Checking in

Goodness!  Almost a fortnight of not posting.  Been busy – been emotional – been away – been tired – been elsewhere (physically and psychologically) …

Every since the round-table, my emotional setting has been turned to ‘crazy, weepy nutter’.  I still haven’t been able to let go of the feeling that I’ve let the kids down.  I don’t believe I fought hard enough for them.  I didn’t bring up his manipulation.  I didn’t point out his foul emails.  I kept quiet about his constant reference to my mental health [good God – mild depression, asshole, where I should be commended for recognising I could benefit from help …. if only he would do the same].  I sat there and let him spit out his lies.

And, most importantly, I didn’t bring up the fact that he plans to move up the line in a couple of years, and would be closer to where I want to move.  But I didn’t even highlight the ridiculousness of that up…!!

The agreement that we signed is so flimsy., I mean, changeover time wasn’t even discussed.  The fact he’s stopped paying into the 60/40 account for kids expenses was ignored.  I just feel the emotions of the day overrode sensibility.

Was due to pick the kids up at 4pm on the afternoon of my last post.  I’d let him have them on my time so he could introduce them to his dick mate and family over from Oz.  Thought it would all go smoothly …

…. what a fool I was, to think that …

Got a message from M12 just before I was to get them: “do I have to go to [my parents]?”.  Yes.  Don’t be rude.  Spoke to him and said it was happening.  “I’m staying here”, I get in the next message.  Ummmm, it’ll be Daddy’s week.  What do you think will happen?  “I’ll go into after school programme”, he tells me.  He HATES the after-school programmes.

Apparently, he’s had such a good time with his new friends, he wants to go back to Grolsch’s house as they’re going to play a Daddy v kids game of soccer.  WTH?!  I can’t recall AH or Grolsch kicking a ball around with these kids since they emigrated here over 3 years ago!!   M12 clearly forgets this.

M11 gets in the car but he’s unhappy.  When Ms7 says the boys were saying to Daddy ‘I’m taking his time’, he gets out of he car in tears.  I then have both boys refusing to get the car and head back into AH’s.  At some stage, AH comes out, but rather than let the boys know that they need to come with me, he just stands watching from his balcony, with a smug look on his face.

I’m not willing to put up with it.  Fuck ’em.  So I say to Ms7, we’ll have a week of Mama-daughter time at my parents.  Boys can stay with Daddy [coz the reality is, he will NOT be able to work reduced hours for 2 consecutive weeks.  Let him struggle!].

I drive to my friend’s and lose it.  I start to call the police, knowing full well they won’t enforce it as it’s not court-ordered.  Meantime, my phone starts ringing.  It’s AH.  He wants to keep the boys for the night.

bs crazy

This!  This is the problem.  Instead of growing a pair, he actually said (I was told subsequently), “I’ll see what I can do about it [not coming away with me]”.

NNNOOOOOO!!!  Correct words to ensure our kids are not compromised or used as ammunition against me: “guys, this is what we agreed at the round-table.  It is your Mum’s time now, you need to go.  Have a great time with your grandparents and family and I’ll look forward to getting my week with you when you’re back”.  It’s pretty freaking simply, I’d have thought.

He hangs up on me after I say I’ve already got plans for the night and the boys need to be with me.  I get my call in to the police and they confirm I’d need a lawyer to get a warrant before they could act.  He texts while I’m on the phone to say they’re at my house.  He then calls and my friend speaks to him, asking him to bring them to hers.

It’s only a 10-minute drive, but takes them about ½-an-hour.  The boys come to the door.  M11 comes in, but M12 takes a look at me and can tell I’m upset.  So off he scoots back to AH … who, don’t ask me why, had stayed parked in the driveway … with M12’s bag in the car.  Why the hell didn’t he drop them off with a hug and reassuring words, then LEAVE!??

My friend goes after M12, asking him what’s wrong.  She ends up having words with AH, after he tried to tell her what to do … at her house!  She saw his eyes and heard his tone so has now seen firsthand what I’m talking about now.  Unfortunately, she calls it as it is … with frequent f-bombs!  She’s upset that she let it go in front of M12, but considering she was telling him to man up, a good example would’ve been that he got out of the car so M12 didn’t hear it.

M12 eventually comes into the house and AH leaves.  We actually end up having a nice evening but I’m still so hurt by the boys saying they didn’t want to come to my parents.  I know it’s a long drive.  I know we did it recently [because I needed a hug].  I know they came down recently [to give me support at the round-table].

But I know they won’t be around for long.  I know this place is sending me doo-lally!  I know that I have them for a week and want to make some memories.

Yet, thanks to him, the memories will be how I ‘forced ‘them to go away from their victim/dad.  How horrible I was for not letting them play ball.

I’m exhausted by it.  Completely and utterly exhausted.  I still don’t believe he’s a good dad but he loves them and they love him.  And WE are responsible for making sure they walk this fucking hard path through life to the best of their abilities.  That means, at times, having a united front.  That means putting our hatred towards each other to the side.  For the greater good of our kids.

But he can’t see it.  It’s about getting the kids to take his side.  His lying, manipulative, evil side.

No wonder the tears are coming so easily.

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