Birthday Eve

Not mine .. but M10’s.  Tomorrow he’ll be renamed M11.  He’s so excited.  It’s been a very long month, that’s for sure!

The cake is ready to be put together.  I’ll take them for breakfast tomorrow and they can get to school late.  I’ll pick them up from school, along with M10’s token invitee, and back here for cake before heading into a tramp park in town and teppinyaki dinner.

Feeling very emotional right now and the tiniest thing seems to be setting me off.  Tonight’s new Spark (our telco) ad was the nail in the coffin [little boy without a father – reason not specified – sad about Father’s Day but ended up making ‘Happy Father’s Day Mum’ card.  Ironically I’d told them a few days ago that we’d have a Father’s Day breakfast for me coz I do the father things in my house … drill holes, fix shit, fart …].

It probably started when I got the email from my lawyer re the roundtable.  We’re looking at the w/c 11 Sept.  Any day is fine for me: the sooner the better!  She’s also ok for any day.

AH’s lawyer:  “Friday 15th is most convenient for me, but I could do Thursday 14 from 10.30” and AH, who is meant to be extremely flexible with work, can only do Thurs and Fri.  So his lawyer has gone for Fri!  The latest possible day she could!  Good god … can’t we just get this done!!!

Grateful for:

  1. hearing Ms7 directing M12 to sign while in the shower;
  2. all 3 kids wanting to sleep in the same room so they can celebrate M10’s birthday as soon as he wakes up; and
  3. the neighbour’s daughter’s ice cream looking great for the cake.
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Cause & effect, Part II

Cause:

Over dinner, Ms7 says M12 told AH about this morning’s episode, ie sent outside with Ms7.  He was allowed in after a 5 minute cool-down.  Ms7 still gave attitude so she had another 5.  M12 lost his tablet privileges this morning, but I said he’d still go to Minecraft club so long as there were no more issues.  He’s fine after school, so off to Minecraft club they go.  He seemed fine so it came as a surprise that he felt the need to tell AH about it.

Of course, he omitted to pass on that he fights with her every morning.  He glosses over his retaliation where he hits her in the head or pinches her.  It’s never a result of something he’s done.  No, siree!

Ms7 tells me she didn’t tell, but no doubt questions were asked of her (for documenting purposes).  She seems to have acknowledged her part in the consequence they got.

Effect:

Lots of tears.  I’m so hurt.  That he feels the need to tell AH what goes on in my house … but I suppose that comes from all these months of AH pandering to that.  Big blow-up between M12 and myself.  Must admit, I didn’t handle it the best: he’s sent from the dinner table and, in response to that ‘I never do anything for him’, I say I’m not taking him to the hip hop class he wanted to look at tonight.  I get all the standard attacks:

  • You’re not the boss of me;
  • I quit;
  • I want to live with Daddy;
  • I’m not doing anything from you anymore;
  • I love Daddy more than you; and
  • I hate you….

and I know I should let them wash over but fuck it stings!

If I try to do some mental pivoting here*, I’m scared.  I’m so scared that I will lose them.  Good God .. if I behave like that every time they hurt me, I’ll only expedite that.

But I hate that he allows them to spy for him.  He’s using them for his gain.  It sickens me.  Why can’t he just do what’s right?  [we know the answer to that, though!]

Post-War

Ms7 knows I’m upset and is so kind.  M12 has an early night – he calls for me but I’m still wired.  When I go in, he’s sleeping he wakes and apologises, as do I.  I hate that he can’t see the predicament he’s put in when he reports back: he’s being made to take sides, even if he doesn’t realise it.  And AH, as the supposed adult, should not allow it.  Not a jot!

I need a break so call my parents.  I’ll take the kids up on Fri – they can have a day off school – and bring them back Sun.  It’s a long way to go for a short time but the past weeks have depleted my emotional supplies.  A change of scenery is required + the supportive hugs of my parents.

It’s Fathers’ Day on Sun.  AH demands that he’ll “get the kids at 9am”, even though they’re rightly with me until 4pm.  I have no issue him having time with them – he’s their father [more’s the pity] but I won’t stand for his bully-boy tactics.  I said I wouldn’t communicate until things are calm, fair and non-offensive.  TELLING me, rather than checking to see if anything had been arranged, is anything but.

Ω Ω Ω

* Read about ‘pivoting’ the other week and liked the concept.  Let’s see if it helps …

pivot

Cause & effect

Cause:  

AH, in a vindictive, nasty and manipulative mood, tells kids they can live with him solely.

Effect:

Ms7, while having some time outside with M12 for fighting first thing this morning (and they’ve been warned, I’m not going to stand for his bullying and her shnarking  [shout-narking] anymore), tells me “I’m telling Daddy and I’m going to live with him now”.

clap

New tack

AH emails early this morning to check that all’s sorted for M10’s birthday on Thurs.  By that, he wants to ensure I’ll bring 2 kids back or whether he’ll need to swap cars with Skank.  He still says he’ll only get there at 5pm (“earlier if I can”), and I question that as he can leave work at 4pm normally, and it would only take him 10 mins to get to the venue as he’s already in town.

I get told I’m being ‘pernickety’, and remind him the split of costs isn’t agreed.  He says he’ll “pay for my children” … to irk me.  “MY” children.  I used it ages ago and got a “OUR children, they’re OUR children” back from him.

I’m unsure what he means: he’ll pay for the 3 entrances to the trampoline park and their dinners, leaving me to just pay for the invited mate?  Because of his track record, I need it all set out clearly so there’s no chance of him reneging.  I’m tired of the to-ing and fro-ing but not getting anywhere:

Please do not bother contacting me until you are willing to get this to a fair, calm, non-offensive conclusion.  These prolonged communications that don’t move things forward are giving me a migraine.

And it takes him all of 5 minutes to respond:

Why do you have to negotiate everything and squabble over dollars? So what you drove last time?  Why does everything have to be long winded and detailed???

And that’s where I end conversations for the day.  Don’t bother getting in touch with me AH, unless you can stop with the digs and snide comments.  Until you can give an answer and be fair.  That’s it.  Leave me the fuck alone!

8 hrs of blissful silence later and he emails that he’ll pay 60% of costs… RESULT! …

Oh, and can he have the kids this weekend instead of scheduled daddy-free weekend.

No, no you can’t.  For 3 reasons:  (a) don’t do what’s right only because you want something in return; (b) I’ve asked for 2 weeks’ notice for changes; and (c) I’m keen not to have a repeat of last weekend with poisonous manipulation and mind-fucking of OUR kids.

So that’s what I must do now.  Just silence.  If I absolutely MUST respond, he MUST first be pleasant in his communications.  If he’s purposely ambiguous, then bugger him.  I won’t ask what he means.  Just silence.

Hell, it’s worth a try … nothing else has worked!

Grateful for:

  1. winning at SkipBo;
  2. getting in time at work despite feeling bleurgh; and
  3. soccer season over so no training!

Calm descends

Nice quiet start to the day with M12, before the other 2 are dropped back about 5 mins late.  M12 goes down to say ‘hi’ and comes back upset.  It’d only been a couple of minutes while he got his dressing gown on, but AH was already up the hill in the distance.  He called an hour or so later to speak with M12 and check how his cold was; but got so defensive with M12 when he said he was upset that AH had driven away already (“well how long am I meant to wait for you?”, says the lovely patient man who they should live with 24/7).

Thrilled to get an invite done for the friend coming to his birthday on Thurs and to make a start on Ms7’s.  And to draft an email to LfC regarding AH’s conversation with the kids.

Kids let me know AH also asked them why I did a secret ballot re the birthdays.  Jeezus wept … if you have a question about why I did/said something … THEN ASK ME!  Our kids aren’t psychic … more’s the pity!  Surely this is putting the kids firmly in the middle, or am I misunderstanding something here?!

M10 is glad to be back home and it’s lovely to have hugs with him.  I apologise that I took my anger at AH out on him.

Good day with M12’s soccer pizza party, getting ingredients for M10’s birthday cake ice cream that neighbour’s daughter is going to do for me, M10 mowing his part of the lawn and chillin’ with the kids.  AH calls to say goodnight while I’m down getting my pie from the neighbour’s so no doubt I’ll be hearing about how neglectful I am … yet again.  Why he needs to call when he’s only seen them/spoken to them this morning …. ?!

Grateful for:

  1. my brother checking my email to LfC to remove emotion, etc.  Clever, articulate man, he is (little wonder I want him to mediate communications);
  2. the concern all 3 kids showed to me when my cough takes over; and
  3. a second day of sunshine and no need to light the fire.  Summer is coming 🙂 !

Grenade

At 8pm last night, AH texted to say he’d arranged another dad to take M10 to his game so M12 would stay with him.  That’s great.  You’ll forfeit seeing his last game of the season to avoid me having extra time with the other 2?!

At half-9, there’s another text asking me to put M10’s soccer boots in the letterbox.  I let him know they’re not here and that he can use M12’s shinpads, ie no need to come here in the morning.

So was surprised to be woken by M10 knocking on the door and window at 9am this morning.  I’m full of cold and am peeved that he’s brought the kids round, so I ignore it.  Little bugger goes and gets the spare key from the neighbour and lets himself in.  I’m wrong to take out my annoyance towards AH to M10 but I tell him his boots aren’t here.  He knows I’ve bought him soccer boots for his birthday so he says he’ll use them.  ‘No, you won’t’ I say and that he needs to leave.

AH then rings and starts yelling at me to let M10 in to find his boots.  I remain calm and ask him to stop speaking to me the way he’s doing: “I can shout at you.  You shouted at M10; M12 heard it from the car” (I dispute that as my throat wouldn’t have let me!).   I’m not having it … so hang up!

I get M12 at 4 pm for 1-on-1.  M10 doesn’t come out so he’s still fuming about this morning.  That doesn’t come as a surprise: I actually expected that M12 would say he didn’t want his 1-on-1 (and apparently AH asked him if he wanted it to still take place.  He chose yes).  Ms7 comes for cuddles and lets me know that starting Thurs, M10 is only living with Daddy.  Apparently (and both Ms7 and M12 are there to say how the conversation went down) AH said he was sick of hearing about issues they have with me so did they want to stay with him only.  M10, funnily enough while still angry with me, says ‘yes’.  Ms7 says ‘no’ as she’d miss me.  M12 is ‘in the middle’.

OMG!  These discussions are NOT to be had with the kids!  How could he not know that?!  They have their lawyer.  He is the one who asks these questions … not me and not AH!

M10 comes in the car – face like thunder.  I tell him I looked for his boots and they weren’t there, and I let AH know that.  He shouldn’t have been brought around.  What I don’t say (will leave it for another day), is that he needs to be responsible for getting his property back to AH’s as required.  I am constantly telling him to put bits in a bag by the front door.  He doesn’t.  I am not his slave and he is old enough to better self-manage.  Ms7 repeats that M10 is going to live with AH from now on, so I say I will miss him.  He storms back into AH’s.

I ask M12 why he thinks living at AH’s will be better.  He can’t answer.  I ask how often are they complaining about stuff that’s gone on at my house, as I didn’t think it a regular occurrence.  ‘Not often: today and the college form …’.

The entire past 2½ years, that ass has allowed himself to be drawn into issues from my house.  He’s allowed the kids to play him, to a degree.  Rather than say: “what goes on at Mama’s house doesn’t concern me”, he says “tell me more.  What did she say?  Ooh that’s terrible.  Would you like to stay here, away from that mean Mama witch” [ok, I might have ad libed].   Unless it’s a real health or safety issue, he should keep out of it – as I do if they bring things up from AH’s house.

I’m even more peeved that he creates situations, then sits back and makes me the baddie.  M12 should not have been told about the college form, but he put him completely in the middle and I copped his wrath.  He could’ve followed up the texts last night when I said the boots weren’t here.  But he ignored that, turned up unwelcome, and now I’m dealing with son’s wrath again.  He really does enjoy pulling the pin, then running for cover.  It’s disgusting!

Grateful for:

  1. sunshine!  Being able to mow some of my lawns;
  2. getting my CDs boxed and into the garage; and
  3. M12 being open about the conversation with AH, rather than doing his usual protecting him.

Peopling? Yeah, nah!

I really don’t want to be peopling right now.  I should be feeling like celebrating as the contract is signed (I had to meet her price as she knows what she must achieve to buy her retirement home.  Also, her kids have already put their names on all the furniture, so I’m feeling a little disappointed I didn’t get some leeway;  but I console myself that the independent agent said yesterday it’s a good price for the size and location).

Helped in Ms7’s class this morning then over the road to the doctor’s as AH made an appointment for M12 yesterday, that got postponed to today.  I need meds for M10 and Ms7, so figure I might I well attend the appointment:  AH ain’t happy.

But what does he expect?  At no stage, did he ask me how M12 had been over the past week.  He simply accused me of lying, neglect, and then demanded I “hold onto him” until he got back from work … He’s not a freakin’ wild animal!  

I sent a long email setting out M12’s health over the week, as he’d not been with AH since last Friday.  Yet he felt he had enough information to make an appointment with the doctor.

WHY?  … Not, I believe as he claims that “he has his best interests at heart”

But he wanted to make me look bad.  That’s his sole motivation.

No surprise to hear that it’s just a viral bug, ie it’s a bloody cough.  The temperature he’s running right now is due to his thermal pj bottoms, thick dressing gown and hood pulled up over his head.  Hyrdate, paracetamol if need be.  What a waste of the doctor’s time!!

So no ammunition against me.  He’ll be pissed off!

It was AH’s job to call the school to let them know that M12 was sick.  I received a message on my phone at 09:36 checking.  I called AH.  He doesn’t answer his phone.  I call AH’s mobile and ask him to put AH on [apparently, he was busy, so couldn’t answer his phone … that he did hear].  He tells me he’s called the school.  I ask when.  “It doesn’t matter”.  No, don’t suppose it does … but you neglected to do what you were meant to do and your refusal to be open, shows that you know you stuffed up!

Thrilled I went along as saw another mum at the doctors and at the chemist.  I didn’t realise but she’d taken her daughter out of our school as she didn’t think she was getting a good education.  She’s so glad so did.  Interestingly, her impetus was overhearing teachers from the college saying “you can spot the kids from [my kids’ school] as they’re not as prepared for college”.

IT’S NOT JUST ME!!  HURRAH!

Called AH tonight.  3x phones aren’t answered so figured they’re having dinner (not that it usually matters; but this is his revenge).  Speak to the kids then ask to speak to Daddy so I can find out what AH is going to do while M10 is playing soccer tomorrow.  [I mean, I’ve been give grief for taking a sick child out of the house before (even if they’ve stayed in the car while I’ve dropped the others at school)].  He starts the conversation as an ARSE! (“M12 isn’t playing tomorrow.  I’ve already told you that”).  I’m proud of myself as I kept calm and volunteered that M12 could come here as that’s preferable to sitting on M10’s sidelines when he’s not well.  AH doesn’t go full-blown … no doubt Skank is close-by … it makes a nice change.

I seriously can’t remember when he last managed a civil conversation.

Grateful for:

  1. getting my offer accepted on “my” house;
  2. time in Ms7’s class; and
  3. sunshine to get some washing dry.