’re walking to school, M12 makes Ms7 cry when he tells her, ‘you upset Daddy last night when you didn’t say goodnight’ (apparently, AH said he was sad when he passed on her message). ¬†Good God – he’s meant to be the grown-up. ¬†He’s not meant to be making the kids feel guilt for having fun!

It’s exhausting! ¬†It’s immature! ¬†It’s heartbreaking!

And he’s too stupid to even see it ūüė¶

 

2 years + 1 day

My parents planned to leave today.  My kids were on changeover.  I was meant to meet up with Mr Lee.

And my parents left today. ¬†My kids went to AH’s. ¬†I bailed from meeting up with Mr Lee.

So I’m sitting, just with my cat, on a Thurs night. ¬†First time it’s been me and him for a long time. ¬†I know why I usually have a busy Thurs¬†calendar … empty bed syndrome.

But this is worse.

Today is a sentimental day for me. ¬†It’s 2 years + 1 day since AH left this house. ¬†It’s 2 years + 1 day since we tore our … MY … kids’ hearts out and let them know we were separating. ¬†I can still vividly see their faces at the local park as we announced it. They crumpled.

And that is the image I can’t get rid of tonight. ¬†2 years + 1 day on.

I failed them.

2 years separated!

But unfortunately not 2 years free of him. ¬†More’s the pity.

We can now officially get divorced. ¬†He emails today to ask, “How do you wish to proceed?”. ¬†Smooth, AH. ¬†Real smoooooth. ¬†This, after he tried to get the marriage certificate underhandedly so that he could make a sole application which would result in me getting served at any time! ¬†My last lawyer’s letter said I would provide the certificate if a joint application was done. ¬†His lawyer’s reply didn’t even mention it.

My parents got here on Monday; not in time for school pick-up unfortunately but had 3 very surprised little ones when they heard Papa’s deep voice. ¬†Big cuddles all around.

It was great they could see Ms7 at her jazz class on Tues. ¬†I ducked out to the supermarket and when I got back at 4:05, felt sick to see AH there. ¬†It was Ms7’s 1-on-1 so figured he got there early to watch then would take her directly – so it was odd when we went to the car to get her uniform and school bag, he left without her. ¬†And without waiting to say ‘hi’ to my parents who he definitely would’ve seen through the studio windows. ¬†Papa didn’t want to go and say ‘hi’ to him either which is unusual for him. ¬†They have been very supportive of AH – they appreciate he is the father to the kids and will always be in all of our lives, and they’ve let him know this. ¬†But they’ve seen what he’s done and can’t believe his actions.

I took Ms7 to the pharmacy before school as she’s got a couple of skin ‘rashes’ and I wanted to know if they were school sores. ¬†Nup – he was sure they weren’t. ¬†No angry, red bits so he thought the infection had gone and they were just healing.

During jazz, AH texts me [yes, from one side of the studio to the other] asking if I’ve had the sore under her arm checked. ¬†An hour after he’s collected her for 1-on-1, another text:

[Ms7] has told me you’ve taken her to the chemist to get it checked. ¬†Did you show them the one by her virgina [sic!]?

WTH? ¬†Ms7 would’ve told him that it was checked as well. ¬†What was the point of the text?

He takes her to the emergency doctors before I’ve even responded. ¬†Ends up, chemist got it wrong and they ARE school sores. ¬†She’s back on meds for the week.

I question where he got her mattress from as there were no spots when she left on Thurs – it was only on Sun, once she got back from his, that she said it was sore and showed me (I’m able to get an immediate response when he calls me from the doctors to find out the name of the meds he got given a week or so ago¬†[new mattress, apparently]).

Sores.png

I’m keen to try and find potential sources for the sores as these kids have NEVER had them until the last few weeks. ¬†As I’ve mentioned before, I am concerned at the amount of illness they seem to be¬†attracting the past few months. ¬†They used to have great immune systems.

Clearly the “severe stress” they’re under is what’s messing with their systems.

That’s funny, as most people tell me how great the kids are and how well they seem to be getting through this horrible process.

Hardly signs of “severe stress”.

His comment “you can ask all the questions …” is vile. ¬†I’m the one who’s solely taken them to the doctors for the first 10/8/5 years of their lives. ¬†It implies I’m neglecting them which is exactly what he would’ve been aiming for. ¬†There was NO reason to take her this evening – it could’ve been done this morning. ¬†He will need to pay the charge … but he won’t. ¬†He’ll take it out of the joint account with no regard to my still outstanding debt.

And more on this tomorrow as my eyes are too heavy…

Adios, weekend!

In a blur,¬†another weekend bites the dust. ¬†Didn’t get half as much done that I needed to ¬†… but ticked some things off my list, so I’m taking that as a win ūüôā

Kids were met by the babysitter once they’d walked to AH’s after school again on Thurs. ¬†He definitely doesn’t seem to be getting the flexibility he claims his work gives him. ¬†Fri was St Patrick’s/Green Day at school (fundraiser for a local hospice that assisted a¬†teachers a few years back). ¬†AH calls first thing Thurs morn and, as the kids haven’t done all their jobs yet, he leaves a message asking them to bring green clothes for the following day.

The kids know I’m not keen. ¬†I’ve provided clothes for his place … and never seen them again. ¬†When I comment on it, he cares not a jot! ¬†He’s bought sod all clothes for them (thankfully, the new skank is giving her daughters’ hand-me-downs to AH, so at least I know Ms7¬†is dressed). ¬†I text him my concern:

GreenDay

AH earns 5 times more than me! ¬†If I notice clothes are needed, I buy them [when the sale hits, naturally. ¬†Scottish ancestry, after all]. ¬†I don’t have the funds to be the only person providing wardrobes for two houses.

I ask the kids to choose green clothes, asking they ensure they come back but say they’ll need to collect them after school – at least, I’ll get to see them when I normally wouldn’t.

I’d grabbed some activewear at a sale for Ms7 and got her to try it on when they came. ¬†Bought a size 7 and an 8 to see which was better, with a view to returning the other.

Ms7 calls me on Friday afternoon asking if she could come collect her new activewear. ¬†I’ve not yet washed it (and don’t want it going to AH’s) so say she can’t. ¬†She’s upset. ¬†Told you I was a Mean Mama! ¬†Had a brainwave though so suggested AH buy from me the set I was going to take back. ¬†Rather than put her in the middle, I get¬†AH on. ¬†He didn’t even ask how much they’d be … just not¬†interested. ¬†The hatred towards me far overrides his daughter’s request. ¬†She’s still harping on about them on Saturday; wanting to know how much they’d be (and because of all the grief he’s given me, he can pay the full price, not the sale price!). ¬†He doesn’t bother to even let me know if he’ll take them or not. ¬†It’s not until today, when I get Ms7 back, does she tell me that AH has said he’ll got out and buy her gear.

Had M10 for 1-on-1 last night. ¬†He was shattered. ¬†Apparently skank [must think of new name], Grolsh and Sputnik were round for a BBQ so they didn’t go to bed until 10pm. ¬†Ms7 and M12 are dropped back 15 mins late this morning … it’s happening every week and I’m getting a bit peeved. ¬†Know it’s only ¬ľ-an-hour, but it’s¬†the principle ….

Nice day with the kids. ¬†My parents are coming for a 3-night visit tomorrow so have tried to get the house looking less like a tip. ¬†Kids don’t know yet so hope they get here in time for school pick-up surprise.

Grateful for:

  1. Fun day in the sun with the kids listening to live music today;
  2. Kids helping move firewood without any issue; and
  3. Broadchurch.

Happy anniversary

To me (and AH, I suppose)! ¬†Thought about texting him but wouldn’t be able to stop myself from saying ‘I hope he’s having a romantic meal for it’ [as I have the kids, he will either be with the new skank or with his brother … either way, with his true loves!].

It would’ve been 14 years married. ¬†But it’s not to be. ¬†I don’t feel sad about the loss of him – but I do feel sad for the loss of the family unit. ¬†I still wish my kids weren’t part of a ‘broken family ‘and I know they still hold out hope for us getting back together. ¬†Will that feeling ever leave me, or them?!

Even as I listen to our first dance, still no tears about the demise of the marriage. ¬†I still love the song – that will never change – I loved it before he even came on the scene. ¬†I remember when I broke up with my first true love, there were so many Radiohead and Nick Cave songs that I could not listen to without bursting into tears. ¬†For many years!! ¬†Thankfully, not so for Neil …

Normally, our anniversary would’ve been fairly disappointing: I’d organise an easy, meal for when the kids were in bed (probably a takeaway as not keen for either of us to cook, but I’d sort an entree and dessert); we’d been doing a joint present for a few years (to: a) save money; and b) because he was rubbish at coming up with a great present) but it was down to me to find something and get it; lots of wine; listening to CDs; and probably one of the few bonks of the year.

I realise I sound very negative as I type this – but it had got to this stage. ¬†His laziness had made him less attractive to me. ¬† During his study, we had got to a stage of him going to bed early, and me going to bed very late and I know I got comfortable with my own company. ¬†At the end of the study, that didn’t get addressed. ¬†So we stuck in that groove.

Oh, Hindsight! ¬†If only you could be bought by the bottle ūüôā

It’s a lovely easy dinner with the kids and I’m glad I’ve got them with me tonight. ¬†Whilst I still love my own company, I don’t think I’m ready for it on this ominous day. ¬†I look forward to when it can simply be 15 March. ¬†Just another day.

Grateful for today:

  1. The marriage mightn’t have survived but I am so grateful for the three little people that came out of it;
  2. Dorrie coming to pick up her kids today and letting me know that I’m no longer the topic of conversation [FINALLY!]. ¬†Rumours now abound about another dad and mum from that social group having an affair; and
  3. Frankfurters, mash and sauerkraut for dinner (I’m easily pleased … lol!).

Mean Mama

M12 is not happy with me.  Again.

Last night, he and M10 snuck their phones into bed with them. ¬†And they got … surprise surprise … BUSTED!

So they’ve lost them for today.

M12 feels he should have his as he’s off to AH’s for 1-on-1. ¬†“But what if I need to call you?” (‘then use Daddy’s phone’). ¬†“What if you want to call me?” (‘I will call on Daddy’s phone’). ¬†“What if …? ¬†What if …?”. ¬†I admire his persistence but would prefer that he owned what he did when he took the phone from my room. ¬†There’s consequences for our¬†actions. ¬†Good choices are important. ¬†Please, my boy!

That’s the worst thing about 2 houses: the conflicting¬†parenting. ¬†I know I’m the firmer parent. ¬†I know I¬†remove privileges where he won’t. ¬†I know the boys don’t like it … but I don’t believe there’s any benefit to my relaxing my boundaries and house rules as to what is acceptable and what is not. ¬†My kids will simply go through the next few years believing their are no repercussions to their actions.

And god knows, there’s enough kids around there who already believe this.

Absolutely no contact from AH today :). ¬†I notice he’s paid the outstanding fees for M10’s hip-hop (there’s nothing in the incidentals’ account and I’m still due reimbursement of about $150). ¬†I know I should be happy that he’s paid it without recourse to me …. but it’s the fact he’s got $120 to drop, without¬†hesitation. ¬†It’s the fact that he’ll tell the kids, ‘it’s ok, Daddy sorted it’ so he’s the hero.

And I remain Mean Mama.

Heard this quote on the tele this evening.  How true!

zsa Grateful for today:

  1. Ms7 taking the initiative to write me a shopping list;
  2. Extra duvets.  Today has got COLD!; and
  3. Minecraft club – the boys love it.

So it begins

Today is the day I instructed my lawyer to file proceedings. ¬†Nearly 2 years to the date of separation – in fact, he had already called it off, though we still cohabitated and kept it from the kids for 2 more weeks. ¬†And in keeping with the theme of “2” … in 2 more days, it would’ve been our 14th wedding anniversary.

The decision will no longer be in my hands. ¬†I¬†must trust my lawyers to give me the advice to ensure this doesn’t bite me in the arse. ¬†I must trust that AH’s lies¬†will shine through. ¬†My future is¬†unknown and that scares me a little. ¬†I have to put faith in me and faith in the system.

fear-2.jpg

The only contact with him today is when he calls to say goodnight, though Ms7 was at the neighbours. ¬†He asked M10 to put me on¬†[cue: guts turn!]. ¬†I’m busy clearing dishes and doing dinner so not got the time – especially when all he wanted was to ask Ms7 to call him when she got home. ¬†THE BOYS COULD’VE PASSED THAT MESSAGE ON!!

Ms7 gets back right on dinner time and M12 tells her Daddy wants her to call*. ¬†After dinner, she and M10 go for a bike ride, while M12 and I have a ‘discussion’: we’d had issues¬†when he got back from his dog-walking and his bike had failed. ¬†Rather than think calmly (eg Mama will sort this, it’s fixable), he’s wanting to throw the bike away. ¬†It’s the resilience vs quitting/victim mentality. ¬†He refuses to hear¬†reason and starts throwing the old (“I’ll live with Daddy”) and the new (“I feel unsafe” … which I questioned and suggested he call the police if I was truly making him feel unsafe. ¬†He did not). ¬†Apparently I’m ‘a liar’, when I ask him for more details. ¬†He is SO his-father’s son, as AH always could throw accusations but was never particularly good at backing them up or giving actual evidence.

I can only hope AH will be the same in court.

Today, I am grateful for:

  1. Clean floors;
  2. Having a proper discussion with M12 and setting groundrules for future chats; and
  3. Morning cuddles with M10 who’d snuck into my bed during the night.

 

* Forgot something from Sunday. ¬†When AH dropped the boys back, M12 told Ms7 that Daddy was down the drive. ¬†She was focused on watching Lorde’s new videos so didn’t go. ¬†AH calls M12 and gives him grief for ‘not telling Ms7’ so he gets upset, and angry with Ms7 for putting him in that position. ¬†Way to go, AH!